I’ve been horny all weekend. I asked for permission to play on Saturday, and for permission to play again today. Here is our exchange and my report.

The urge to touch and play has been so strong this weekend!  When you granted permission, I took out the box of clothespins. These are the ones I chose today. I came/squirted without touching my pussy when I pulled one off! My pad [to keep me from washing sheets all the time] is sopping wet. I then pulled out the vibrator and came while flicking my nipples.

Thank you! I enjoyed that immensely.

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Is it safe to blog when cum drunk?

He undressed in front of me. I sat on the couch fully clothed. I wonder in moments like this if I should eagerly jump off and strip, too…or wait for His direction.

I waited for His direction. He stroked his cock in front of me.

“You’re making my pussy wet,” I state.

“It doesn’t take much to make your pussy wet,” He replies.

True.

He stands in front of me, and I start sucking. I love the feel of His cock on the back of my throat. I relax my jaw as He pumps and fucks my mouth.

He tells me to strip and points me toward the bedroom.

As soon as He enters me, my body tingles. It’s hard to describe the feeling of completeness I have when He’s inside me.

I ask to cum pretty quickly. He says no and, ” what about foreplay?” Yes, I want to linger and not cum so quickly but I also feel the orgasm welling up inside me; I don’t want to mistakenly cum without permission.

He teases and sucks and slaps my nipples and breasts. He bites soft and harder. I’m lingering on that edge, and with each breath to help hold myself back the intensity builds.

“Do you want to cum?”

“yes”

“You may cum.”

The first one starts, and the wonderful, luscious roller coaster begins.

He suck my nipples…”May I cum?” Yes…

He fucks my pussy fast and hard…”May I cum?” Yes…

He rests His cock in my pussy while biting me….”May I cum?” Yes…

At one point instead of asking, I declared, “I’m going to cum.” He didn’t acknowledge me with a yes, so I rephrased, “May I cum?” Yes…

He moves around the bed and puts His balls in my face. I lick and suck while He fingers my clit, then fingers my pussy. I asked to cum, and did so both times including squirting over His hand.

He rolled over, and I licked his nipples. He pulled my hair tightly as He was about to cum himself. “Swallow my cum,” He says and I move my mouth onto His cock just as He cums in mouth.

My body just buzzed afterwards…and I am still glowing hours later.

“You asked every time,” He said afterwards with a pleased tone of satisfaction.

As He walked out the door, I thanked Him for all the orgasms. He suggested that might have to last me as my freedom to masturbate freely (which I’ve had for several weeks now) may be coming to an end.

I caress my body and slowly tease my nipples as I smile both in deep satisfaction and in joyful anticipation of His next command.

I took a trip at the end of June, and Master told me to expect an assignment while I was away. Here’s my report to Him on fulfilling the assignment.

Since I didn’t get my assignment on Friday night, I knew it would come Saturday. You knew my schedule for the day, but I wasn’t sure how you’d use that information in the timing of my assignment.

When I arrived at my friend’s party, I had to go to the bathroom. While in there, I wondered if I had to come in here to fulfill any assignment how that might work out. When someone tried to open the door as soon as I sat down on the toilet, I knew the bathroom was going to be busy during this party. That could either help or hinder my assignment…if it came during the party.

I checked my phone a few times during the party. I didn’t think I’d hear the text message sound. If there was a time limit on my assignment, I didn’t want it dwindling away and making it more challenging to fulfill because I didn’t check.

I got your text message just as I was leaving the party. I smiled and felt myself get all excited as I read it. Since I was just getting on the road, I knew it would be at least 45 minutes before I could complete it.

As I drove, I was trying to figure out how to do this. The friends I was staying with were gone for the day. They said they’d been home between 3-5 pm. It was just 3 pm when I got the assignment. So, if they were home when I got home, do I just go into the bathroom? Or do I just say I need to take a nap? Since life it so hectic and their house (especially if they’d just gotten home), I half-wondered if I should stop at a gas station bathroom on the way home and complete it! But I didn’t entertain that thought for very long…

When I got to their house, no one was home. They are having the outside of her house painted, though, and the painters were here.

I went in and came into the bedroom and stripped. It was very hot here yesterday, so stripping would have been first on the agenda in any case. I knew they could be home at any minute, and the likelihood of their son bursting into his room (which he’d given up to me for my stay) upon their arrival was high. So I set up a blanket to cover myself quickly, if needed.

I then relaxed and started playing with my nipples. It felt so good! Even though I am not on restriction right now, playing with my nipples always feels like a treat.

I was trying to decide what fantasy inspiration I would use here. The thought of You watching me while I cum for you usually works. The fact that I might be walked in on at any minute added to my excitement. But it was this painter working just a few feet from the open bedroom window that got me pretty wet.

I don’t think I’ve shared my general fantasies of delivery men or other household workers (painters would qualify) with you…that these men show up at the house, and I answer the door scantily clad, and I flirt and tease and subtly encourage them they can have me if they want me.

So, hearing him working outside the window got me pretty aroused. I then started fantasizing that you and I were playing on my couch. My doorbell rings. He says it is UPS, and he needs a signature. You get up and throw on your pants, but you tell me to lay exactly where I am with my legs open. You open the door and a handsome, muscular UPS guy hands you the package and asks for your signature. He’s just staring at me while you sign, and I’m blushing but not closing my legs because you told me not to. You see him staring at me and invite him in. I didn’t get much further than before I came!!

I laid there for a few moments naked when the doorbell rang. I wasn’t sure if was the painter wanting to use the bathroom or something. I got up and quickly dressed. They rang the doorbell again as I was dressing. Turned out it was more friends whom they were expecting (she’d told me they were coming, but didn’t say when). They’d talked to our mutual friends and said they should be there at any moment. I welcomed them in while thinking, “Wow…just in the nick of time!”

I enjoyed my afternoon orgasm so much that it spilled over a bit when I was ready for bed. I came again right before I texted you last night thinking of You standing over me telling me to cum.

Thank you for my assignment, Master! I always enjoying cumming for You.

I’m on restriction still. I can’t play with my nipples or masturbate to orgasm.

After I wrote my last post, I was quite worked up and asked Master if I could masturbate. He replied,

“I like it when you’re horny. As someone said on The Upper Floor, ‘Let the bitch stew!’

No masturbation today…no orgasms today.”

As usual, this caused me to both stick out my pouty lip and get even more horny!

Well, leave it to a sub to find a loophole. I’m now fascinated with bringing myself to the brink of orgasm without touching myself. I proceeded to work myself up to the verge of two orgasms that afternoon. I told Master of my mischievousness, but then got nervous that perhaps I’d crossed the no masturbation line. He said I’d indeed found the loophole, and that because I didn’t touch myself or have an orgasm I was fine.

When Master and I talked on Monday, we realized I’d gone 10 days. He suggested that the restriction might continue well into next week, and I panicked slightly. He warned me not to beg. It was a luscious mix of sexual frustration and excitement at the thought He might torture me in this way for a while.

He called back later that night and said I could play with my nipples only to orgasm. He didn’t put any restrictions on the number of orgasms, just that I could only play with my nipples (and He was explicit that I couldn’t touch my pussy or play with my dildo in my ass…which is another loophole I thought of invoking until He beat me to the punch with a no).

I came within 15 minutes of playing with my nipples. It wasn’t a race to see how fast I could cum but just an indication of how primed I already was! It felt really good and pretty intense. I waited until I was ready for bed, so the one orgasm was quite satisfying and I didn’t try for more. I slept very well that night.

The next morning when I reported back to Master, he said I was back on restriction until further notice.

These past few days with work have suppressed my libido for now, so the sexual frustration is minimal at the moment. Even in these moments when I’m not totally worked up, I love just the thought that He is in control of my pleasure.

My pussy tingles with every question: How long will this last? Will He allow me an orgasm here and there? When will He give permission next? What will His instructions be? Every thought produces the same feeling as if He was in the room caressing my body, licking my nipples, pulling on my nipple rings or fingering my pussy.

Last week, I mentioned how re-watching a video about humiliation made me cum without touching myself.

I have cum without touching myself before. I remember the first time it happened…

I was in my early 20′s. I was at work on a weekend (or after hours, I’m not sure which). That was back when the Web wasn’t even a sparkle in Tim Berners-Lee’s eyes. Home internet access wasn’t the norm, so I was reading Usenet newsgroups after finishing my work.

I started reading an erotic stories newsgroup. The stories were getting me all hot and bothered. I was by myself, but I didn’t think I should touch myself right there in the office. I could feel the excitement building. I squeezed my legs together tight, and then the tingles washed over me. I couldn’t believe it. I’d just had an orgasm!

I also know that I’ve had orgasms before in my sleep - just from dreams and not from touching myself while asleep. So, while I’ve known having orgasms without touching myself was possible, I haven’t given much thought or credence to my ability to do so…that was until I had them again watching this Public Disgrace video Master shared.

When I came twice without touching myself watching this video for the first time, it made me start to wonder about my ability to do this on a regular basis. There are times since with Master where I could feel the orgasm starting to well up inside me without direct stimulation of my pussy. I would ask Him for permission to cum but then feel the urge subside. I didn’t want to cum without permission, but then performance anxiety would take over once I announced it.

Then last week two things happened: I came without touching myself while re-watching the video and then (separately) Master came over and we teased and played with each other without cumming. (He, of course, was directing the action, but we had a fun time just arousing each other.)

When He left after our teasing each other, He said I could masturbate to one good orgasm and then He put me on nipple and masturbation restriction until further notice. The teasing was going to continue remotely.

I had my one orgasm then went five days without nipple play or masturbating. On the sixth day I was really horny, and I started thinking there might be a loophole in my restriction. He didn’t want me to play with my nipples or masturbate, but what if I came without playing with myself?

While I had discovered this loophole, I knew I needed to ask before proceeding. I sent Master an e-mail asking permission to cum without touching myself, but he’d already gone to bed so I knew permission wouldn’t happen that night.

Still, I wondered how far I could arouse myself. So, I looked at some videos and read some online stories. I got myself very worked up. I started to feel the orgasm welling up inside me, and I knew I needed to stop and not cum without permission. I wasn’t quite sure how to stop myself at that point; I was a hair’s breath from going over the edge.

I know guys sometimes think about sports when they want to distract themselves. So, I thought “baseball.” I’m not really into baseball, so all I could think about was the word baseball. I repeated it a couple of times and felt my body retreat from the impending orgasm. It was the weirdest sensation. I felt the tingles start to come over my body (in particular my legs) but they stopped short of enveloping me and sending me over the edge. I had to lie perfectly still for a couple of minutes. I know if I had made even the slightest move, I would have had an orgasm. My pussy felt like it was on fire. I couldn’t believe I’d brought myself that close to the edge without touching myself.

The next morning Master responded to my request. He said if I was that horny then I should cum without touching myself and report back on my experience.

I was glad I didn’t cum the night before (actually more proud that I stopped myself so close to the edge), and I looked forward to doing it again that night.

It took me about an hour to work myself up. I watched various videos and read stories. All were arousing, but what sent me over the edge was watching a video where a woman had clothespins on her pussy lips and she was being playfully tortured by two other women. I came pretty quickly after starting that video. It was quite late at this point, so I wrote a quick thank you to Master for my orgasm with a report to follow.

I’m struck that my recent ability to orgasm without direct stimulation seems easiest when I’m watching videos about humiliation. It adds to my own intrigue about what I don’t know about myself (and my body) yet and what is truly possible.

“There are many things on my agenda today. First, go sit on the bed,” He says.

I go into the bedroom and sit on the bed. He enters the room with a bag, sets it down and starts to open it while he declares. “Today is punishment day.”

My pussy immediately tingles. Punishing a masochist with pain is an interesting paradox.

He blindfolds me, and then tells me to lay face down on the bed with my hands just at the edge of the bed. I hear him jingling items around until he walks to my hands and starts to cuff them. He also places a bar in between the cuffs.

The tail of the blindfold has fallen over my mouth. With my head close to the bed, I start to have a bit of trouble breathing. He asks me if I can breathe, but I manage to move the blindfold away from my mouth with a few strategic open and closings of my mouth.

He spreads my legs. He lubes my ass and works an object into it. Many things can remind me that I’m owned, but having Him play with or fuck my ass is near – if not at the top – of the list. In order to let Him in fully, I have to let go. Relaxing my sphincter puts my whole body into a very receptive state.

He caresses my body while He tells me a bit of His thinking. He was trying to decide how many lashes: 25 seemed like too few and 100 seemed a bit much. He suggests the number will be something in between…and tells me that I don’t have to keep count because He predicts I’ll be too overwhelmed to do so.

The first lashes start. I want to keep count, but lose my place after about 4. I know it is important to keep my legs spread, and I feel grateful for the bar between my arms to help me keep them in place. I’m writhing, and the lashes are painful. Then one hits right at the small of my back and top of my buttocks. It’s the one that sends me over the edge to crying.

He alternates between what feels like a flogger and what feels like a cane (although I’m not sure exactly what instruments He’s using). The stings on top of the tender skin from the flogger feels almost unbearable. I grab the bedding with my fists and mouth, trying to diffuse the pain. When I let the bedding out of my mouth and gasp for breath, I feel the drool running out of my mouth.

He tells me to turn over, and helps me maneuver the spreader bar to do so. I keep my legs open although I fear that my pussy is next. Instead, He starts swatting my nipples. I don’t have time to warn Him that something is wrong with my left nipple. He hits it and I scream while starting to curl up into a ball. He commands, “Keep your legs open!” In between sobs and trying to catch my breath, I say that I have to tell Him something. It’s hard to put together the words, but I manage to spit out that the left one has a small tear or something near the nipple ring. I’ve been soaking it in salt water, but it is not healed yet. He works around it with subsequent lashes, although he does end up hitting it again. These are the only two times I move my hands and legs from their assigned positions.

Before I know it, He is lashing my pussy. He’s using the cane-like device, and the pain is intense. He comments that I like it, and I do in way that I’m still trying to comprehend.

As He finishes, he asks, “The next time…will you talk instead of reacting?”

I say yes but it kind of eeks out and doesn’t match my conviction, so I repeat louder, “Yes.”

He has me sit up. I hear rustling. He then comes up behind me on the bed, and pulls my hair to the side. I feel the collar around my neck and take a deep breath. I take several more as he works to lock it. I feel His hand brush my hair lightly in circular motions as he turns the wrench. I couldn’t be happier.

I looked in the mirror as I was cleaning myself up after sex. I just smiled. I’ve often told Master that when I look in the mirror, the person I see isn’t how I see myself in my mind. Wearing His collar starts to change that. I look and feel more of who I am when wearing it.

Sitting on the couch in the living room afterwards, I asked, “Did you count?”

“Yes,” He replied.

“How many?”

“115″

My nipples are still tender from Master’s visit yesterday.

Every twinge makes my pussy wet.

I play and pull and slap and tug on my own nipples. I’ve now even started masturbating with clothespins on my nipples. Each of these activities produces a certain level of pain that gets me off. Yet, nothing compares to the pain Master inflicts on me.

I’m thinking about that scene in the movie Secretary where she is trying to use a hairbrush to spank her own ass. I’ve always identified with this scene, although my feelings toward it right now are different than when I first saw it.

That scene describes – without words – the craving for something that feeds your soul. When I first saw it, I felt her desire to recapture the feeling she had tasted and seemingly lost. In the context of the scene, she was trying to recreate something that seemed elusive.

Given where I’m at in my relationship with Master, I’m not worried that the feeling or the fulfillment of that need is so elusive anymore. Now I view this scene with the eye that there is only so far I can go to inflict pain on myself. Even when I’m trying to inflict pain on myself, there is a part of me afraid of it. Can I really stand it? Will it be too much?

I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding pain. When I’ve felt intense pain, I’ve numbed it….anything I could do to manage it and keep it at bay.

I now seem to be at a tipping point. I’m afraid of it, but I want it. I’m craving it. I’m craving pain.

I have a punishment coming. I’m not proud of what I did to deserve the punishment. I don’t imagine or pretend it will be enjoyable, but there is a part of me that is craving it. I want to feel the pain. I want to feel His power over me and through me. I want my resistance broken down with every stroke. I want to open myself up to Him and let Him in in ways I haven’t allowed before.

I want to feel the pain.

Ever since being collared, I’ve felt my submission going to a new level. I know that sounds obvious – sort of the very definition of a collar. What is surprising to me are the feelings that go with it – feelings I wasn’t necessarily expecting.

It is easy to fantasize about being slave. In your head, your Master says exactly the right things and you respond easily and gracefully. Even things that might seem scary in your mind (pushing you into areas where you hesitate) are easy to romanticize (i.e. he’ll say, “It’s OK” and I’ll do it).

The feelings I’m experiencing as a sub recently fall more into the “nervous nellie” category. I want to serve. I want to be ready to serve. I want to meet his needs. I want to – to the extent I can – anticipate his needs. This “being ready” mentality is pushing me in to trying to think of every scenario/every path…and I just end up working myself up into, well, a nervous nellie!

Last Friday Master came over. He’d mentioned taking pictures of me, which – I now realize – I assumed would be during sex (I guess he could have meant not during sex). I was watching the Olympics when he arrived, and then we started watching them together. We got really into it, and I realized at one point that we could easily wile away the afternoon watching it rather than having sex. Well, that could be OK but I also wanted to have sex! I mentioned to him that we didn’t have to finish watching. He acknowledged what I said.

When he got up to go to the bathroom, I thought that was a cue that we were headed into the bedroom. I was sort of waiting for the cue since I wanted to be sure to layout pads on the bed so that all the wetness I generate is easily thrown into the washer rather than changing all of the bedding afterwards. I guess I could have set that up before he arrived, but I hadn’t. (That’s a whole other blog entry…the flip side of wanting to be ready is not wanting to be too ready). I turned off the TV and headed into the bedroom. When he came out, he said, “Why did you turn off the TV?” OK…misread cue.

I headed back to the living room where he started fondling me. We did eventually head to the bedroom and has some very good sex. He even took some pictures.

He’s been training me to cum with nipple play. At one point, he made the statement, “When I play with your nipples, you will open your legs.” A short while later, he was playing with my nipples, and I didn’t open my legs. I blurted out, “Oh, I was supposed to open my legs!” He responded, “You’re not supposed to do anything.” I got it…I know what he was saying. He doesn’t want me to do things because I’m supposed to…I’ll do things because it becomes a natural, automatic reaction. Still, in that moment, it was requiring some forethought, and I missed the mark.

After sex, he asked for a towel. I assumed he was going to shower. I walked in to the bathroom to make sure a clean one was hanging up. I said he could use either towel. He repeated his request for a towel. He wanted one to sit on in the living room since he was naked. Sigh! I obviously suck at mind reading.

Same thing happened when I offered to cook him dinner. I offered him dinner right after we had sex. He wasn’t hungry then. We watched more of the Olympics. As the evening progressed, I was thinking about if he wanted dinner, how long would it take to cook? I was fine with him waiting to say when he was ready to eat, but being ready to eat and cooking time are two different things. As he headed into the shower, I asked again if he wanted to eat. I kind of got the sense he thought I was pestering him, but really I was just trying to gauge timing/cooking. If he didn’t want to eat here, that would be fine. Since I didn’t know his intentions, though, I was trying to anticipate every possible scenario.

All of this so doesn’t match what I thought I’d be like as a sub-on-my-way-to-being-slave. I’m not really beating myself up about it (i.e. I have to be perfect). It feels like the awkwardness of adolescence where I’m trying to figure myself out and I’m not quite sure so my thoughts and actions reflect that lack of confidence. I’m trying to tell myself this is a stage…one that I will grow out of.

I can hear Master saying now, “Relax! Surrender!” Maybe I am trying to hard. I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t like feeling so awkward.

Last Saturday I learned the wonderful capabilities of my body and experienced female ejaculation and multiple orgasms for the first time. I’ve been sharing with Master all week in much detail as I learned more about my body through my (somewhat obsessive) exploration with my dildo. I couldn’t wait for Master to come and experience all of this with me (pun intended).

“I’m on my way…I’m trying to decide what to do with you first,” He says on the phone. My body tingles knowing my wait to see him is ending. I also love that he is plotting and planning and that my job is to surrender.

I showed Master my newfound skills. I was a bit worried about performance anxiety and if I’d be able to replicate cumming with an audience. That worry was quite unfounded. Having Master watch me masturbate is highly arousing. He massaged around my vulva as I masturbated with this wonderful g-spot tool. I loved how his strong touch enhanced the deep pleasures welling up from inside me.

I don’t even know how long we spent having sex. Time suspended. We did so many things…he fucked my sopping wet pussy after I came masturbating for Him…I licked his ass and fucked it with my tongue…he tried to fuck my ass (more on that later)…he blindfolded me…he whipped me with something new (he wouldn’t tell me what it was) and I loved it…he fucked my pussy with my g-spot tool and watched the cum come out of me like a waterfall…he pulled on one of my nipples while doing this and I came (with cum) instantly, which pleased me no end…he then put his cock in my pussy and I ejaculated with him inside me (which pleasantly surprised him)….I licked his nipples and He came…I asked to lick his balls and reveled in savoring them…while down there I explored his ass with my tongue again…I licked his nipples one more time…He came again…and I lapped up every last drop of cum before resting in his arms.

We spent the rest of the day together, and I enjoyed spending so much uninterrupted time with him. In fact, I didn’t even realize how late it was when he finally got up to leave.

He called me on his way home, which was wonderful since I didn’t really want our day to end. He gave me an assignment to work on stretching my ass with my dildo over the next two weeks, which I will eagerly do. We then talked and talked until he got home. I love how we still have so much we’re learning about each other.

I slept soundly and deeply…the best I’ve slept in a while actually. I woke gradually this morning. I feel very content, but I also have an empty feeling.

I hate this feeling after he leaves. In the past, it has triggered other feelings related to times as a child when I felt left alone. Before when I didn’t recognize that I was being triggered, I’d focus on whatever I felt was not perfect about our relationship and we’d deal with that for however many days. I look back and I lament how the old marred the new…and how confusing it must have been for Master to have a great time with me and then have me be so sad or mad or upset afterwards.

Since joining FetLife, I’ve realized there is a term for this: subdrop. I didn’t realize that most (if not all) subs experience this. From my reading I know it can vary in degrees. I’d say today is a mild case of subdrop. Still I’d rather do without it!

When I start to feel the emptiness, I close my eyes and caress my body. I lightly touch my nipples and tug on the rings. I imagine Master is watching me or guiding me and asking me to soothe myself since he’s not here. I think about suckling his cock. He and I have joked that it is my “pacifier.” I take my dildo and suckle it. Surprisingly, it does help.

I’ve always struggled with my needs…that I am somehow bad for having them. It’s taken me a lot to untangle those messages…and it’s in times like these when I can be with the feelings rather than succumbing to them that I realize how far I’ve come.

I know He is not going away. I feel that comfort more and more each day. I also feel Him weaving more and more into the fiber of my being. In that sense, I feel myself going through a metamorphosis. I will not just one day suddenly be His slave…I am becoming His slave.

Saturday mornings are nice. You don’t have to jump out of bed and start the day. I’m also relishing that August has arrived after a very hectic July, and I’m looking forward to life calming down a bit.

I hug my pillow while laying on my side. I imagine I’m laying in Master’s arms. I notice my breath and take long, slow inhales and exhales. I had many little reminders this week of how I am His, and I smile as I remember each one of them. Sometimes I feel antsy when I’m having these wonderful feelings and he’s not right here, right now to share them with me. But this morning I breathe and let myself sink into the Truth: I’m His.

I roll onto my back and open my legs. The cool air highlights the dampness between them. Thinking of Him keeps me at least on simmer and in a steady state of wetness. The air carries a whiff of my pussy. I love the smell of sex! I especially love the way I smell after he’s fucked me, and our bodily fluids and scents are mingled together. I caress my thighs and imagine Him looking at my pussy. I like being under His watchful eye.

I gently pull on my nipple ring and chuckle to myself remembering how he commented this week that he didn’t realize he was getting me  a new toy when he purchased these circular barbells back in February.

I run my fingers ever so lightly over the delicate skin of my breast. My nipple hardens. I keep it aroused tracing soft circles around it. I think about masturbating but I imagine Him telling me, “No…wait.” The thought ripples with a surge of pleasure through my body straight down to my pussy. I stretch my whole body trying to disperse the excitement. I don’t touch my clit, but I know it’s hard. I rock my hips back and forth slowly and rhythmically. I feel the primal, deep need to be fucked rising inside me. I stretch again, not wanting to give in…not yet.

I spread my legs wider. Open. Waiting. Ready.