surrendering to who I am…

what’s in a name

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Shortly after we first met 18 years ago, I’d adopted the name subrina. I made this name up on my own to join online forums, place personal ads, etc. I loved the play on the word “sub” and the fact that Master might be able to say “subrina” in public and no one would know the difference. While we used subrina in some of our communications, it was mostly just an alter ego for TTWD.

Five years ago, I discussed with Master a new name. I liked the idea of having a slave name. I looked up the word slave in various languages; esclave is slave in French, and esclava is slave in Spanish. Master and I also both enjoy the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode named The Perfect Mate. The name of the “perfect mate” in that episode is Kamala. In putting these elements together, Master came up with kesclava.

He told me He would decide when I could start using that name vs. subrina. Since the decision was in His hands, I’ve not asked about it. Recently, I’ve had a lot of personal shifts in my life, and I feel like I’m coming in to a new way of being/expressing myself in the world. I’d contemplated asking Master to switch to using kesclava, but I hesitated because He said He would be the one to decide when. Last week, I decided to ask anyway. He granted permission for me to use kesclava from now on.

I’ve updated online profiles, and I will now be blogging here using the name kesclava. The posts written as subrina will remain. As time continues to progress and I can look back and compare subrina entries with kesclava entries, I’ll be curious to see the differences…and the similarities.

For me, stepping fully into kesclava (kes for short) marks a transition from a young woman who followed a man like a puppy dog lapping up the knowledge and experience He could share with her to a mature woman who knows herself better than she ever has and trusts her intuition and instincts to go deeper. While the same Master who owned subrina now owns kes, I imagine the path takes a different turn from here.

I am a slave. My need to be owned run deeps and in many ways is still a mystery to me. Although there have been moments where I paused and assessed my doubts about this path, I’ve always resumed it because what sleeps inside me has been stirred and is past the point of hibernating again; yet it is not fully awake either.

subrina’s enthusiasm and eagerness to please brought her far, although it was often at the expense of honoring herself fully. kes knows it is only through knowing and honoring herself fully that she can truly offer herself to another.

subrina’s path started running narrow a while ago as kes’ started to take shape. At first it was hard to distinguish one path from another, but now kes’ path is clearly different from subrina’s.

I turn to subrina and smile. She came a long way – much further than she initially imagined. Her curiosity drove her, even though at times it took her down paths that made it seem like she was lost. May subrina’s curiosity now become more focused through kes as she explores her hunger and thirst and discovers what truly nourishes her soul.

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surrendering to who I am…

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