A dream I shared with Master…

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I thought you’d enjoy hearing about the dream I had last night…

I’m quite not sure where we were, but you decided that you wanted to send me home with shackles on my feet. I protested that my family would see the shackles and that they would not be easily explainable. You said that was my challenge to deal with. You did say that I didn’t have to advertise the shackles (i.e. I could hide them under blankets, etc.) but I could not just hide in my room so that nobody would see them. I had to participate in family activities/discussions and just find clever ways to conceal the shackles.

So, I was home with the shackles. It was a multi-level house and my family lived on different floors. Not only was I concerned about hiding them but also how I would walk up the stairs with the shackles. I was able to participate in family activities and successfully hide the shackles. I was surprised more questions weren’t asked because even if they couldn’t see them, I thought for sure they would hear the noise they made. At the very least, I thought they would notice my different behavior. You’d told me before I went home that this was just the beginning. I would wear them around the house first, and then later you would have me wear them in public. Also, foot shackles were first. Hand and foot shackles would follow.

Interesting dream, huh? (My pussy tingles even as I write this…)

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…and Master responded…

Very interesting indeed!  I’m enjoying your acceptance and willingness for being controlled–whether it be physically or otherwise. Makes me smile….

The day after I wrote “breaking my will” to Master, He came over. We spent the afternoon together…having sex interlaced with a deep discussion of how I felt lost and stuck.

“You still can control; you just don’t want to,” He tells me. I knew deep down what He was saying was true, but it was nothing like how I was feeling at this point in time.

I had a few orgasms asking for permission to cum each time and then He told me to cum. My body responded and came – seemingly bypassing my brain again. I started to cry and lamented out loud, “What is happening to me?”

He let me cry, providing that energetic shield of love and support to allow me to fully experience the feelings.

When I calmed down, He asked, “Do you feel damaged?”

“No…I wonder if I’m being brainwashed,” I replied. As much as I desire this, the part that worries and protects me from “being tricked” has been surfacing.

He laid on top of me as He has done so many times over the years. Not once has His weight on top of me been an issue…until that day. He was fucking me, and the weight of His body started to feel like it was crushing me. I couldn’t breathe and started hyperventilating. I felt like He was sinking into me. I was letting Him in at every level – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually – and I panicked like I was suffocating. He got off me, and I’m crying loudly and trying to catch my breath. He caressed me, and I slowly calmed down. When I’ve finally caught my breath, and I’m breathing as normally as possible, He tells me how hard my crying made Him. Hearing that comforted me because I realized I wasn’t falling apart; I was falling right into Him.

“I feel like I’m dying,” I say.

“Do you feel like you’ll go away?” He asks.

“No, I feel like a part of me is dying.” I answer.

“Is that a good thing?”

“Yes.”

“What will happen when that part dies?”

“Well, I don’t know if this fits your definition, but I’ll be your slave.”

He started fucking me again, and I started hyperventilating again. I asked Him not to get off me completely, although He did rise up enough not to be resting on my chest. I was trying not to push the panic away…to just let it be there.

After resting in each other’s arms for a while, we got up off the bed. He did say that once I’ve calmed down and accepted this, I’d be His slave. It was hard to believe I might be close. As much as I’ve wanted to rush the process in the past, I was getting the importance and significance of being in this moment, and my need to rush it had receded.

As He left, He told me I was now on masturbation restriction – that I would have to ask permission each and every time I wanted to masturbate. He explained how this would require forethought on my part to get permission – say before bedtime.

I smiled and for the first time in the weeks since cumming on command, I felt an inner calm.

This is an e-mail I sent to Master sharing with him my internal struggles about cumming on command…

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I shared that I had a tough time last weekend, and you asked me why it was so tough. It’s hard for me to pinpoint. I know that during the weekend my attitude was, “Fuck it!” and I just proceeded to do what I thought I wanted. Of course, I didn’t feel good at the end.

It seems cliche to say I was grabbing for control (although eating disorders have a lot to do with that). I have felt lost since cumming on command. Actually, I’ve felt schizophrenic. On one hand, I am calm and fine; on the other, I am panicking. At any one moment, I can be feeling one or the other. I feel like I’ve been teetering on the line of two worlds…with the question, “Which one am I going to choose?

The part of me that panics is not worried about the idea of cumming on command, but the experience was totally different than what I expected. It was so…automatic. My brain was thinking, “I’m not ready yet,” and my body said differently. In some ways, it felt like I wasn’t even there…but it was me…and it just ends up being so confusing.

It’s easy to get caught up in the romantic notions of surrendering…”my will is His will.” Even in the vanilla world, mushy notions of being one with your partner is the stuff of wedding vows and Hallmark cards. Yet now – having had a taste of truly surrendering my will – I shake my head a bit that people (including me) don’t seem to understand the depth of what they are asking for when they say that. Don’t get me wrong, the idea is no less beautiful or no less desired – it is just one thing to think you want to be One with someone and another to experience it.

On other slave blogs or posts to groups on FetLife there is talk about ideas like, “Am I really a slave?” These conversations often center around the fact that in our society, a person cannot be legally owned by another. So really, if a slave decided, “This is it. I don’t want to play anymore” there is nothing legally binding a person to stay. What strikes me about these conversations is that it seems wonderful to create a world where your will becomes another’s but really…isn’t this just a world we create that is separate from reality?

I’ve been happily going down this path toward slavery, and I do so badly want my will to be broken. Yet, I realize now that I always thought that my choice would still be involved. I thought that breaking my will would involve me somehow aligning my choices with yours but – that as much as we could fantasize about me being owned by You – that as a human in a free society my brain would still have to make the conscious choice to do as You say or be as You want me to be. You could command me to do certain things, but – in the end – I would still have to make the choice to follow.

So when my body obeyed and my mind seemed to be bypassed, I was stunned. And then when I masturbated and couldn’t cum or just had weak orgasms, I really panicked. My brain is thinking one thing, and my body is doing another. It’s scary…and it’s nothing like how I thought breaking my will would look like.

Last Friday was the one year anniversary of Master collaring me.

I almost didn’t remember the date. I was browsing through some older blog entries this past week, and that’s when I realized the anniversary was approaching.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year.

I never did blog (or even journal privately) about being collared. I wanted (and intended) to, but it was difficult because I was embarrassed about the way I acted that night.

Two nights before Master collared me, I wrote break my will as a private message to Him. It was the culmination of slowly wearing the unlocked collar more and more until I was wearing it full time. I had so many fears about what people would think and doubts about whether I was ready. Writing and asking Him to break my will was very freeing. I’d fantasized about Him forcefully locking the collar. When He responded so positively to break my will, I imagined that not only would He lock the collar, but this fantasy of having Him forcefully take me would come true.

He called that Thursday night and asked if He could come over. It was about 8:30 pm, and His call caught me off guard. Butterflies filled my stomach as I waited for Him to arrive.

He calmly pulled my hair to the side and locked the collar. I told Him I wanted to fight Him…trying to figure out how to make this fantasy of Him forcefully claiming me to come true without it being too contrived. He heard my request and answered by telling me to lay down on the bed.

I’ve often laid naked in front of Master in this position, but I never felt as exposed and vulnerable as I did in that moment. He caressed my body as tears started to trickle down my face. He asked me what I was thinking, and I could not form the words. It’s still hard to put into words what I was feeling in that moment. The embarrassment of trying to provoke a more forceful scenario had set in, but I also couldn’t believe the moment I’d longed for was here.

He marked me as His own by giving me bruises on my breasts and my thighs. I honestly don’t remember if He gave me the bruises with His hand or some other object. I remember admiring them the next day as I do when He marks me. Bruises, however, fade; now I was wearing a mark that wouldn’t fade: His collar.

He didn’t fuck me, but He did have me suck his cock. I welcomed the opportunity to just serve and be (rather than thinking) in that moment.

As He was leaving, we were talking and then hugging. In response to some of what we were talking about, He told me I needed to remember I was the bottom in this relationship. My forehead crinkled with confusion because – of course – I am the bottom. Little did I realize or know in that moment that I still had a lot to learn or – to be precise – more to let go.

This first anniversary comes on the heels of me having my first experience of cumming on command. I’m still trying to reconcile that experience for myself. The steps to relinquishing control feel very out of control – at least in the initial moments.

“You’re off restriction for the time being.” My stomach sank as if I had just dropped several feet in a free form fall.

I thanked Him because it seemed like I should be grateful for this window of freedom. I wasn’t sure why I thanked Him instead of sharing my true feeling in the moment.

Shortly after we hung up, I sent Him a text asking, “What if I don’t want to be off restriction?”

I figured He’d want an explanation as to why I wanted to stay on restriction, and I wasn’t sure I could articulate why. In that moment, I just wanted to get rid of that free form, lost sort of feeling.

I experienced this free form, lost feeling right before He put me on restriction three weeks ago. We had both been very busy, and we were each preparing for separate, week-long trips. We didn’t have a chance to connect before we left, and I not only missed Him but also started to feel lost.

He remedied this shortly after He left when in a short e-mail exchange He told me, “No orgasms until I see you next. Play as much as you like (or not)…just don’t cum.” I felt instant calm and relief from my lost feelings. I was surprised at the effect this had on me, but I really enjoyed it.

When we saw each other upon our return, He fucked me silly. I came and came and came. I came when I didn’t think I had anything more in me. I was so cum drunk, I had trouble functioning until I’d recovered the next day.

I wrote to Master privately the next day: “When I woke up this morning, I was trying to figure out how to describe how I felt. My brain seemed to be in a different place. The best word I can think of is receptive. I laid in bed wondering, ‘What do You want me to do next?’ It wasn’t an anxious, sub-frenzy ‘what’s next’ but just being patient, docile and receptive to however You direct me next.”

That same weekend, He gave me an assignment to play with myself at least every two hours for at least 10 minutes (cumming was not required; playing and arousing myself was). I was away at a weekend retreat with girlfriends, so it was a challenging assignment. I had a lot of fun fulfilling the assignment (and a few, good orgasms!). In fact when it ended and I was back on restriction, I noticed that my pussy started pulsing and tingling on the two-hour schedule. My body had learned quickly!

After a pause for a couple of days, Master told me to resume the every two hour schedule in the middle of last week. He came to my apartment during that day and watched me masturbate at one of the two hour marks and then fucked me at the next two hour mark.

As He fucked me, I asked permission as usual. He kept me focused by granting permission, not granting permission and allowing me a window where I didn’t have to ask permission. I did get mixed-up at one point where I thought I was still within the window of not having to ask permission and almost came when He reminded me, “Don’t cum.”

Then, at one point, He just said, “Cum.” I heard the command and my thought was, “I’m not there yet.” He was inside me, but I wasn’t on the edge. I didn’t think it was going to happen when my pussy erupted and squirted. I felt it come up from deep inside me, and I was stunned.

I just looked at Him and said, “Is it happening…is my body really becoming Yours?” He commanded me a second time, and I came again.

I know it happened; we both felt it, but there is a part of me that is still incredulous.

After He left, I had a couple of more two hour sessions ahead of me. At the end of the day, I was back on restriction…that was until He called last Saturday.

One might think in my state of incredulity that I’d welcome being off restriction and to feel control of my body again. Instead, I didn’t want control back. I wanted to stay on restriction. I am feeling very vulnerable, which was underscored by the sinking feeling in my stomach. On restriction, I felt safe in this vulnerable state; even the thought of being off restriction brought panic.

Master responded to my text message saying, “You’re off restriction. If you choose not to take advantage of it, that’s your decision.” The only thing I could think of is that self-restriction is like trying to spank myself with a hairbrush – it doesn’t satisfy the need. I shared this with Him and asked to be put back on restriction.

He replied with what I thought was an out-of-proportion and punitive response, which is that I’m not allowed to play at all…and no stimulation (physical, mental or visual). He said He might take me off total restriction sometime before Christmas.

Now my will has kicked in. I am complying, but I don’t want to give Him the satisfaction that this total restriction is affecting me. He saw me today and asked me how I was doing. I responded with a smug, “I’m doing fine.” He was going to fuck me, but since I was “doing fine” He didn’t. Now I regretted my flippant answer. As I write this I both regret my answer and still feel willful.

I think any Master or slave can predict how this one is going to turn out…

I laid my head on His chest with my arm draped across his waist. We finished the bits and pieces of our conversation, and then we fell silent. I noticed our breathing: His faster than mine. I allowed myself to let go…to just feel being with Him.

When I came out of the meditative state I was in, I noticed how our breathing was now in sync. Without conscious effort, we were breathing as if we were one.

———

I like to take classes on spirituality. They can get quite surreal as we talk about the nature of God, the Universe and how we are individuals and part of Oneness.

In one of the classes I took last week, the teacher suggested that there is no God’s Will. You could have heard a pin drop in that room after he said that. Even for a group of people who like to question and understand for themselves rather than take the word of someone else, we were shocked.

“Thy Will Be Done.” It’s a mainstay of the Lord’s Prayer. But it’s not just Christianity; I can’t think of a major religion that doesn’t have the concept of God’s Will in some form or fashion.

I admit in my quest to be the best person I can be, I’ve often thought, “If I could just give way to God’s Will,” then I would be a better person. In other words, if I could just get out of the way, then God would shine through.

I realize my thinking has been the same with Master. If I could just get my willful self out of the way, then I could surrender to His will and all would be well. Of course, my own will does arise, and I struggle with idea of surrender.

I want to surrender right up to the point where I fear I may disappear. I then buck and wonder what I’m doing. I assert my will until my innate desire to be His draws me back in. The circle continues, and – while I do learn and grow – I have believed both my will and His will can’t exist at the same time. I get dizzy trying to decide which one to follow.

What if it wasn’t either/or…what if both are meant to exist…what if surrender wasn’t about giving something up…what if surrender was about harmonizing?

Like our breath syncing without effort while lying together, my will and His will can harmonize and act as One.

Master called me in between meetings this morning. He said he was thinking about me…about punishment, restriction, me flooding the bed and all the ways He could fuck me. It put a silly grin on my face that I’ve had all day long.

I reach behind my neck and rub the clasp of His collar. I am owned…and really nothing could make me happier.

It was the second time this week that I felt His ownership of me tingle through me and fill me up. We had this text message exchange on Monday where I shared that I still had bruises from sex on Friday.

So then, why do I still struggle with the thought of being an object?

Sometimes I think I’m in a dream, exploring territory few dare to go. I’ll be riding along and a part of me jolts and wonders when this dream bubble is going to pop. I find myself wanting to be prepared. I want to make sure I don’t crash into the ground when it does burst.

It’s not like the essence of this struggle is endemic only to M/s. Women have found themselves in this situation a lot (especially my mother’s generation) where making a man their world sets them up for a fall. My own mother left college to marry my father only to find herself nine years later having to get a job that would support herself and two kids and finding limited, low paying choices. I saw her fall, and I’ve seen others fall.

I know I’m not in this type of situation. I have my degree; I run a successful business; I no longer see my submissiveness and my independence as mutually exclusive. Still, I sometimes panic.

From Day One, He’s told me I don’t have to compromise. Both my submissiveness and my independence make up the essence of who I am. He values all of me, and He wouldn’t find me attractive if I didn’t have both.

As I go down this path toward being His slave, I’m discovering more about myself that surprises me. Deeper needs to be used, to be humiliated, to experience extreme pain are surfacing. As I let these desires see the light of day, they sometimes feel overwhelming, and I wonder if the scale is tipping too far toward being just an object.

I’ll fantasize that His power will drown out this voice inside me that panics. I imagine that He has the power to remove the struggle within me instead of realizing I have the power to surrender.

I trust Him more than I ever have right now, and the trust inside myself is growing more and more.

Is it safe to blog when cum drunk?

He undressed in front of me. I sat on the couch fully clothed. I wonder in moments like this if I should eagerly jump off and strip, too…or wait for His direction.

I waited for His direction. He stroked his cock in front of me.

“You’re making my pussy wet,” I state.

“It doesn’t take much to make your pussy wet,” He replies.

True.

He stands in front of me, and I start sucking. I love the feel of His cock on the back of my throat. I relax my jaw as He pumps and fucks my mouth.

He tells me to strip and points me toward the bedroom.

As soon as He enters me, my body tingles. It’s hard to describe the feeling of completeness I have when He’s inside me.

I ask to cum pretty quickly. He says no and, ” what about foreplay?” Yes, I want to linger and not cum so quickly but I also feel the orgasm welling up inside me; I don’t want to mistakenly cum without permission.

He teases and sucks and slaps my nipples and breasts. He bites soft and harder. I’m lingering on that edge, and with each breath to help hold myself back the intensity builds.

“Do you want to cum?”

“yes”

“You may cum.”

The first one starts, and the wonderful, luscious roller coaster begins.

He suck my nipples…”May I cum?” Yes…

He fucks my pussy fast and hard…”May I cum?” Yes…

He rests His cock in my pussy while biting me….”May I cum?” Yes…

At one point instead of asking, I declared, “I’m going to cum.” He didn’t acknowledge me with a yes, so I rephrased, “May I cum?” Yes…

He moves around the bed and puts His balls in my face. I lick and suck while He fingers my clit, then fingers my pussy. I asked to cum, and did so both times including squirting over His hand.

He rolled over, and I licked his nipples. He pulled my hair tightly as He was about to cum himself. “Swallow my cum,” He says and I move my mouth onto His cock just as He cums in mouth.

My body just buzzed afterwards…and I am still glowing hours later.

“You asked every time,” He said afterwards with a pleased tone of satisfaction.

As He walked out the door, I thanked Him for all the orgasms. He suggested that might have to last me as my freedom to masturbate freely (which I’ve had for several weeks now) may be coming to an end.

I caress my body and slowly tease my nipples as I smile both in deep satisfaction and in joyful anticipation of His next command.

I’m still smiling from sex this past weekend with Master.

Sometimes it’s the small things that make me smile…like losing myself in the sumptuous task of sucking His cock and licking His balls. There are times I get frustrated that my jaw and my body position prevent me from having more stamina on any particular day, but otherwise time suspends when I’m worshiping His cock. I feel like I could do it all day.

When he slid His cock inside me, he told me I couldn’t cum until he told me to. My pussy was already wet from licking His cock and balls, and I enjoyed His cock gliding in and out of my well-lubricated pussy. When He added licking and sucking on my nipples to the mix, I felt the orgasm starting to well inside me.

At one point, I let out a big sigh…a reaction a bit out of place in the moment. He asked me what that was. I said, “I’m thinking about baseball,” indicating my attempt to hold my orgasm at bay. He continued licking my nipple as He conveyed that He wasn’t sure that would help me because I’d just start thinking about all those balls and those bats and about being fucked with one. I laughed out loud because – yes – clearly that wasn’t going to work now (or ever again!).

My squirting orgasms feel so amazing. They’re different than a clit orgasm, which tends to feel tingly and electric. Squirting comes from a deeper place inside me. Once I have one, they start coming in waves. I feel them through my entire body. They were particularly deep and intense this time. I enjoy how much my body seems to be opening to allow these incredible sensations. Squirting really is about being open and letting go.

I discovered my ability to squirt about this time last year. It’s wonderful to reflect on the joy of the initial experience and how my exploration has evolved my understanding of my body. It’s a connection and appreciation for my body that has eluded me most of my life.

As I look back and see how far I’ve come in a year, I wonder where I’ll be a year from now as I continue to open up and let go.

How do I spell relief? C-U-M

In the past 20 days, Master has let me cum twice (no masturbation or playing with my nipples). Actually, I could have cum a few more times last Monday when He let me play with my nipples only, but I was satisfied in that moment with one, big orgasm.

The level of sexual tension created by not touching myself at all is quite high. I’ve dealt with the restriction by bringing myself to the brink of orgasm several times without touching myself at all (just by viewing videos and reading stories that spark my imagination). It really does underscore the power of our minds in our sexual expression!

I also tried to get creative on ways to stimulate myself. At one point, I was craving feeling my nipples erect and tight. Since I couldn’t touch them, I threw my bed covers off of me and hoped that the chilly room would make them stand up. It didn’t work very well (maybe winter would be a better time to try this trick!), but never underestimate the ingenuity of a sub!

I probably made the tension worse by bringing myself to the brink of orgasm again and again. I didn’t think much, though, about how it might be contributing to stress I’m feeling in others areas of my life (work in particular).

When Master entered my apartment today and asked me how I was doing, the nicest way I could put it was that I was not in a good mood at all. When He asked if I would like to cum, I hugged Him and begged, “Yes, yes! Please make me cum!”

He let me have a treat today and suspended the requirement to ask permission to cum each time. He said I could cum as many times as I wanted when I wanted to. Oh, his cock felt so good inside me! …and his mouth on my nipples. Mmmmmm. My pussy is on fire just thinking about it again! I tried to keep count of my orgasms, but I lost track after five.

I came hardest when He was teasing and touching my nipples. At one point He just hovered over one nipple and let His breath tease it. I came very easily by just feeling his breath on my nip and his hard cock resting inside me!

He’s now said I can play with myself unrestricted this week. I’ve already cum twice since He left, and plan on a nice session tonight before bed.

Interestingly enough, the stress from work and my attitude about it has adjusted significantly this afternoon. Go figure!

Having the restrictions lifted this week will be nice, and I will enjoy it. I have been thinking, though, about my attitude toward restriction.

In my last post, I wondered how long my restriction would last. As I wrote that question, I felt a tinge inside me…like it wasn’t quite right. I also started thinking about Master telling me not to beg to cum last Monday, and I started to question my attitude toward this restriction.

I asked Master for clarification on begging. I asked if He was telling me not to beg in that moment or if He didn’t want me begging in general. He told me it was a command in the moment. Still, it made me think about my begging…

Begging can be very erotic. “Please Master, may i cum? Please may i?” can make the body-tingling tension build for both us. In those moments, I’m not asking for control.

When I wonder when my restriction will end, however,  I am – in essence – begging for the moment I can have control back.

So, one night last week as I was thinking about all of this, I asked myself, “What if every orgasm I have for the rest of my life was by Master’s choice?” I felt my whole being shift with that question. No longer did I worry if or when I would get control back. In fact, I realized that is exactly what I want and feeds my aspirations to be His slave. That night, I slept the deepest I have slept in a long time.

Even when He gives me permission to have as many orgasms as I want and to play with myself unrestricted, He is in control.

Relinquishing my desire for control in exchange for serving Him makes every orgasm sweeter and deeper. It is one more step to surrendering the keys to my soul.