I posted to FetLife last night asking about others’ experiences/reactions to cumming on command.

I got so mad at one response where the guy liked it and wanted more “stories.” This is my life, dammit!…not some show for your entertainment.

I was getting dressed this morning and sat down on the bed for a moment. “What am I feeling?” I asked myself.

Stunned…and I feel turned around. I’ve fantasized about our wills becoming one, but I didn’t realize this is what it meant.

Nothing/emptiness – that empty feeling after He fucked me to more orgasms than I thought were possible. He’s touching that place that I’ve longed for Him to touch. I find myself feeling very passive…let Him reach that place. My job is to be open and to let Him in.

Being an object – part of me fears my brain is being bypassed. I know it is not in this case but this experience is making me rethink what it means to be an object. I guess there’s an implication with the word object that an object is inanimate. As His object, I am not inanimate at all…I am an extension of Him…an object as valuable to His being as His own soul. Object is sometimes used to mean lack of worth, and this is not the case at all. The sheer intimacy of it makes it valuable…to both of us.

I understand my will vs. His will and Master/slave in a totally different way after this experience. I didn’t expect Him to be in me like this. I’m not panicking that it happened; I’m just trying to orient myself. I always figured aligning our wills (more specifically mine to His) would always be about me making a choice to follow Him. The idea that my responses, my actions would be so automatic, so part of the very fabric of my being…didn’t occur to me.

…and now the fact that I’m having a hard time cumming on my own…it is just jarring to be on the other side of this and trying to orient myself to an idea I had no idea was the intended outcome.

Last Friday was the one year anniversary of Master collaring me.

I almost didn’t remember the date. I was browsing through some older blog entries this past week, and that’s when I realized the anniversary was approaching.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year.

I never did blog (or even journal privately) about being collared. I wanted (and intended) to, but it was difficult because I was embarrassed about the way I acted that night.

Two nights before Master collared me, I wrote break my will as a private message to Him. It was the culmination of slowly wearing the unlocked collar more and more until I was wearing it full time. I had so many fears about what people would think and doubts about whether I was ready. Writing and asking Him to break my will was very freeing. I’d fantasized about Him forcefully locking the collar. When He responded so positively to break my will, I imagined that not only would He lock the collar, but this fantasy of having Him forcefully take me would come true.

He called that Thursday night and asked if He could come over. It was about 8:30 pm, and His call caught me off guard. Butterflies filled my stomach as I waited for Him to arrive.

He calmly pulled my hair to the side and locked the collar. I told Him I wanted to fight Him…trying to figure out how to make this fantasy of Him forcefully claiming me to come true without it being too contrived. He heard my request and answered by telling me to lay down on the bed.

I’ve often laid naked in front of Master in this position, but I never felt as exposed and vulnerable as I did in that moment. He caressed my body as tears started to trickle down my face. He asked me what I was thinking, and I could not form the words. It’s still hard to put into words what I was feeling in that moment. The embarrassment of trying to provoke a more forceful scenario had set in, but I also couldn’t believe the moment I’d longed for was here.

He marked me as His own by giving me bruises on my breasts and my thighs. I honestly don’t remember if He gave me the bruises with His hand or some other object. I remember admiring them the next day as I do when He marks me. Bruises, however, fade; now I was wearing a mark that wouldn’t fade: His collar.

He didn’t fuck me, but He did have me suck his cock. I welcomed the opportunity to just serve and be (rather than thinking) in that moment.

As He was leaving, we were talking and then hugging. In response to some of what we were talking about, He told me I needed to remember I was the bottom in this relationship. My forehead crinkled with confusion because – of course – I am the bottom. Little did I realize or know in that moment that I still had a lot to learn or – to be precise – more to let go.

This first anniversary comes on the heels of me having my first experience of cumming on command. I’m still trying to reconcile that experience for myself. The steps to relinquishing control feel very out of control – at least in the initial moments.

It’s been two-and-a-half weeks since Master commanded me to cum. Afterwards, He took me off restriction but I asked to be kept on. I have not had an orgasm on my own since.

He did fuck me this last Friday. I came, but it felt difficult. He gave me permission to cum wihtout asking while He was inside me. I’m not sure if it counts as on my own, but it felt like I was still under His control and only having orgasms when He says.

I asked to masturbate today. He granted it, and now I can’t cum. I get to the edge, and I fizzle.

I feel numb. I’m not sure how I feel about cumming on command.

When it happened, I remember feeling surprise. I held my breath for a moment. As I close my eyes now, I see me as if I were a spectator watching Master fuck me. I distinctly remember thinking, “What is my pussy doing?” as if I were asking about another woman next to me.

I just look at “her” in amazement. “How did she do that?,” I wonder. “How did she let Him do that?” like she has something special about her that I do not…but I covet her ability, and I envy her.

How can I be having these thoughts and feelings about me? I’m looking at her like she has some special skill that I don’t have…except it was me that experienced this. The one who has the ability to do this is me.

I’ve always seemed to struggle with my needs vs. another. It’s been this way since I was little. How I learned to deal with this was to be extremely flexible, figuring if I was flexible in meeting someone else’s needs, my own would somehow get met.

It’s a strategy that has never really worked. How could it? At the very least, it makes my needs a guessing game for another person and – at its worst – it makes that guessing game a minefield of my pent up emotions.

This past weekend was such an instance with Master. What should have been a simple conversation about the logistics of getting together turned into me exploding about not feeling like a priority.

When a land-mine like this goes off, my first instinct is to retreat. Fear takes over, and protective instincts kick-in. From the outside, I’m just very quiet – while boiling inside.

So, I didn’t “explode” until almost 24 hours after Master let me know his schedule was not going to work out.

Master both firmly and compassionately replied to me, and all He said did more to meet my needs and soothe me than I could have imagined.

In His message, one of the things he expressed was, “I wish I didn’t sometimes disappoint you. It is an unfortunate inevitability that makes us both a bit sad.”

My first thought was, “You don’t disappoint me.” The way He said it came across as He was somehow falling short. That was the opposite of how I was feeling – which was that I was falling short (unworthy, really).

I then looked up the word disappointment, which is “fail to meet the hopes or expectations of.” It really made me think about what my expectations are, and how my unexpressed needs end up turning into high expectations and demands on another when they finally are expressed.

I’ve struggled with my behavior of bending to someone else’s needs at the expense of my own and how it reconciles with my submissiveness. It’s always felt like murky waters – that I was acting this way because I’m submissive…so how could I change it? Never has it been clearer to me than right now that this behavior is NOT part of my submissiveness. It’s borne out of past hurts and feeling unworthy; it really has nothing to do with the present moment. In fact, I wouldn’t even call it submissive behavior. It might be an oblique way of topping from the bottom (trying to manipulate a situation to meet my needs) but really it is just unproductive – no matter what the relationship.

I often feel like there are two people inside of me.

One part of me feels like a scared, little girl. She reacts as if everything hurts her or is about to hurt her. She’s defensive. She worries about people being mad or upset with her. She bends to make sure they’re happy. She believes she won’t get what she wants, and she pouts and can get demanding in her own way – even if she thinks she’s not.

The other part of me feels like a maturing young woman. She’s grown but still blossoming. She may be a bit naive, but she adjusts/learns quickly. She’s calm and peaceful. She doesn’t feel the need to convince people of things one way or the other (although she also tends to keep good ideas to herself when people would welcome them). She’s acutely aware of her surroundings and perceptive to non-verbal cues and meanings behind what is said. She has a strong desire to serve but not as a means to prove her worth.

The little girl is louder than the young woman. She has more energy in any given moment, especially when she senses a danger or a threat. Everything is immediate, and problems have to be solved right now.

The young woman is patient. She senses when the time is right. Her energy is sustained and can last a long time because she doesn’t expend it all in spurts. She discerns whether threats and danger are real and – when they are not – is skilled at hearing the fear that others perceive and helps them to calm down. She has an innate ability to be in the flow and realizes problems untie themselves when living and reacting in the present moment.

The little girl may express herself more, but the young woman is always present. The little girl has been around longer. She likes the young woman, and she sees herself as the gatekeeper – keeping the young woman safe from all the dangers she sees.

The young woman sees the little girl’s pain. She helps and guides the girl and looks for ways to comfort her. She knows that taking care of the little girl is important because she’s benefited from her protection. Even though she knows the girl’s protection is no longer needed, she waits in her usual, patient way for the little girl’s voice to quiet down.

Master called me in between meetings this morning. He said he was thinking about me…about punishment, restriction, me flooding the bed and all the ways He could fuck me. It put a silly grin on my face that I’ve had all day long.

I reach behind my neck and rub the clasp of His collar. I am owned…and really nothing could make me happier.

It was the second time this week that I felt His ownership of me tingle through me and fill me up. We had this text message exchange on Monday where I shared that I still had bruises from sex on Friday.

So then, why do I still struggle with the thought of being an object?

Sometimes I think I’m in a dream, exploring territory few dare to go. I’ll be riding along and a part of me jolts and wonders when this dream bubble is going to pop. I find myself wanting to be prepared. I want to make sure I don’t crash into the ground when it does burst.

It’s not like the essence of this struggle is endemic only to M/s. Women have found themselves in this situation a lot (especially my mother’s generation) where making a man their world sets them up for a fall. My own mother left college to marry my father only to find herself nine years later having to get a job that would support herself and two kids and finding limited, low paying choices. I saw her fall, and I’ve seen others fall.

I know I’m not in this type of situation. I have my degree; I run a successful business; I no longer see my submissiveness and my independence as mutually exclusive. Still, I sometimes panic.

From Day One, He’s told me I don’t have to compromise. Both my submissiveness and my independence make up the essence of who I am. He values all of me, and He wouldn’t find me attractive if I didn’t have both.

As I go down this path toward being His slave, I’m discovering more about myself that surprises me. Deeper needs to be used, to be humiliated, to experience extreme pain are surfacing. As I let these desires see the light of day, they sometimes feel overwhelming, and I wonder if the scale is tipping too far toward being just an object.

I’ll fantasize that His power will drown out this voice inside me that panics. I imagine that He has the power to remove the struggle within me instead of realizing I have the power to surrender.

I trust Him more than I ever have right now, and the trust inside myself is growing more and more.

Well, my week has calmed down…a bit, which allows me to move from overwhelm to self-reflection.

In the quiet, I think about how eagerly I take on Master’s assignments. Even if I struggle with an assignment, my eagerness doesn’t necessarily wane.

He gave me the assignment of a daily task earlier this year with no requirement for reporting. I attempted to do on my own, but it quickly waned. When the assignment came up again a couple of months ago, I was the one who requested to do reports because it is easier for me to fulfill assignments when I know I have to write a report. He expressed a bit of reluctance, which I attributed to Him not wanting to micromanage this part of my life. He, however, knew it would help me and so reporting became part of the assignment.

I’m looking back through my e-mail to see when my reports stopped. I knew I’d stopped them, but I couldn’t remember when. The last report was the week I started my new client (which has dominated my time since). Hmmm…

What is surprising to me is how casually and unconsciously I dropped the reporting (and then eventually the daily task) when I approach all other assignments so eagerly.

Master may be sadistic, but he is not mean. If I’d gone to Him and talked about being overwhelmed, I know He would consider my request for some adjustment. He might deny any adjustment to the requirements of the assignment, but He would hear me out.

Instead, my will wandered in and just took over. I judged what were my priorities and what I could handle.

When He told me I would be punished for not fulfilling the assignment, I froze. I felt both the anger of “doesn’t He understand how much I’m dealing with right now” and disbelief and sadness that I’d treated an assignment so cavalierly. When I’m feeling two opposing feelings at the same time, I freeze (and get quiet).

The fact that He’s holding me accountable for this and intends to punish me makes my pussy wet…not in anticipation of the punishment but that it is a reminder that I’m His. I feel peace under His direction, and I’m glad that I can rest in that – even when I wander off for a moment.

My day sucked.

Besides dealing with all hell breaking loose with one of my work clients (not my fault, but yet-another-problem with the project we’re working on), I have an impending punishment on my mind.

Master brought my attention yesterday to my slacking off in a particular area – weekly reports on instituting daily activities into my life.

I assumed my current life circumstances (a new, big work project) and also the fact that I took the leap into a huge, personal change that we’ve been discussing for a long (long) time would be sufficient explanation. Master deemed these excuses…and my punishment – whatever He decides it to be – will be a factor of how many days I slacked off times the number of excuses I gave for not doing it.

At some level, I get it…and I can’t really argue with his rationale (nor his high expectations of me). But adding punishment to the mix just feels like the straw that is going to break my back right now.

He said I could talk freely on this blog (that my explaining my reasons wouldn’t multiply my punishment), but I’m having a hard time writing all that I am thinking in this public forum. I want to yell and kick and scream and cry “not fair!”

Sometimes I hate how well Master knows me. He sees my struggles and understands yet waits for me to punch out of the paper bag world I’m in.

Master shared with me a video a while ago from the kink.com site Public Disgrace. The hour long video showcases a woman being used by many men in a bar.

The first time I viewed this video, I just watched. I was aroused but did not touch myself at all. The video worked me up so much, I came twice without touching myself.

I’ve since viewed the video off and on at various times. Sometimes I pull it up as masturbation inspiration (using my vibrator).

I pulled it up again this past week. I flipped through the video (I’ve come to know exactly where my favorite parts are). After only a few minutes of watching it, I came again without touching myself.

I’m a little bit surprised at how drawn I am to this video. Master has shared other videos with me, but this is the one I view over and over again.

The first time I viewed it, Master asked me to outline what I liked and didn’t like. In general, I liked the gang-bang aspects of it, and I didn’t like the humiliation.

It’s still hard for me to see things like her head or throat being stepped on and other types of humiliation, but I also can’t deny how arousing this whole video is for me.

After Master and I slept together for the first time, he asked me what my limits were. I answered, “I don’t know.” He said, “That’s the best answer you could’ve given.”

When Master shows me videos like this, I’m honest about what I like and don’t like. I don’t see it as expressing my limits; I’m just giving my honest, off the top of my head reaction.

I know my fantasies and what turns me on, but Master’s punishment a couple of weeks ago and re-watching this video have made me think about the things I don’t know about myself yet…the things that arouse me in ways deeper than I knew possible.

My body seems to know more about this than my mind does, and I wonder with excitement what will happen if I listen and let it guide me.