Destiny/sublimed

“Are you crying?” He asks. We’re on the phone, so He only has the sound of my voice to go on.

“No,” I swallow. Obviously not very good at hiding.

Sometimes my feelings can turn in an instant. It scares me actually. Probably scares Him, too…or at the very least catches Him off guard.

I feel like I’m in an emotional fun house where everywhere I turn there is some distortion or illusion to play tricks on my mind. I’m trying to keep my bearings and distinguish between what is in the present and what is the past intruding on the present. But sometimes I really can’t tell the difference.

I feel like I’m doing the right things: going to therapy, taking my medication, journaling, etc. Nothing, though, seems to be the right tool to extract this pain.

Master has known at a high level what has been going on – or an inkling I should say. Old habits of minimizing a pain I’ve lived with for as long as I can remember kick in. I share a little, but I haven’t shared more (until recently) for several reasons.

One is that I’m embarrassed. That might seem like an odd reason – to be embarrassed by my pain. There are many nuances that contribute to that embarrassment, but they all add up to embarrassment.

Another reason is that I’m angry. I feel like if I let it out that I will go psycho bitch on everyone around me. Years and years of anger are built up behind an arrow, and I’m afraid of letting go of the bow and forcing that pain on others.

The last reason is that I just feel hopeless. I’ve let this pain out before only to have nothing really change. What’s the use? It’s better just to keep it inside and try to figure out how to cope.

He inadvertently steps on these landmines. Present day events taking the energetic shape and form of my past. Here I am in the fun house. I can see the pattern. I’m aware enough to know what from my past is coming up. But that’s as far as I can separate the two. The feelings come up, the panic sets in and I want to run, hide, escape…anything to not be in pain.

I feel him pull back. He’s probably trying to give me the space to deal. I’m pulling away, but I want him near so when he pulls back the panic gets worse. I want him to take control of the situation, to pull me out of my corner and just not let me push him away. Don’t let me get away with it. Don’t let my petulance rule. Don’t let my distorted view win. Tell me what is real and what is not. Help me understand the difference.  In the absence of this, I’m left trying to interpret what is going on in your head and the situation that brought us here. In the vacuum of silence, I conclude that it is me who is broken and that however I reacted drove you away. I watch you move on, creating a life that doesn’t include me. I’m never out of the picture but always in the background. The pain hardens into beliefs that I’m not worthy, that I’m not lovable, that I’m not good enough. Throughout the years, I beg to find evidence to the contrary. My vision is blurred, however, and I see everything through the lens of this pain.

I spiral downward and land in the next, present moment. I have moments of lucidity. It’s in those moments that I decide to clam up. It’s not fair that He has to deal with all of this. I try to focus on us and the light He brings into my life. I try to use it as a beacon, something to get my bearings and stay focused in the right direction. The fog rolls in, though, and everything gets blurry again.

I remember the first time I heard his name. I was preparing for a job interview. The hiring manager was briefing me on who might be some of the people on the team who would interview me. She said he could ask tough questions, so be prepared.

I remember the first time I saw his face. I’d been invited to the work holiday party for the job I was about to start. He was one of many people I did not know yet. (He didn’t end up being one of the interviewers.) He was there with his girlfriend. He caught my eye, but it was the briefest of moments…the kind of moment that we have many times over with any one person and think nothing of at the time.

A couple of years later, we were talking more. He seemed to go out of his way to talk to me. Again, one of those things one might not notice at first but then suddenly catches on that it is different than usual. I’d furrow my brow resisting wandering thoughts about him. No, he’s a co-worker. He’s just friendly. Back to work.

We went out for drinks. Tequila tasting. The fine stuff. He opened up a whole new world teaching me about the various types of tequila, the ones he’d tried, the ones we should try that night. Casual. People go out for drinks all the time. I had fun. We hugged good night. See you Monday.

He shared a newspaper article featuring another place that served fine tequila in the City. I glanced at it. It sat on my desk for a long time. Busy. I’m busy with work, you know.

He told me randomly one day that he had a dream about me. Another fleeting moment. What? That jarred me. Really? I’m not making this up in my head?!?

I finally returned the newspaper to him some weeks later with a note that said we should go and check this place out sometime. Before I could blink, the note was back on my desk with a reply that said, “Anytime.”

The whole time I was driving to meet him, I thought that I would have sex with him that night. It wasn’t a giddy, anticipatory feeling. It was a knowing…the kind of knowing that makes more sense in with the benefit of hindsight than it does in the circumstances of the moment. I told myself, “If it happens, great; if not, that’s fine, too.” It wasn’t about rational thought, though. It was more like a magnet…an attraction operating at a level that I had yet to comprehend.

That was fifteen years ago. Little did I know the man I was sleeping with that night was my Master.

“Surrender means that you open to your lover every aspect of self for their exploration. It means that you can allow yourself to be taken on a journey without knowing the destination. Only in sharing every part of self, even the parts or secrets you are ashamed of, and especially the parts that hurt, can you truly surrender.” - Anonymous

I spent last weekend with some girlfriends. We got to talking about how we handle anger and other strong emotions. One friend observed that I never seem to get ruffled and that I’m so even keel. I just laughed because that is usually far from the truth and that my reaction on the inside and behind closed doors is not even keel.

Master knows the “not so even keel” side of me. Because I feel safe with Him, I tend to let out my feelings and vent. Sometimes all I need Him to do is listen; other times He can say things to calm me.

There is still a part of me, though, that gets scared and pulls inward. It might appear as stoicism to everyone around me including Master, although to Him it might appear more like lethargy. When I’m in this zone, I’m usually struggling to figure out how I’m feeling. The words don’t come (it can even be hard to journal). I’ll tell people I’m tired or something, but really I just want to fly under the radar.

Transparency is key to any D/s relationship. In many ways, being transparent with Master has gotten easier since being collared. In some ways, though, I’m still struggling. I tend to hold back when I haven’t figured out what my emotions are myself. I don’t think I can share them with Him if I can’t be fairly articulate about what they are.

Sharing my confusing emotions feels like a leap – a vulnerable leap. It’s hard to think of handing Him my raw emotions – not because I think He’ll do something hurtful with them but because it is ceding a level of control.

If I hold back and ruminate on things, then I have a chance to shape the clay of my emotions. By the time I share them with Him, I’ve already exerted a certain level of interpretation that controls what comes out. What I share may still be pliable and open to His input, but I’ve already started to shape it. Sharing my emotions with Him in those early, inarticulate stages is like handing him the ball of clay that is me – with no shape or form – just me.

It’s hard to think of giving up that kind of control when I’m caught up in the feelings, but it makes it easier when I start to see it as another level of surrender.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of polyamory. It’s not really a fantasy. I see it more as a practical solution in our modern day society.

For as much as our culture promotes monogamy as the ideal relationship path, it is far from what we see. Even in the mainstream, the divorce rate and multiple marriages has created “blended” families by circumstance. Sex may not (or may) be involved with ex-spouses, but we can’t escape the new family dynamics this creates. Very few families embrace this fully and instead use the “ex” to beat each other up and create divisiveness.

I guess it was my own experience of a blended family that prompted my thinking about polyamory. My parents divorced when I was quite young, and it confused me. My dad often said, “I still love and will always love your mother”…yet, he was living with someone else and another family. I couldn’t make sense of it. I started fishing for a solution and wondered, “Why can’t both of these women/families co-exist equally?” It was a solution that started to make sense for me.

As a young adult shortly out of college, I met a man who was married. I felt so connected to him. We never had sex, but I guess you could call our relationship an emotional affair. We went out to lunch all of the time. We talked about our dreams and our goals. We spurred each other on and supported one another in taking steps and risks toward our goals. I was friends with him and his wife. I liked her. It was hard to reconcile the feelings I had for him and for her. My views on polyamory resurfaced. Why was it either/or? Why couldn’t it be both/and?

Year later, I did have a relationship with a man who was married. I considered him a really good friend…with benefits. I enjoyed sex with him, but I also felt a deep connection to him emotionally. He had this knack for calling me at the exact moment I needed it and supported me emotionally in many ways. I liked him a lot but I also knew from the beginning that he was not a man that I would marry or have any sort of primary relationship with. I never wanted more with him than what we had.

At one point he pushed me away and shunned himself for “being bad” and flawed for cheating on his wife. He said he regretted our relationship. I wrote in my journal afterwards that – while I didn’t want to hurt his wife/his family – I did not regret the relationship one bit. I cursed the fact that our society would try to tell me or him or his wife that our relationship lacked value or was somehow wrong when it fed me in ways that were important to me (and I’d suggest were important to him as well). How could anyone make that kind of judgment from the outside?

I still struggle with this idea, though. Is it really a solution to life’s complicated relationships? Even if it is embraced among those involved, it is still counter to cultural expectations. If you’re open in any way about this kind of relationship structure, you open yourself up to criticism from the outside. If you don’t share this part of you with others to avoid that criticism, then it feels like you’re hiding and squelching a piece of yourself. Neither feels very good…which makes me wonder…what is the solution?

I lay on the couch as He inspects His newly shaven pussy. “You did a good job,” He says as He rubs my body.

He sucks on my nipples, then asks me what I’m thinking. “How I feel so at home,” I reply. He’s a bit puzzled…since we’re on my couch in my house. “With you,” I add, feeling a bit of disappointment that I’m not conveying very well the deep feelings I’m having for Him in this moment.

I suck on His dick. I want Him in me…deep. I practice taking His cock deep into my throat. I gag a little, but I try not to stop or take my mouth away. Oh how I wish I could take His dick into my mouth so that His balls touched my chin.

He removes His dick, and I whimper. He says His dick is the Pied Piper, and I should follow Him to the bedroom. I smile. How gladly I follow Him -not just in this moment – but always.

When He enters His pussy, I cannot even explain how absolutely fulfilled I feel. The physical sensation of being filled up with Him reverberates through my whole being.

I love having His dick inside me. He’ll do a combination of shallow and deep thrusts. Sometimes He’ll tease me lightly just at the opening. Sometimes He’ll stay still inside me as He fondles other parts of me. Sometimes He fucks me deep. He’s observed before that I am quite happy in all those scenarios…and I am.

Of late, though, I have such a strong urge to have Him deep inside me. Each orgasm makes me hungrier for Him. I feel His weight on me, and I just want to feel Him completely envelop me. I start deep, guttural moaning after a few orgasms. I gasp for breath a little as one orgasm ends and another begins. It feels very primal. I find myself hugging Him, with my hands at the small of His back…as if I could push Him deeper inside me that way. I want Him in so deep that you can’t tell where I end and He begins. I bury my face into His chest. For a moment, I can’t breathe. I want Him to smother me, overwhelm me, consume me.

Afterwards, I stand, but I’m wobbly. We hug, and my legs are shaking. I tell Him my ears are ringing from all the orgasms. He turns my head to the right, kisses my ear; then turns it to the left, and kisses the other ear. For a brief second, the world is silenced with each kiss. He shuts out the noisy world, and I feel…so at home.

This is an entry from my private journal on June 18, 2006. It was during a time that I was yearning for an outlet to express my submissiveness. Master was in my life as a friend but we were not actively engaging in our dynamic. (I contend it has always been there, although there have been times when it was suppressed or dormant.) I’d had experiences with other Dominants, and I was trying to reconcile my deep-seated need with my experiences.

I was remembering this period of time the other day when Master and I were talking about  the ways in which submissives try to fulfill this need when they don’t have a Master at that moment. Some women try to give themselves that physical sensation by attempting to restrain themselves or inflicting pain on themselves. I admit to having tried that but I realize that my deep down need was more emotional than physical.

During this time in 2006, I felt lost and I was yearning to just be told what to do. It is the core need that I ache for sometimes (even now). When this need is not being fulfilled, I can feel myself going crazy a bit. It can be very frustrating because there is really no way to fulfill this need on my own (i.e. telling myself what to do). And, it is not just anyone that can fulfill it (in fact, I’ll rebel to most people telling me what to do). It’s a need really only a Master – my Master – can fulfill.

~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know how to integrate this part of me [my submissiveness] into my life. I don’t know how to live peacefully with it. I feel like it is a caged animal that – when let out – I have no control over. I let Him (generic Him) have control…because he was the one saying it was OK to let it out…and then he leaves…doesn’t stick around…treats it like a playful moment. Ah…isn’t that fun and exciting. It is…but I’m not satisfied with a moment. I need more…I need it consistently…I need it deeper…I need it to the core of my being…and yet I’m only felt with a taste…left with these feelings…alone…for me to figure out what to do. I’m lost without his direction.

I had a dream last night that Master was lying on the bed with His legs open. I went straight to suck on His dick then realized that I didn’t ask permission to suck it. I stopped and asked, and He told me to proceed. I was sucking when He told me that I needed to get Him off three times with just my mouth. I was sucking when I dozed off. Master wasn’t happy, and I was wondering if He was going to punish me for that. I think that dream was just emphasizing how tired I am at the moment from working long hours. I did think it was interesting, however, that I was worried about displeasing Master even in my sleep.

I shared this dream with Master this morning. He replied that He wouldn’t be unhappy with me for falling asleep if I was truly that tired. His response itself didn’t surprise me, but the contrast of my feeling in the dream and His response did.

Master can push me and expect a lot from me, but He always has my best interest at heart. He would not demand something of me that would be for His pleasure at the expense to my true needs (like sleep). Even if He pushed me beyond those needs for a moment in time, it would be with a greater purpose in mind. The feeling I had in the dream is not one that comes from Master but from myself. I am the one that pushes myself to serve others at the expense of my own needs.

I worry so much about not living up to people’s standards and expectations of me. One mistake – in my mind – wipes out anything I’ve done well. I often find myself trying to guess what will please someone because if asking what they would like would be failing to anticipate what they need. It seems silly even typing this out (nobody is a mind reader!), but it is what is going on in my head often times. Even the logic that nobody is a mind reader sways me from this deep-seated need to please and be perfect.

When I first started exploring my submissiveness, I was very confused about this need to please and my submissiveness. Was I being submissive in all situations? Was it a misplaced, and I needed to discern when/where to be submissive? Or was it just my nature to serve and I couldn’t help but act this way? In essence, was it all one in the same?

It’s clear to me now that they are not the same. One is surrendering to serve someone you trust, who has your best interest at heart. The other is borne out of a belief that you are not enough and struggling to fill a hole inside of yourself.

The difference is clearer to me, although filling that hole is difficult. Maybe it is not a matter of filling the hole but dissolving the belief and changing the premise of being good enough. The one thing that is true is that another – not even a Master – can fill it.

“For some people, anal stimulation will play only a small and very occasional part in their overall sexing. For others, anal stimulation will be a more frequent part of sexual play and practice. Measure the frequency and style of anal stimulation by its efficacy in opening internal energy knots, relaxing the entire body, and moving energy from the pelvic floor up the spine and throughout the whole body. Most importantly, measure anal sex by its capacity to prepare you and your partner to surrender more deeply in love, a love without boundaries.” —David Deida

A few months ago, I asked Master if I could have a regular schedule to use my dildo to stretch my ass. I enjoy anal masturbation but didn’t do it too frequently before being put on permanent restriction. Nevertheless, I always thought it would be good to do it regularly so that I didn’t get tight and have trouble when He was ready for anal sex.

Master contemplated my idea and gave me the assignment to stretch my ass three times/week. At first, that sounded like a lot! That wasn’t the number I had in mind. (I was thinking once/week.) I didn’t really share that part of my reaction with Master. I liked the idea of having this assignment, so I just proceeded. He also instructed me to come up with a way of tracking my progress that He could check periodically.

It took me a few weeks to get into the groove of doing the assignment. I couldn’t decide when the week ended. I was already in the habit of sending Master a weekly report on Fridays. But in the first week or two, I found I hadn’t completed three times by Friday. So, I thought for purposes of ass stretching, the week could end on Sunday. But then I’d struggle to remember when I did it and lose track for a moment of how many times I’d done it that week. I’d shared some ideas on how to track this assignment with Master. Of the ideas, He liked the one that could be stored in a shared folder on the computer so He could check it easily and when He wanted. That idea took me a couple of weeks to implement. Finally, I created a simple spreadsheet that made it all easy to track. The week ends on Friday so it corresponds with my weekly update, and I can give Master an update on all things at the same time.

Given this rigmarole, I missed the mark of attaining my three times for the first few weeks. Now I am in a groove, and the assignment is part of my regular routine.

I find ass stretching very relaxing. You don’t know how tight your ass muscles are until you insert a large object into your anus. When I insert the dildo, I instantly relax. If I do it in the morning, the relaxation can last into the day. If I do it at night, it can help me fall asleep.

I love all the ways that Master and I have sex, but anal sex definitely makes me feel owned. It feels very primal.

Only two other men have tried anal sex with me. One was a man who was eager to have anal sex. As much as I thought I wanted it, too, my body would not let him enter me. The other was a Dom I felt instantly comfortable with. My body opened up for him much more easily than I expected. I really liked that man, so – in perspective – I can see how it was easier for me to open up. This was the only other man that I entertained the idea of being a master to me. Yet, it was the exercise of trying to envision him as my master that made me realize that I was already owned by the one I call Master today.

I gladly do this stretching assignment every week. It is a reminder every time for me to relax into who I am, and it makes it easier for Him to enter me…in more ways than one.

I read this on libby’s blog today, and I decided to answer the questions for myself.

1. I hate it when…He tells me to do something, and I get nervous about doing whatever it is right and end up doing it awkwardly.

2. I fear…ending up alone with no family of my own (husband/children).

3. I need…reassurance. This could apply to lots of things, not just D/s. I guess at some level, I’m always doubting myself, so I look for reassurance outside of myself.

4. I want to meet…Princess Donna of kink.com.

5. I’m hungry for…opportunities to serve Him.

6. I love it when…He commands me to do something.

7. I’m afraid of…other people’s judgment of me (particularly of those close to me).

8. I want to get…a larger dildo for my ass stretching, maybe one that vibrates.

9. I can…have multiple, squirting orgasms (and have started to have them on command).

10. I can’t…(yet) contort myself into the flexible positions that Master and I would like my body to be able to do.

11. I’m nervous to…have sex with multiple people at the same time (say in a party that Master has arranged) but want this fantasy to come true very badly.

12. I’m happy when…I have a task or assignment to work on for Master.

13. I’m sad when…the circumstances of my life don’t look the way I want them to, and it looks hopeless to change.

14. I love watching…videos Master picks for me to watch and sharing my reactions (good and bad) with Him.

15. I love listening to…Master cum, especially when He grabs my hair and He utters the sounds close to my ear.

16. I’m looking forward to…when pain = pleasure.

17. I like waking up to…Master rolling on top of me when I’m asleep and being roused by Him starting to fuck me.

18. I’m glad that…Master and I resumed our sexual relationship two years ago and that we are going down the path to being Master/slave.

19. I’m disappointed that…our relationship took so many turns over the past 15 years. Sometimes it’s hard not to think of that time as wasted time. But all the self-knowledge that I acquired over this 15 years was required before I could go down this path to Master/slave with Him.

20. I wish I could…share openly with people all of the wonderful things about my M/s relationship and all the profound things I’m learning about myself by going down this path to slavery. I wish BDSM wasn’t a taboo subject and that people were more open to the world of possibilities and self-knowledge that walking down this path allows.

When I ask Master for permission to masturbate, it’s a 50/50 chance that He’ll say yes. The only two, possible answers are yes or no.

When He says yes, it comes with a bit of explanation. He might say, “Yes you may, but you can only play with your nipples” or “Yes, but you have to start now and cum within 30 minutes” or “You only have an hour.”

When He says no, it is usually much more succinct. No further explanation is required, really. I’m always struck though how pithy the answer is.

The thing is that no matter what His answer is, I’m happy.

When He says yes, I get excited in anticipation of what I am allowed to do. I get enthusiastic about not only masturbating but in sharing about the experience afterwards in a report to Him. I get giddy that I get to play and savor something that I used to take for granted.

When He says no, I get more turned on than if He had let me masturbate. I get tingly (as if on the verge of orgasm) and feel His control surge through my body. I get curious what He has in store for me next.

I might be disappointed for a moment if I had my heart set on playing, but these feelings quickly subside in favor of feeling His control seep into every cell of my body.

Having Him control my sexuality and having full say over when I cum and when I don’t is a win/win situation for me. I’m a happy, satisfied sub in either case.