surrendering to who I am…

the best answer

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He gets a text and reacts out loud. “What is it?” I ask.

“Nothing you care about. You don’t care about basketball…do you?”

I pause for more than a second. I know what I want to say, but do I have the courage to say it out loud? In that long moment, I admonish myself for what I want to say as being too sappy and idealistic. But with his eyes staring at me – waiting for an answer – I know the only thing I can say is the truth.

“I care about what you care about,” I answer.

“That’s the best answer you could have given,” He says with a big smile. He pauses then adds, “How did you know to give that answer?”

Now I’m blushing. I blurt out, “training,” but even as I say that, I know that’s not the full answer. I’m a bit baffled that He’s so pleased with the answer only because of how I was admonishing myself for that answer being sappy and idealistic right before I answered Him.

I’m actually not sure why I said that my answer was the result of training. If anything He’s gone out of his way to not require any particular interests of me. He’s never wanted me to do things or be a certain way just to please Him. He knows that if He requires such things and they ring hollow inside me, then rebellion is inevitable. He wants my desires and interests to arise from inside of me. Shaping those desires and interests to please Him is then His job.

While after many years I know what pleases Him, my answer was not borne out of training. It is an answer that swells from deep inside me. So, I seem to have the opposite problem. These desires and interests do arise from inside of me, and I fight with them on the way out. I keep waiting for rejection and abandonment that never comes. And then I have these moments with Him where He essentially says, “What’s inside you IS what I want,” and I just don’t know what to do. You’d think I’d gleefully take the leap of faith into his arms and instead I feel paralyzed.

Paralyzed with what? Fear? Fear is part of it, but I’m not sure that is the complete answer. There are many stories I can tell that explain my fear (past, present and future), but I’ve reached a point now that I’m sure that is just smoke and mirrors….and it just leaves me with this feeling…a feeling I don’t even know how to describe yet. The only place I can start is by acknowledging I feel paralyzed.

~~~

In the morning after the first night we slept together, I was lying in bed with Him when He asked me, “What are your limits [with regards to sex]?”

I turned my head to stare out the window with the morning light shining in and answered, “I don’t know.”

“That’s the best answer you could have given,” He says.

I knew nothing about submissiveness, D/s, Masters, slaves, bondage, discipline or my taste for any of the things in that moment. I didn’t even know if this was more than one night together with Him. No ideas and no expectations to paralyze me.

Something in me knows the answer…even when starting from “I don’t know.”

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surrendering to who I am…

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