He knocked on the bedroom door and startled me awake. I fumbled to figure out what time it was while He started to undress. 7:30 am. He said He’d come over on Sunday but didn’t say what time…and 7:30 am would not have been my first guess.

He entered me without any foreplay. “You’re wet,” He said. Maybe it was from going to bed horny; maybe it was just the act of watching Him undress; maybe it’s just when I see Him, my body responds.

My first orgasm was quite the gusher. It ran down His leg and went outside the cum blanket I like to lay down to ease the washing requirements that come with being a squirter. I care about those things when I’m doing the laundry afterwards, but I really don’t care about them with Him inside me.

It’s not unusual for me now to have several (upon several) orgasms. Master counts them. I cannot keep track after the first one or two…I have lost all executive function after that.

I am required to ask to cum. I have messed up before and cum in the heat of the moment without asking. Nevertheless, I have a pretty good track record in the asking department. “May i cum?” gets repeated over and over again. Hearing His deep voice whisper, “Yes,” in my ear sends me right over the edge.

There comes a point, though, where it is not just multiple orgasms but truly one immediately after another. When this happens, it is like being on a roller coaster and just as I come over the edge of one, my body picks up momentum for the next one, and the next one and the next one. The sensation is very surreal. It has happened before, but this time was different.

I felt the roller coaster start. My body was letting go. I wanted to let go of any thoughts, and let His rhythm dictate my pleasure. I felt not only the tingling in my body but the butterflies in my stomach. I both cursed and welcomed asking permission to cum. Having to ask intruded on the flow. Yet it did help keep me from wandering into this unknown frontier. I lingered on that blurry edge between His control and my control, conflicted about letting go.

Now my clit is pulsing as I write this, and I crave getting back to that edge. That blurry edge can be frightening, and yet all I can think about is how to get back to that edge…and to surrender.

I have not had control of my orgasms since last October. It started during a time when we were both away on separate trips with a simple “No orgasms until I see you next” instruction from Master. I’d been on restriction before, and I enjoy it. Little did I know it would be the beginning of the end of me controlling any of my orgasms.

In general, when we think about someone controlling someone’s else life, we usually think of a person explicitly telling another what to do…and to submit to another is to follow their direction. My experience of having all of my orgasms controlled is different than that.

I have to ask Master for permission for every orgasm (masturbation or during sex) – that is the single directive He has given me. Yet, now I find myself seeking His permission in other areas of my life.

For instance, I had an opportunity to travel to see a friend for a weekend. Previously, taking a trip like this would be a matter of telling Master, “I’ll be out of town” or “I’m going to see my friend”…announcing my decision. Yet, I had this urge to ask Him permission to go. I sat with it for a while thinking if I should or not. He’s not requiring me to ask permission to travel; He hasn’t even expressed interest in controlling things like this. Nevertheless – in that moment – I felt like I couldn’t make this decision on my own.

I wrote to Him:

“I have to admit that before saying yes to this trip, I feel I need to consult with you – to ask permission. The urge to do so feels very natural, and the thought of asking permission to travel is not only comforting but arousing (in the sense of feeling your control). I do hesitate with this feeling, though – not because I’m struggling with asking for permission - but because I’m not sure if asking you for permission for things like this is pestering you in areas you don’t want to have input on.”

His response was essentially that we are entering new territory, and we need to sort out over time the things that require His input and the things that don’t. He encouraged me to ask when I feel the urge and that we’ll sort out the details. Master is not one to micromanage; and – as much as I crave His control – I’m not really a person that likes micromanagement! He will pick and choose the things that require His input and the things that don’t. In essence, He controls even when He decides the things He doesn’t care to control.

Still, it’s not about Him directing my actions or controlling my decisions. By controlling a very fundamental aspect of my being – my sexuality – I am naturally relinquishing and seeking His control in other aspects of my life.

Last week, I mentioned how re-watching a video about humiliation made me cum without touching myself.

I have cum without touching myself before. I remember the first time it happened…

I was in my early 20′s. I was at work on a weekend (or after hours, I’m not sure which). That was back when the Web wasn’t even a sparkle in Tim Berners-Lee’s eyes. Home internet access wasn’t the norm, so I was reading Usenet newsgroups after finishing my work.

I started reading an erotic stories newsgroup. The stories were getting me all hot and bothered. I was by myself, but I didn’t think I should touch myself right there in the office. I could feel the excitement building. I squeezed my legs together tight, and then the tingles washed over me. I couldn’t believe it. I’d just had an orgasm!

I also know that I’ve had orgasms before in my sleep - just from dreams and not from touching myself while asleep. So, while I’ve known having orgasms without touching myself was possible, I haven’t given much thought or credence to my ability to do so…that was until I had them again watching this Public Disgrace video Master shared.

When I came twice without touching myself watching this video for the first time, it made me start to wonder about my ability to do this on a regular basis. There are times since with Master where I could feel the orgasm starting to well up inside me without direct stimulation of my pussy. I would ask Him for permission to cum but then feel the urge subside. I didn’t want to cum without permission, but then performance anxiety would take over once I announced it.

Then last week two things happened: I came without touching myself while re-watching the video and then (separately) Master came over and we teased and played with each other without cumming. (He, of course, was directing the action, but we had a fun time just arousing each other.)

When He left after our teasing each other, He said I could masturbate to one good orgasm and then He put me on nipple and masturbation restriction until further notice. The teasing was going to continue remotely.

I had my one orgasm then went five days without nipple play or masturbating. On the sixth day I was really horny, and I started thinking there might be a loophole in my restriction. He didn’t want me to play with my nipples or masturbate, but what if I came without playing with myself?

While I had discovered this loophole, I knew I needed to ask before proceeding. I sent Master an e-mail asking permission to cum without touching myself, but he’d already gone to bed so I knew permission wouldn’t happen that night.

Still, I wondered how far I could arouse myself. So, I looked at some videos and read some online stories. I got myself very worked up. I started to feel the orgasm welling up inside me, and I knew I needed to stop and not cum without permission. I wasn’t quite sure how to stop myself at that point; I was a hair’s breath from going over the edge.

I know guys sometimes think about sports when they want to distract themselves. So, I thought “baseball.” I’m not really into baseball, so all I could think about was the word baseball. I repeated it a couple of times and felt my body retreat from the impending orgasm. It was the weirdest sensation. I felt the tingles start to come over my body (in particular my legs) but they stopped short of enveloping me and sending me over the edge. I had to lie perfectly still for a couple of minutes. I know if I had made even the slightest move, I would have had an orgasm. My pussy felt like it was on fire. I couldn’t believe I’d brought myself that close to the edge without touching myself.

The next morning Master responded to my request. He said if I was that horny then I should cum without touching myself and report back on my experience.

I was glad I didn’t cum the night before (actually more proud that I stopped myself so close to the edge), and I looked forward to doing it again that night.

It took me about an hour to work myself up. I watched various videos and read stories. All were arousing, but what sent me over the edge was watching a video where a woman had clothespins on her pussy lips and she was being playfully tortured by two other women. I came pretty quickly after starting that video. It was quite late at this point, so I wrote a quick thank you to Master for my orgasm with a report to follow.

I’m struck that my recent ability to orgasm without direct stimulation seems easiest when I’m watching videos about humiliation. It adds to my own intrigue about what I don’t know about myself (and my body) yet and what is truly possible.