My mind has been going all sorts of places lately. I’ve been trying to concentrate on a work project that’s due, but it has been hard to keep focused. Besides wandering to regular life stuff, I find myself having flashes….sexual flashes if you will. I wouldn’t call them full blown fantasies. More like my mind trying to pull in a different direction…

I’ll be working on the couch when flashes enter my head of Master lifting my legs to fold me in half and fuck me. I don’t let my mind go there since I’m trying to concentrate on work, but then it will happen again…and again.

I have been horny the past few days but just masturbating isn’t satisfying. I find myself craving pain.

I wanted to masturbate with my dildo in my ass. Since I regularly do this, I don’t experience a lot of pain now but if it’s been a while, it can take a few, painful moments to relax. It has been a while, so I knew it would provide a few moments of luscious pain when I inserted the dildo. I imagined Master entering me with very little prep, gasping as he grabbed me hard and pulled me toward him.

With the dildo in my ass, I stuck my g-spot toy in my pussy and started playing with my nipples. Master is training me to come from nipple stimulation, and so it doesn’t take me long to cum once I start touching my nips. It felt good, but I wanted more pain.

I took out the clothespins. It seemed a little strange to put them on myself, so I hesitated…but not for long. When Master puts the clothespins on me, he does so rather quickly and the pain is very intense. I wasn’t sure I could do that to myself, so I eased into it a bit by not placing the clothespin directly on my nipple. That pain was not very intense. So, I took a deep breath and placed it on my nipple…and then placed a second one on the other nipple.

As happens with Master, the initial pain is intense! My breathing gets shallow and instincts kick in to take them off and stop the pain. When He’s in control, it’s a little easier to give into the pain, although I admit when it gets really intense I’m more hanging on until it ends than enjoying it.

I could have easily taken off the clothespins and stopped the pain on my terms, but I asked myself, “What if I gave into the pain? What if I surrendered to it rather than endured it?” I took a deep breath and let the sensations sink into my body.

I was pleasantly surprised how the sensations came in waves. After the initial intensity, I didn’t feel any pain as the endorphins started to kick in. Then I’d move a little bit and pain would shoot through my body. Even when I would lie still, though, the pain would subside and then rise again and then subside. The mix of pleasure and pain emerged in a new way. I felt myself going deeper and enjoying it more.

I played with the clothespins again today. I put them on and left them on for a little bit. I even flicked my nipples while they were on as I played with my pussy. When I removed the clothespins, an orgasm welled up from inside me and I squirted a lot! That felt sooo good, I did it again…and had yet another orgasm when removing the clothespin.

In some ways, it feels like I’ve been “battling” pain most of my life…how to avoid it, how to contain it when I feel it, how to soothe it, striving to figure out ways to make it stop. Different strategies work at different times, but I’m realizing that I’ve mostly learned to endure it. Enduring it is better than giving into it because my fear is that if I succumb, it will somehow destroy me.

What if I didn’t endure but surrendered? physically? emotionally? spiritually? What if I let the sensations and feelings sink in take their natural course rather than trying to control?

I’ve been on restriction from masturbation since right before Thanksgiving. At first, it was only for a weekend. Then my family arrived in town from Thanksgiving. Master then turned it into “until further notice.”

With my family here, I have to be honest that masturbation was one of the last things on my mind. Besides lack of privacy in my home (I was also sharing my bed), dealing with family kind of sucked the sexual drive out of me. I love my family, but sometimes it is hard to deal…especially as I observe family behavior patterns. All my dreams that I’m going to change my life and my own behavioral patterns start seeming kind of hopeless as I watch them deal and react to life in the same, old ways.

The times I talked with Master while they were here were titillating. I was sure my libido would return once my family left. Interestingly enough, it didn’t.

It’s not like I didn’t want to masturbate at all. In fact, I noticed how my habit is to grab the vibrator as I crawl into bed. Since I’m on restriction, I find myself reaching for it, and then stopping. I didn’t realize that habit was so ingrained.

I did have a dream one night during the week that I started to masturbate, and then I remembered I wasn’t supposed to. I wondered (in the dream) if Master would consider playing with myself but not having an orgasm as violating the restriction.

Since I work from home, I can generally masturbate whenever I feel the urge. I like the fact that I can masturbate during the day, and then have a phone meeting right after doing so. I don’t generally track whether or when I masturbate…I just do it when I feel the urge. Now that I’m on restriction, I’m noticing how many times a day I think about masturbating! Let’s just say it is a lot. During these moments, I played with my nipple ring a bit. I wondered if that was violating the restrictions. I almost sent a text message to Master asking him that question, but I got distracted by work and never did.

Given how many times I think about masturbating in a day, you’d think my libido would be higher right now. It’s just not.

I saw Master on Friday. He asked me how the restriction was going. I shared all of this plus the fact I’d gotten a flu shot and was feeling a little puny from the side effects. I think we’re both a bit surprised this restriction hasn’t had a different effect on me. He said he was going to lift the restriction but decided not to after hearing my report.

He did show me this great video from kink.com. That woke me up some…it was definitely arousing. Since Master is quite the compassionate one, he said I could masturbate that night (up until midnight), but then I was back on restriction.

He left, and I thought about masturbating. I both wanted to and didn’t. It was a weird feeling.

He called a few minutes later. He said I didn’t have to masturbate…only if I wanted to. I can’t even explain how freeing that was to hear. I felt myself melt inside. Maybe I’m more depressed from my family’s visit than I care to admit…and in that moment, I just felt permission to be however I needed to be.

Even though the urge was not high, I decided to masturbate. I was really missing my dildo and butt plug in my ass more than wanting to play with my clit or pussy. I took out my dildo. It has been more than a couple of weeks since doing any sort of anal masturbation, but instead of easing into it with smaller toys, I wanted to feel what it would feel like if Master were to fuck in me the ass right in this moment…him balls deep in my ass.

I lubed the dildo and laid on my side. The dildo inserted fairly easily, although I had to just stop and rest once the head was past my sphincter. I imagined Master saying, “Surrender.” My whole body relaxed, and the dildo slipped in the rest of the way. I moved it in and out, and it felt soooo good.

I put the dildo in all the way, and then took out my g-spot toy. It felt so good to work my pussy with my ass so full. Two, deep orgasms welled up from inside me. On the second one, I cried…just letting out a couple of weeks worth of frustration that I’d been burying instead of expressing.

I sent a text message to Master telling him I wish it was his dick in my ass. He called, and all I could really do was giggle. Obviously, my mood had changed.

I masturbated to one more nice orgasm after we talked…and one more with the vibrator right before going to bed at midnight. I’m not sure how long I’ll be restricted, so I wanted to get what I could in…

I’m working on stretching my anus so Master can easily fuck my ass.

He’d mentioned having me stretch myself a while ago. I interpreted what he said as “someday.” When he mentioned it again two weeks ago, there was something about the tone of His voice that I realized it wasn’t some future thing…but now. So, I started that night. I used my g-spot toy, which was great. It has two “bulbs” on the end, making for nice anal massage.

I then got a little eager and used my dildo the next day. I got it in and all seemed well. I thought I was ready for Master. I must have gotten a tear, though, because when Master tried it just hurt. At Master’s suggestion, I let it heal for a few days. Now I am back to stretching.

I’m really enjoying giving myself anal massage. I’m actually surprised I have not discovered this sooner! It is so very relaxing. I know my goal is to stretch for Master, but giving myself a nightly anal massage along with masturbating just seems like a fine routine.

…

I start out by lubing my g-spot toy. I lay on my side and bring one knee up. The cool lube feels like it is melting as it touches my warm skin. I guide the end to my anus. I run the bulb end over it to coax myself to relax. I push gently but firmly, and I feel my body allow this object in. I pause…not because it hurts but to savor the opening feeling.

I start moving my toy in and out, a little deeper each time. When I sense I’ve inserted to the widest part of my toy I pause again, savoring the open feeling more. I allow myself to explore and feel all the different sensations. Short thrusts…long ones…fast…slow. My pussy gets more and more wet but I concentrate solely on my ass.

I imagine Master spooning with me and his cock moving in and out of me. I smile as I think how relaxing this is and laugh a little at the idea of Master telling me to “go massage your ass” in moments when I’m totally worked up and need to relax.

My body enjoys each sensation, and my mind wanders to all the ways Master can use my ass.

I slowly pull the toy all the way out and go to the sink to wash it and wipe up a bit. I come back to the bed, spread my legs and insert the toy into my very wet pussy. Hitting my g-spot with these rhythmic thrusts is so deeply satisfying. The first orgasm wells up inside me. The feeling like you’re going to pee (as people describe) is definitely true. It also feels very out of control to let go and ejaculate (which is why I suspect most women hold on and don’t allow themselves to go there). The warm cum flowing up and out of my body and then dripping down my pussy and onto the towel in between me and the sheets gets me more aroused. The orgasms and the cum just keep flowing. I could probably keep going and going. When I feel mostly satisfied, I rub my clit for a nice finale.

I curl up with my pillow to start drifting off to sleep…but something feels like it is missing. I start thinking how suckling Master’s cock would be the perfect way to fall asleep. Without him here, I pull out my dildo and put it in my mouth. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out as my lips curl around it and my eyes close. My tongue follows the ridge of the head and the saliva seeps from my from lips and makes suckling it easier. I push it in as far as it will go (seeing if I can go further each time) and then pull it out to the tip to suckle some more. I don’t even notice as my movements slow. My awareness returns briefly as the dildo feels heavy in my hand. I allow my jaw to drop a little to release it from my mouth. I move my hand to the edge of the bed and let the dildo drop to the floor. I pull my hand back under the covers and drift to sleep.

…

Preparing myself so I am ready for Him – whether it is stretching my ass, surrendering to the capabilities of my body like being able to ejaculate, practicing with a dildo so I can take his cock deeper into my throat or suckling a dildo to pacify myself when he’s not here – is  fun and satisfying. But my greater joy is having my mind, body and soul ready, willing and able to serve at His pleasure.