Destiny/sublimed

His voice…

…makes me smile when He says, “Hello.”

…excites me when He calls.

…makes me wet when I see Him.

…whispers in my ear when I read e-mails from Him.

…calms me when I am nervous.

…soothes me when I am upset.

…focuses me when I am scattered.

…strengthens me when I have lost faith in myself.

…guides me when I step out and express myself.

…thrills me when He commands me.

…arouses me when He controls me.

…seduces me when we explore new territory.

…erupts from within me when He commands me to cum.

…envelops me when He declares I am His.

…seeps into every cell of my being with each step of our journey.

…lives in me every moment, even in the silence.

It seems a bit fitting to feel so lucky on St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not the luck o’ the Irish, though…it’s how lucky I feel to be owned by my Master.

Today He placed a new collar on me. As He put it, this one is more socially acceptable. It also fits me better since the other one was getting too big from the weight I’ve lost.

It’s beautiful, and I smile when I look at it in the mirror. I also keep wanting to touch it. Touching it is like pressing a button that whispers in my ear, “I’m His.”

It’ll be interesting to see how people react to my new collar. I’m sure people will notice it’s new, and especially in contrast to my previous collar. That collar drew its share of attention for being unusual.

In the days before He collared me, I was nervous that wearing the collar would be like wearing a neon sign on my forehead that said, “I’m a submissive.” Once He collared me, though, I loved the fact that it declared in its prominent yet subtle way that I’m owned. When people would comment on it, I would break out in a deeply satisfying smile. No matter what their reaction was, I reveled in the contentment of being His submissive.

I’m very happy with this new collar, but I will miss the old one. It was a catalyst for being more comfortable with myself in general and was – in a way – permission to let me shine through in ways that I previously thought I needed to hide. People don’t need to know about my submissiveness or my sexual proclivities, but they can see a more confident and content me. I’m sure that will continue to blossom with this new collar.

Today I was thinking about how people looking at BDSM from the outside often have trouble distinguishing why this is different from abuse or may be horrified at women or men subjugating themselves to another like we do. Actually, it is just not those outside the lifestyle; people opening up this part of themselves for the first time are often battling their desires with cultural norms and trying to define the difference for themselves.

I, too, have struggled with this concept. More so when I first claimed my submissiveness, although the feeling has cropped up at points over the years as I continue to peel the layers of self-knowledge.

As I was driving today, I realized it could not be more crystal clear that this thing we do (TTWD) is not even close to abuse or being treated less than another.

This weekend, Master and I had a deep, emotional conversation – one in which He was holding up the mirror to some of my behaviors and helping me sort out complicated feelings I was having. He was blunt and honest with me in a way I think most people avoid (even when they’re close). At the end of it, He asked me if He was too tough – trying to gauge my reaction and not wanting to push me over some edge. I assured Him he was not too tough, although I’m sure that was difficult to discern through my tears.

As I reflected on that conversation today, I realized there was no way I could be “less than” in this relationship. If anything, being in this relationship demands that I express myself fully. I can’t be “less than” with Him. Well, I could but our relationship would hit some ceiling that would eventually prove dissatisfactory for one or both of us.

This is not a one-way street. I think that being your full self is expected of Him, too – and any Dominant/Master and submissive/slave. Yes, the power structure puts the decision-making into one person’s hands but that in no way suggests that the other is “less” because of it. If anything, the only way this kind of power structure works is if both people open themselves up and be all that they are meant to be.

There was a time when I equated being vulnerable with being hurt. When I’d make myself vulnerable, I’d almost immediately panic and start anticipating or seeing hurt around me. I’m now starting to equate vulnerability with safety, comfort and love. There may be pain as the old beliefs break up and fall apart, but there is no fear because I know who has my back (and my front and my top and my bottom …the person who owns all of me).

BDSM comes in a variety of flavors of which M/s is one. And within M/s there is another level of variety. Some relationships center on service; others emphasize pain and bondage. Some Masters don’t mind a bit of sassiness because it adds to the dynamic of them overpowering their slave; others prefer not to wrest control from the one they own.

The characteristic, though, that is consistent in all these relationships is the need for emotional transparency from their slave. This has been a particularly difficult area for me in the past, and an area that has been transforming since my collaring.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that He can only truly own me when I give Him all the information about what’s going on inside me. If He doesn’t know how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking or what I want, then He cannot make decisions that guide me and us in the direction He desires.

One thing that has helped me with this is having to write a weekly report to Him. Initially I asked for this as a way to report to Him on an assignment He’d given me. He didn’t necessarily want me to report on this; He just wanted me to do it. But I knew it would be easier for me if I had the accountability of reporting to Him. So, I started the weekly reports, and then stopped them after a few weeks when I got busy with work. I’m still awaiting punishment for stopping those reports. I resumed them when He told me I had a punishment coming, and I’ve written them every week like clockwork since.

It’s become much more than reporting on an assignment. It’s an exercise of pausing every week to check in with myself and tell Him how I’m doing. Each week, I find myself opening up more and more. Each time I open up, He affirms how safe it is to do so with His responses. Each piece of myself I open up and share is one more step in surrendering all of me to Him.

I’ve been horny all weekend. I asked for permission to play on Saturday, and for permission to play again today. Here is our exchange and my report.

The urge to touch and play has been so strong this weekend!  When you granted permission, I took out the box of clothespins. These are the ones I chose today. I came/squirted without touching my pussy when I pulled one off! My pad [to keep me from washing sheets all the time] is sopping wet. I then pulled out the vibrator and came while flicking my nipples.

Thank you! I enjoyed that immensely.

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“You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight.” ~Jim Rohn

I’ve been intending to write a year in review blog…well…since the end of the year. I hadn’t done so because as I looked back on all the changes I’ve made in the past year and how different my life looks now, I wasn’t sure how I could summarize it in a blog post that wasn’t a mile long. Pretty soon, it is not going to be a year in review blog entry, so here it goes…

A year in review you’d think would start with January, but I actually consider that my year started with my collaring a year ago November. In the days before it happened (when the collar was in my possession but not yet locked), I wasn’t sure I was ready. I wanted to be collared so bad, but in those last moments I truly wondered if I could surrender. I wrote to Master an e-mail titled, “break my will” where I thought the only way I could cross to the other side would be to have Him take (what I thought was) the last bit of resistance by force. He did lock the collar (and not by force)…and the journey to break my will began.

The collar not only symbolizes us taking one step closer to His complete ownership over me, but personally I took it as making a commitment to be who I am – to express my authenticity more fully. In the days before He locked it, I truly wondered if I was worthy to wear His collar. I knew there were still so many ways of being that were my way of hiding – and as much as I’ve longed to come out of hiding – that part of me that is ever vigilant about whether it is safe or not often kept me scared enough to let it be a dream and not to act on it.

I saw my collaring as a marker of the beginning of internal changes now manifesting on the outside. For example, at the same time that Master collared me, I told Him I was thinking of re-doing my living room (selling all the old and buying new). He just chuckled at my sudden urge to make changes. I thought it was a leap to correlate the changes, but in hindsight, the urge to have my physical surroundings change makes perfect sense.

I set out to make other physical changes but quickly ran into roadblocks. As is usual for me, I’d step out and encounter something that set off my internal safety alarms. I’d then run back and hide in an attempt to control my world. I look back on the e-mails and some of the journal entries about conversations with Master in the first half of last year, and all of it was an exercise in stepping out in trust. I look back at the individual conversations and see the theme of what was going on inside. I started to reveal to Master what I thought were the ugly parts of me…things that I thought would surely somehow prove I’m not worthy to be His (and even times when I pushed to prove how worthy I was). It was a wall I’d built and chipped away at, but I’d not been doing all the things I needed to do to tear the wall down. I finally figured out that Master wasn’t going to be able to tear down the wall. I had to dismantle it. I had to let Him in.

So, I took even more steps. Once I’d decided that it was all up to me, I took them one by one. I’d been taking tiny steps all along, but these were bigger steps. The initial, big steps were hard. I cried with each one – only because doubt surfaced, and I asked myself if I had it in me to really do this. By July, I’d put all the pieces in place and now it was time to just put one foot in from of the other.

The last half of the year seemed to fly by. Once I had momentum, all the moving parts started to work in harmony. I’ve been taking better care of health; I’m losing weight; my business is flourishing, and I’m finding my sweet spot with work projects that make work less drudgery. I’m being more open and transparent with Master, and – in turn – with others in my life. I’m feeling more comfortable and at peace with myself, and the urge to hide is fading away.

I knew I was opening up – even blossoming – but little did I know how far down the path toward slavery I’d come. This past year I’ve also been on the path to giving up control over my sexuality. It felt like fun games to be on restriction, to only cum in ways He told me to (like when playing with my nipples). I’d have days on restriction and days off restriction. Then one day in October, He told me to “Cum,” and I did – my body responded automatically to His command. It was quite a shock to me at first, and now – months later and having to ask permission for every single orgasm, I feel peace.

Having Master control my sexuality in this way feels like the most natural thing in the world, and I feel more myself now with this and all the other changes in my life than I did a year ago. Within His control, I feel the most free I’ve ever felt.

Just as I’d say my year began with my collaring, I feel like it ends here in mid-February. Two years ago this month, Master reclaimed me as His. We’ve both known through the years that at some level I am His. We’ve had lots of ups and downs over the years, but two years ago we both decided to dive in again. Little did I know two years ago that I’d be where I am now.

This year has been pretty incredible, and yet – I feel the best is yet to come.

As I said in my last blog entry, I have not been in charge of my own orgasms since last October…and I couldn’t be happier!

Shortly after Master put me on restriction in October, I came on command for Him. That took some emotional adjustment. I didn’t expect my response to be so automatic (I felt like my brain had been bypassed!). What was most interesting to me was that instead of grabbing for control, I didn’t want control at all. Master took me off restriction, but I begged to be put back on….and that is how it has been since.

Before this kind of restriction, I masturbated pretty frequently. Master would sometimes ask me how often I masturbated, and I couldn’t cite a number. “Whenever I feel like it,” was my answer. I hazard to guess it was at least 3-4 times/week (sometimes more/sometimes less). While I would have more elaborate play sessions, my regular masturbation usually took the form of using the vibrator right before bed and falling asleep.

I used to play a lot with my nipples, too. I’ve had my nipple rings for 14 years now. When naked, I used to love to take the rings and twirl and twist them. Master would often catch me touching them when I didn’t even realize I was; it was just so natural to touch and play with them. Now, nipple play is on restriction, too. I honestly can’t remember if that happened at the same time as being put on masturbation restriction or if that was in place earlier than that. I smile because not playing with them just seems so natural now that it feels like it has been this way forever.

I have to ask permission to masturbate, so it requires some forethought to be sure I ask Master with time enough for Him to respond. Interestingly enough, I don’t ask to masturbate often. Certainly, I ask a lot less than one would think given how I masturbated before this.

I find not playing with myself and only doing so when I have permission feels like the most natural thing in the world. It doesn’t take willpower to restrain myself; I just follow direction.

My orgasms are fewer and farther between, but my libido is strong – and probably even stronger than before. I’ve gone through streaks of not masturbating or not having sex before. During those times, it can come to a point where you just feel dormant, and your desire is hidden away. This is not the case at all here. I feel sexy, and I feel a lot of energy. Sometimes people even comment that I’m glowing. I just smile because there are many things going well in my life right now, but if I had to name of the source of this glow, it would be being under His control.

All of this makes the times I do masturbate and play with my nipples – and have sex with Master – that much sweeter. When I touch my clit now, it is usually sensitive and already hard just as soon as I hear I have permission. Being on restriction makes it so I’m simmering, and all it takes is a command to bring me to a boil.

I have not had control of my orgasms since last October. It started during a time when we were both away on separate trips with a simple “No orgasms until I see you next” instruction from Master. I’d been on restriction before, and I enjoy it. Little did I know it would be the beginning of the end of me controlling any of my orgasms.

In general, when we think about someone controlling someone’s else life, we usually think of a person explicitly telling another what to do…and to submit to another is to follow their direction. My experience of having all of my orgasms controlled is different than that.

I have to ask Master for permission for every orgasm (masturbation or during sex) – that is the single directive He has given me. Yet, now I find myself seeking His permission in other areas of my life.

For instance, I had an opportunity to travel to see a friend for a weekend. Previously, taking a trip like this would be a matter of telling Master, “I’ll be out of town” or “I’m going to see my friend”…announcing my decision. Yet, I had this urge to ask Him permission to go. I sat with it for a while thinking if I should or not. He’s not requiring me to ask permission to travel; He hasn’t even expressed interest in controlling things like this. Nevertheless – in that moment – I felt like I couldn’t make this decision on my own.

I wrote to Him:

“I have to admit that before saying yes to this trip, I feel I need to consult with you – to ask permission. The urge to do so feels very natural, and the thought of asking permission to travel is not only comforting but arousing (in the sense of feeling your control). I do hesitate with this feeling, though – not because I’m struggling with asking for permission - but because I’m not sure if asking you for permission for things like this is pestering you in areas you don’t want to have input on.”

His response was essentially that we are entering new territory, and we need to sort out over time the things that require His input and the things that don’t. He encouraged me to ask when I feel the urge and that we’ll sort out the details. Master is not one to micromanage; and – as much as I crave His control – I’m not really a person that likes micromanagement! He will pick and choose the things that require His input and the things that don’t. In essence, He controls even when He decides the things He doesn’t care to control.

Still, it’s not about Him directing my actions or controlling my decisions. By controlling a very fundamental aspect of my being – my sexuality – I am naturally relinquishing and seeking His control in other aspects of my life.

Do you ever have a WTF moment when doing this thing we do (TTWD)?

I’d asked Master earlier this week if I could watch the live show Orgasmageddon on hogtied.com today and masturbate while doing so. He granted permission, and I was so horny the past couple of days in anticipation.

I did watch it today, and I enjoyed it. I thought I might try to be a third-party participant by masturbating during the show. I started out that way but mid-way through I stopped and just watched. I was fascinated.

I told Master in a report afterwards…

On one hand, I could definitely seeing myself and my body getting to [the point of being able to orgasm over and over]; on the other I was just in awe…like I was watching some super athletes and thinking, “Wouldn’t that be cool” but not really thinking *I* could do that.

I purchased a month’s subscription to Hogtied to watch this event, so I viewed a couple of more videos after it was done. I’d never seen Felony before (who was in today’s show), so I looked for other videos with her. I stumbled upon this one of her in what they termed a category 5 suspension.

I watched it with a strange mix of being really turned on and disbelief that she was enduring this. He fucked her in her pussy and in her ass while pulling on the rope. I watched her eyes as he moved her around into position to fuck her, and I noticed how big her eyes got. She was obviously supported by the rope; but he whipped her around, and it looked like she was going to fall (and I think she had that feeling, too). I was having a hard time imagining being in a state where I could orgasm while tied up like that. At the end, they did let her hang there in suspension, with her being held up by the rope on her neck and the rope on her ankles.

This video has been sitting with me all the rest of the day. Sometimes when I’m watching these videos, I imagine vanilla folks watching this and being disgusted or otherwise judgmental…thinking it was abuse. It made me think of how far I’ve come in accepting the part of me that craves this kind pain and pleasure and also wonder how far I’ll go in exploring it.

For a brief moment, though, as I contemplated all of this – in that nexus of disbelief and being turned on – I had one of those “WTF am I doing going down this path?” moments. Sometimes I have to pinch myself as I travel down the rabbit hole…

After several orgasms, my head is spinning. I smile and say to Master, “What’s my name?”

“Slut,” He answers.

I think the fact that I couldn’t remember in that moment proves that to be true.