Last week, Master brought over the movie “American Pimp” for us to watch together. It stirred many feelings in me that I had a hard time articulating while Master was here. I wrote to him later saying I was struggling and asking myself, “Do I want to be an object or not?” Master replied and asked if I’d decided one way or another. My reply to him is below.

Did I resolve what seems to have been a lifelong struggle for me?

Why is this a lifelong struggle? This conundrum seems to be born directly out of being molested.

In the mind of an 8 year old girl…I was having fun being led down a path…following him in exploration. The day I stood up and said, “No” to going with him one time, he went away (which I didn’t intend). I came up against something I said no to, and what I thought was special went away.

I honestly don’t know how my uncle viewed me, but over the years the belief ingrained in my head was “I was just an object to him. I thought I was special, but I was just an object.”

My body and my mind are at odds when it comes to this. I’d say my body craves being an object, and my mind has a reflexive safety mechanism warning of danger.

I keep thinking if I could just pick one, then the struggle will end. But it is like a ball of knotted up yarn…every time I pull a string to try to unravel it, the knot just gets tighter.

So parts of the movie took me back to those old feelings, and my “what the hell are you doing?” thoughts got kind of loud inside me.

I’ve lived my life trying to just keep these two parts in some sort of equilibrium. The one way I’ve known how to do that is to not explore any one side too far….to stuff feelings and keep desires safe in my fantasies.

I want nothing more than to be your cherished object…your prized possession. I just want to figure out how to uninstall the old alarm system.