surrendering to who I am…

take me

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I remember a conversation with a girlfriend once where we were talking about sex. She said that she could only come with a vibrator, and she described a bit how she and her husband manage this during sex. She mentioned having that urge to pee feeling during sex and always held back not wanting to actually pee.

I turned to her and suggested she let that feeling come, to allow herself to feel that. I’d recently learned to squirt, so I knew that her allowing this feeling would lead to a great new discovery about herself. She was skeptical.

Many times during sex with Master, I find myself on the verge of tears. I am usually trying to hold them back, not fully understanding my need to cry and not sure I could explain to Him why I was. The few times I have let go and cry, He’s been supportive and encouraging. He’s even noticed at times my urge to cry and whispered to me “let go.” I might let it out a little, but always something in me holds me back.

I’ve been going through a lot of emotions lately, and – in times by myself – I’ve let the emotions out. Sometimes I cry loudly, howl even. Whatever pain I hold inside, I can no longer hold in. It’s scary to me because it feels out of control.

In some of the most painful moments when I feel so raw and don’t know what to do, something strange happens. I feel my pussy pulse and hips want to rock back and forth. I find myself aroused and wanting to cum – not to make myself cum but to be made to cum. I want my Master in that moment…to feel His presence and His voice commanding me to cum.

I’ve honestly not known what to do with this arousal. It has made no sense to me in the midst of the pain I’m feeling.

Today, after a few orgasms with Master, I found myself on the verge of tears again. For a moment, a small voice suggested holding it in, but the wave coming up through my body was collecting its own power until I let the tears flow.

I whispered to Master that I wanted to cum when He told me to. I didn’t want to ask permission. And command me He did. Wave after wave as He fucked me, pulled my hair, bit me, strangled me, held my nose and mouth so I couldn’t breathe. With each cum I grunted or squealed or let whatever sound come out of me that wanted to come out while tears – and even laughter – flowed in between.

He rolled on to His back and told me to suckle His cock – my pacifier as He calls it. I started slow. As His cock grew and His hips rocked back and forth, I formed my mouth into a cunt for Him to fuck and cum in (which He did twice :-)).

As we laid there in postcoital glow, I looked into His eyes. I asked Him to lay on top of me.

As He laid on top of me, He asked me why. I eeked out that I wanted to feel His protection. I started to cry again, and it came in waves as He lay there.

I wish I could remember the words exactly, but He said – in essence – this to me, “Show yourself to the world…your scars, your bruises, your beauty…”

With each breath, I allowed His weight to bring Him closer to me. Although even with my breath, I felt moments of trying to hold Him from being too close – not physically but emotionally and spiritually.

As the part of my brain that felt anxiety with this calmed down, I looked at Him and asked Him, “Take me.”

“Take you where?” He asked.

The words I managed to say – while poetic – didn’t convey the depth I wanted to share in that moment. The feeling comes from deep with my belly – a yearning. Take me to that rawness. Show me where you want to take me. Show me the way.

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surrendering to who I am…

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