surrendering to who I am…

the urge to ask permission

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I have not had control of my orgasms since last October. It started during a time when we were both away on separate trips with a simple “No orgasms until I see you next” instruction from Master. I’d been on restriction before, and I enjoy it. Little did I know it would be the beginning of the end of me controlling any of my orgasms.

In general, when we think about someone controlling someone’s else life, we usually think of a person explicitly telling another what to do…and to submit to another is to follow their direction. My experience of having all of my orgasms controlled is different than that.

I have to ask Master for permission for every orgasm (masturbation or during sex) – that is the single directive He has given me. Yet, now I find myself seeking His permission in other areas of my life.

For instance, I had an opportunity to travel to see a friend for a weekend. Previously, taking a trip like this would be a matter of telling Master, “I’ll be out of town” or “I’m going to see my friend”…announcing my decision. Yet, I had this urge to ask Him permission to go. I sat with it for a while thinking if I should or not. He’s not requiring me to ask permission to travel; He hasn’t even expressed interest in controlling things like this. Nevertheless – in that moment – I felt like I couldn’t make this decision on my own.

I wrote to Him:

“I have to admit that before saying yes to this trip, I feel I need to consult with you – to ask permission. The urge to do so feels very natural, and the thought of asking permission to travel is not only comforting but arousing (in the sense of feeling your control). I do hesitate with this feeling, though – not because I’m struggling with asking for permission – but because I’m not sure if asking you for permission for things like this is pestering you in areas you don’t want to have input on.”

His response was essentially that we are entering new territory, and we need to sort out over time the things that require His input and the things that don’t. He encouraged me to ask when I feel the urge and that we’ll sort out the details. Master is not one to micromanage; and – as much as I crave His control – I’m not really a person that likes micromanagement! He will pick and choose the things that require His input and the things that don’t. In essence, He controls even when He decides the things He doesn’t care to control.

Still, it’s not about Him directing my actions or controlling my decisions. By controlling a very fundamental aspect of my being – my sexuality – I am naturally relinquishing and seeking His control in other aspects of my life.

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surrendering to who I am…

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