I got Master a ball gag for Christmas. He’d pointed me to a web site when giving me His wish list, and said, “Anything from here.”

It was quite the experience shopping for toys for Him…knowing full well that I am the recipient of any selected toy. Picking your own torture device is quite the head trip! I told Him I didn’t think I was brave enough to purchases the most extreme toys, yet I found myself fascinated by them and wondering what they would indeed feel like.

I’d “wrapped” the gag with an undershirt I’d also purchased for Him. (He opened the undershirt gift first, then I asked Him to take the undershirt out of the box where He found the ball gag.) Interestingly, I was infinitely more comfortable shopping in the adult toy store asking, “Where are the ball gags?” than I was asking, “Where is the men’s underwear?” in the high-end department store.

He said He got hard just looking at it! He was a bit surprised this is what I got. I’ve always expressed an aversion to breath play, and early on in our relationship I shared how uncomfortable looking ball gags looked. I worried that I would panic and not be able to breathe.

That aversion has definitely been subsiding, though. I love burying my face into Master’s chest while He’s fucking me and feeling that moment of suffocation. I’ve grown more fascinated with ball gags while watching kink.com videos. I’d started fantasizing and longing for knowing what being fucked while wearing one felt like.

I went to the bathroom before He fucked me that day. As I wiped, I realized I was already sopping wet. He was hard, and I was wet…obviously we were both turned on by the thought of me being gagged!

I wondered how I would ask to cum while being gagged. Turns out, mumbling in the context of being gagged is quite understandable.

He warmed me up with some nipple play. He slapped my breasts hard, and I almost came just from that! I begged Him to let me cum, and He withheld permission momentarily. I wonder if I would have been punished for cumming just from having my breasts slapped. It took all of my energy to wait for permission.

With the gag on, I was surprised how quickly my level of surrender deepened. I felt myself open up to Him in a way and to a level I have not felt yet. I had the wherewithal to ask permission to cum as required but wave after wave of orgasm came over me. Instead of fearing being out of control, I relished the shift – where His movements and His commands controlled my body.

Interestingly enough, I have now been working out with a personal trainer for six months now. In the past couple of weeks, I noticed that I passed a milestone I didn’t even I know I’d hit, and that is I feel so much more in control of my body. I notice it when I walk, when I go to sit down and even when Master is fucking me. My strength to hold positions has greatly improved.

What’s even more interesting and curious to me is that just as I feel more in control of my body, I have a deeper experience of surrendering to Him.

He knocked on the bedroom door and startled me awake. I fumbled to figure out what time it was while He started to undress. 7:30 am. He said He’d come over on Sunday but didn’t say what time…and 7:30 am would not have been my first guess.

He entered me without any foreplay. “You’re wet,” He said. Maybe it was from going to bed horny; maybe it was just the act of watching Him undress; maybe it’s just when I see Him, my body responds.

My first orgasm was quite the gusher. It ran down His leg and went outside the cum blanket I like to lay down to ease the washing requirements that come with being a squirter. I care about those things when I’m doing the laundry afterwards, but I really don’t care about them with Him inside me.

It’s not unusual for me now to have several (upon several) orgasms. Master counts them. I cannot keep track after the first one or two…I have lost all executive function after that.

I am required to ask to cum. I have messed up before and cum in the heat of the moment without asking. Nevertheless, I have a pretty good track record in the asking department. “May i cum?” gets repeated over and over again. Hearing His deep voice whisper, “Yes,” in my ear sends me right over the edge.

There comes a point, though, where it is not just multiple orgasms but truly one immediately after another. When this happens, it is like being on a roller coaster and just as I come over the edge of one, my body picks up momentum for the next one, and the next one and the next one. The sensation is very surreal. It has happened before, but this time was different.

I felt the roller coaster start. My body was letting go. I wanted to let go of any thoughts, and let His rhythm dictate my pleasure. I felt not only the tingling in my body but the butterflies in my stomach. I both cursed and welcomed asking permission to cum. Having to ask intruded on the flow. Yet it did help keep me from wandering into this unknown frontier. I lingered on that blurry edge between His control and my control, conflicted about letting go.

Now my clit is pulsing as I write this, and I crave getting back to that edge. That blurry edge can be frightening, and yet all I can think about is how to get back to that edge…and to surrender.

As I said in my last blog entry, I have not been in charge of my own orgasms since last October…and I couldn’t be happier!

Shortly after Master put me on restriction in October, I came on command for Him. That took some emotional adjustment. I didn’t expect my response to be so automatic (I felt like my brain had been bypassed!). What was most interesting to me was that instead of grabbing for control, I didn’t want control at all. Master took me off restriction, but I begged to be put back on….and that is how it has been since.

Before this kind of restriction, I masturbated pretty frequently. Master would sometimes ask me how often I masturbated, and I couldn’t cite a number. “Whenever I feel like it,” was my answer. I hazard to guess it was at least 3-4 times/week (sometimes more/sometimes less). While I would have more elaborate play sessions, my regular masturbation usually took the form of using the vibrator right before bed and falling asleep.

I used to play a lot with my nipples, too. I’ve had my nipple rings for 14 years now. When naked, I used to love to take the rings and twirl and twist them. Master would often catch me touching them when I didn’t even realize I was; it was just so natural to touch and play with them. Now, nipple play is on restriction, too. I honestly can’t remember if that happened at the same time as being put on masturbation restriction or if that was in place earlier than that. I smile because not playing with them just seems so natural now that it feels like it has been this way forever.

I have to ask permission to masturbate, so it requires some forethought to be sure I ask Master with time enough for Him to respond. Interestingly enough, I don’t ask to masturbate often. Certainly, I ask a lot less than one would think given how I masturbated before this.

I find not playing with myself and only doing so when I have permission feels like the most natural thing in the world. It doesn’t take willpower to restrain myself; I just follow direction.

My orgasms are fewer and farther between, but my libido is strong – and probably even stronger than before. I’ve gone through streaks of not masturbating or not having sex before. During those times, it can come to a point where you just feel dormant, and your desire is hidden away. This is not the case at all here. I feel sexy, and I feel a lot of energy. Sometimes people even comment that I’m glowing. I just smile because there are many things going well in my life right now, but if I had to name of the source of this glow, it would be being under His control.

All of this makes the times I do masturbate and play with my nipples – and have sex with Master – that much sweeter. When I touch my clit now, it is usually sensitive and already hard just as soon as I hear I have permission. Being on restriction makes it so I’m simmering, and all it takes is a command to bring me to a boil.

Since I am now on indefinite masturbation restriction (i.e. I have to ask permission every time I want to masturbate), I found myself very horny on a Saturday. I texted Master asking for permission to masturbate. He called me back a little while later. He asked me how I was thinking of handling the pent up sexual energy before He called. I said I was considering taking a walk…something physical to discharge the energy.

He then asked me what task I’d intended to do that day and was now avoiding with thoughts of masturbation. I answered cleaning out old clothes from my closet. He gave me the assignment to clean my closet first – to standards that He would find acceptable – and then I could masturbate. Here is the report I sent to Him the next day…

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Well, the closet cleaning task took much longer than I’d intended since my instructions included that it had to be up to a standard you’d find acceptable. But I am happy to report that the closet has been cleared of old clothes, extra and mismatched hangers removed, dusted (ew! It was pretty bad…) and clothes boxed and gathered up to donate to charity, which I’ll do today.

I have to admit making this task a requirement before masturbating and setting the standard high was very effective. Otherwise, there would probably just be a pile of clothes on the floor that still would need to be packed up for Goodwill.

After all of this cleaning was done, I was no longer horny! I guess physical activity is a good way to discharge pent up sexual energy (although I hate admitting that to you….every time I ask to masturbate, you may say, “Take a walk!”).

I did, however, masturbate anyway….didn’t want to lose a chance to. I had a very nice orgasm with my g-spot toy in my pussy, my vibrator on my clit and playing with my nipples. I did this right before going to bed, so one orgasm was enough to put me off to Never-neverland. If you’d let me masturbate without doing the cleaning yesterday, I’m sure there would have been more orgasms to be had. The one was very satisfying, though, so I’m not complaining….and I have a very clean closet, which I’m happy about.

Thank you for my orgasm!

“You’re off restriction for the time being.” My stomach sank as if I had just dropped several feet in a free form fall.

I thanked Him because it seemed like I should be grateful for this window of freedom. I wasn’t sure why I thanked Him instead of sharing my true feeling in the moment.

Shortly after we hung up, I sent Him a text asking, “What if I don’t want to be off restriction?”

I figured He’d want an explanation as to why I wanted to stay on restriction, and I wasn’t sure I could articulate why. In that moment, I just wanted to get rid of that free form, lost sort of feeling.

I experienced this free form, lost feeling right before He put me on restriction three weeks ago. We had both been very busy, and we were each preparing for separate, week-long trips. We didn’t have a chance to connect before we left, and I not only missed Him but also started to feel lost.

He remedied this shortly after He left when in a short e-mail exchange He told me, “No orgasms until I see you next. Play as much as you like (or not)…just don’t cum.” I felt instant calm and relief from my lost feelings. I was surprised at the effect this had on me, but I really enjoyed it.

When we saw each other upon our return, He fucked me silly. I came and came and came. I came when I didn’t think I had anything more in me. I was so cum drunk, I had trouble functioning until I’d recovered the next day.

I wrote to Master privately the next day: “When I woke up this morning, I was trying to figure out how to describe how I felt. My brain seemed to be in a different place. The best word I can think of is receptive. I laid in bed wondering, ‘What do You want me to do next?’ It wasn’t an anxious, sub-frenzy ‘what’s next’ but just being patient, docile and receptive to however You direct me next.”

That same weekend, He gave me an assignment to play with myself at least every two hours for at least 10 minutes (cumming was not required; playing and arousing myself was). I was away at a weekend retreat with girlfriends, so it was a challenging assignment. I had a lot of fun fulfilling the assignment (and a few, good orgasms!). In fact when it ended and I was back on restriction, I noticed that my pussy started pulsing and tingling on the two-hour schedule. My body had learned quickly!

After a pause for a couple of days, Master told me to resume the every two hour schedule in the middle of last week. He came to my apartment during that day and watched me masturbate at one of the two hour marks and then fucked me at the next two hour mark.

As He fucked me, I asked permission as usual. He kept me focused by granting permission, not granting permission and allowing me a window where I didn’t have to ask permission. I did get mixed-up at one point where I thought I was still within the window of not having to ask permission and almost came when He reminded me, “Don’t cum.”

Then, at one point, He just said, “Cum.” I heard the command and my thought was, “I’m not there yet.” He was inside me, but I wasn’t on the edge. I didn’t think it was going to happen when my pussy erupted and squirted. I felt it come up from deep inside me, and I was stunned.

I just looked at Him and said, “Is it happening…is my body really becoming Yours?” He commanded me a second time, and I came again.

I know it happened; we both felt it, but there is a part of me that is still incredulous.

After He left, I had a couple of more two hour sessions ahead of me. At the end of the day, I was back on restriction…that was until He called last Saturday.

One might think in my state of incredulity that I’d welcome being off restriction and to feel control of my body again. Instead, I didn’t want control back. I wanted to stay on restriction. I am feeling very vulnerable, which was underscored by the sinking feeling in my stomach. On restriction, I felt safe in this vulnerable state; even the thought of being off restriction brought panic.

Master responded to my text message saying, “You’re off restriction. If you choose not to take advantage of it, that’s your decision.” The only thing I could think of is that self-restriction is like trying to spank myself with a hairbrush – it doesn’t satisfy the need. I shared this with Him and asked to be put back on restriction.

He replied with what I thought was an out-of-proportion and punitive response, which is that I’m not allowed to play at all…and no stimulation (physical, mental or visual). He said He might take me off total restriction sometime before Christmas.

Now my will has kicked in. I am complying, but I don’t want to give Him the satisfaction that this total restriction is affecting me. He saw me today and asked me how I was doing. I responded with a smug, “I’m doing fine.” He was going to fuck me, but since I was “doing fine” He didn’t. Now I regretted my flippant answer. As I write this I both regret my answer and still feel willful.

I think any Master or slave can predict how this one is going to turn out…