surrendering to who I am…

please, please, please

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How do I spell relief? C-U-M

In the past 20 days, Master has let me cum twice (no masturbation or playing with my nipples). Actually, I could have cum a few more times last Monday when He let me play with my nipples only, but I was satisfied in that moment with one, big orgasm.

The level of sexual tension created by not touching myself at all is quite high. I’ve dealt with the restriction by bringing myself to the brink of orgasm several times without touching myself at all (just by viewing videos and reading stories that spark my imagination). It really does underscore the power of our minds in our sexual expression!

I also tried to get creative on ways to stimulate myself. At one point, I was craving feeling my nipples erect and tight. Since I couldn’t touch them, I threw my bed covers off of me and hoped that the chilly room would make them stand up. It didn’t work very well (maybe winter would be a better time to try this trick!), but never underestimate the ingenuity of a sub!

I probably made the tension worse by bringing myself to the brink of orgasm again and again. I didn’t think much, though, about how it might be contributing to stress I’m feeling in others areas of my life (work in particular).

When Master entered my apartment today and asked me how I was doing, the nicest way I could put it was that I was not in a good mood at all. When He asked if I would like to cum, I hugged Him and begged, “Yes, yes! Please make me cum!”

He let me have a treat today and suspended the requirement to ask permission to cum each time. He said I could cum as many times as I wanted when I wanted to. Oh, his cock felt so good inside me! …and his mouth on my nipples. Mmmmmm. My pussy is on fire just thinking about it again! I tried to keep count of my orgasms, but I lost track after five.

I came hardest when He was teasing and touching my nipples. At one point He just hovered over one nipple and let His breath tease it. I came very easily by just feeling his breath on my nip and his hard cock resting inside me!

He’s now said I can play with myself unrestricted this week. I’ve already cum twice since He left, and plan on a nice session tonight before bed. 🙂

Interestingly enough, the stress from work and my attitude about it has adjusted significantly this afternoon. Go figure!

Having the restrictions lifted this week will be nice, and I will enjoy it. I have been thinking, though, about my attitude toward restriction.

In my last post, I wondered how long my restriction would last. As I wrote that question, I felt a tinge inside me…like it wasn’t quite right. I also started thinking about Master telling me not to beg to cum last Monday, and I started to question my attitude toward this restriction.

I asked Master for clarification on begging. I asked if He was telling me not to beg in that moment or if He didn’t want me begging in general. He told me it was a command in the moment. Still, it made me think about my begging…

Begging can be very erotic. “Please Master, may i cum? Please may i?” can make the body-tingling tension build for both us. In those moments, I’m not asking for control.

When I wonder when my restriction will end, however,  I am – in essence – begging for the moment I can have control back.

So, one night last week as I was thinking about all of this, I asked myself, “What if every orgasm I have for the rest of my life was by Master’s choice?” I felt my whole being shift with that question. No longer did I worry if or when I would get control back. In fact, I realized that is exactly what I want and feeds my aspirations to be His slave. That night, I slept the deepest I have slept in a long time.

Even when He gives me permission to have as many orgasms as I want and to play with myself unrestricted, He is in control.

Relinquishing my desire for control in exchange for serving Him makes every orgasm sweeter and deeper. It is one more step to surrendering the keys to my soul.

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surrendering to who I am…

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