In my last post about my punishment for taking His collar off in a fit of anger, I said that not wearing it has been sobering. It will be one week tomorrow without His collar, and it continues to be a sobering experience.
I do have to admit I’m also surprised by my own reaction. I would have thought it’d kick in all of my abandonment fears. I loathe the term “abandonment issues” – it just makes me feel so broken and unfixable – but that is the easiest way to summarize that set of feelings that seem to plague me.
But instead of feeling abandoned or worried or fearful about the collar being off right now, I’m feeling more introspective and calm and – well – sober.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my choices, especially my day-to-day choices. When I look at my behavior, I realize how many day-to-day choices are not in alignment with who I am. I’m also admitting to myself how much I say, “When Master and I get to such-and-such point, then I’ll be this way or do things this way…” I keep holding a vision for how I’ll be in the future while still reacting in ways that keep me rooted in the past.
Sometimes I feel like two different people. It’s not that one is a false self, but when I get to a calm and quiet place like this it’s easy for me to distinguish between what is authentically me and what is not. And the question is…how do I choose to be?