For someone who wanted her will to be broken, I have been quite recalcitrant of late.
I’ve been so mad at you – this past year, this past couple of years…really the last three years (I sigh heavily as I write that). Not constant, not screaming mad but an insidious anger that was easier to ignore than admit. I say it’s been three years because I started tracing back to when things changed. I realized it was when you locked a new collar on me in March 2011.
You may recall that after you locked this collar on me, we had sex. I started bleeding after you left. I panicked. I googled “between period bleeding” and learned that STDs can be a cause. I then spent the next 24 hours spinning myself up into a frenzy wondering if it was indeed an STD. While it turned out my period just showed up early, I seemed to conjure up a “shocking” alarm that pitted you – however impertinent – as the “bad guy” and justified (yet still disguised) my panic.
That was the beginning of me gaining weight…slowly at first and more quickly as time went on.
I’ve tugged and pulled on the strings that I’ve so tightly woven into the identity I’ve created. One aspect of my identity has been how much I am NOT like my family. On the flip side, I also now had to admit how much I am like my family, my mom in particular. When asked who it would be hardest on if I got what I desired, I answered: the women in my family. If I get what I want, then I will no longer be part of the “miserable women’s club.”
Unwinding that was like tugging on a ball of knotted yarn. Pulling on the string might actually make the knot tighter. So, I’d have to carefully loosen the knot to release it, only to find that pulling on the next one made another knot tighter. Luckily, it all seemed to start loosening more and more as I continued to engage in various types of change work.
In a recent session, I did some work around me and my family. The big breakthrough came when I realized that any positive, masculine energy that enters my family system is immediately regarded as bad, even evil. The women panic, “Danger, danger – you’re going to get hurt!” and all the alarms go off. You’ve clearly seen this for a while. Yet I’ve still been trapped in the funhouse where all I’ve been seeing and sensing and trying to avoid is the danger.
Through this work, I realize that following and surrendering to that positive, masculine energy IS the way out of the energetic hold of this crazy, family system. I started bawling when it all finally clicked, and I truly, finally got what you’ve been saying to me all along. And to say it clicked doesn’t even adequately describe the profound shift I felt inside. All of my will to search for and find THE definitive sign of safety before I leaped with faith across this chasm broke. For the first time in forever, I truly felt free to choose.
Last week was an interesting week as I processed what seemed like residual feelings from this deep work. I felt anger toward you welling up again, and I couldn’t figure out why. I thought about the anger I’ve felt for a long time now, and I finally asked myself, “If I weren’t angry, what would I be feeling?” And then a whole, other tidal wave of emotion flooded out. I journaled…
I love you, and I don’t know how to let you in.
The flood of emotion was a combination of relief and sadness. If only I’d been able to say that earlier. You are and always have been the light guiding me out of this tunnel. And at this stage I just have to finally admit I don’t know where this ends. I know I’ve always wanted it to end with me being your property, but it may mean you prepare me to be with another man. It’s hard to reconcile my desires of wanting a family and yet being in this arrangement with you where I am “alone.” That is what I have fought against for years and been angry with you for not making different choices (however severely myopic that view was).
I’m really trying not to beat myself up about arriving here after such a long, long time. It’s a little too easy to do but not at all fruitful. Instead, I have to turn my attention to what I’ve sensed for a long time now is my purpose in this lifetime, which is to fully embody my submissiveness. It is feeling that this is my purpose that has fueled my persistence along this long and winding road. Now, it feels like my imperative.
I yield my will to the one I’ve trapped inside my body so she can emerge and serve as she was meant to serve.
I wouldn’t blame you if you are completely and utterly frustrated and skeptical with me at this point, although I hope you find at least some of the joy that I am feeling about all of this right now. I shared this quote with you a while ago that rings true for me right now:
For Her: “Men are like trains. They are going somewhere. Choosing and staying with a man is like choosing to get on a train. You will end up going where your man goes, spiritually and sexually, or you will have to get off his train. You cannot change a man’s direction to yours without losing trust in his capacity to navigate.”?
~David Deida
I am on this journey with you for as long as – and to where – you are willing to take me.