Destiny/sublimed

I lay on the couch as He inspects His newly shaven pussy. “You did a good job,” He says as He rubs my body.

He sucks on my nipples, then asks me what I’m thinking. “How I feel so at home,” I reply. He’s a bit puzzled…since we’re on my couch in my house. “With you,” I add, feeling a bit of disappointment that I’m not conveying very well the deep feelings I’m having for Him in this moment.

I suck on His dick. I want Him in me…deep. I practice taking His cock deep into my throat. I gag a little, but I try not to stop or take my mouth away. Oh how I wish I could take His dick into my mouth so that His balls touched my chin.

He removes His dick, and I whimper. He says His dick is the Pied Piper, and I should follow Him to the bedroom. I smile. How gladly I follow Him -not just in this moment – but always.

When He enters His pussy, I cannot even explain how absolutely fulfilled I feel. The physical sensation of being filled up with Him reverberates through my whole being.

I love having His dick inside me. He’ll do a combination of shallow and deep thrusts. Sometimes He’ll tease me lightly just at the opening. Sometimes He’ll stay still inside me as He fondles other parts of me. Sometimes He fucks me deep. He’s observed before that I am quite happy in all those scenarios…and I am.

Of late, though, I have such a strong urge to have Him deep inside me. Each orgasm makes me hungrier for Him. I feel His weight on me, and I just want to feel Him completely envelop me. I start deep, guttural moaning after a few orgasms. I gasp for breath a little as one orgasm ends and another begins. It feels very primal. I find myself hugging Him, with my hands at the small of His back…as if I could push Him deeper inside me that way. I want Him in so deep that you can’t tell where I end and He begins. I bury my face into His chest. For a moment, I can’t breathe. I want Him to smother me, overwhelm me, consume me.

Afterwards, I stand, but I’m wobbly. We hug, and my legs are shaking. I tell Him my ears are ringing from all the orgasms. He turns my head to the right, kisses my ear; then turns it to the left, and kisses the other ear. For a brief second, the world is silenced with each kiss. He shuts out the noisy world, and I feel…so at home.

This is an entry from my private journal on June 18, 2006. It was during a time that I was yearning for an outlet to express my submissiveness. Master was in my life as a friend but we were not actively engaging in our dynamic. (I contend it has always been there, although there have been times when it was suppressed or dormant.) I’d had experiences with other Dominants, and I was trying to reconcile my deep-seated need with my experiences.

I was remembering this period of time the other day when Master and I were talking about  the ways in which submissives try to fulfill this need when they don’t have a Master at that moment. Some women try to give themselves that physical sensation by attempting to restrain themselves or inflicting pain on themselves. I admit to having tried that but I realize that my deep down need was more emotional than physical.

During this time in 2006, I felt lost and I was yearning to just be told what to do. It is the core need that I ache for sometimes (even now). When this need is not being fulfilled, I can feel myself going crazy a bit. It can be very frustrating because there is really no way to fulfill this need on my own (i.e. telling myself what to do). And, it is not just anyone that can fulfill it (in fact, I’ll rebel to most people telling me what to do). It’s a need really only a Master – my Master – can fulfill.

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I don’t know how to integrate this part of me [my submissiveness] into my life. I don’t know how to live peacefully with it. I feel like it is a caged animal that – when let out – I have no control over. I let Him (generic Him) have control…because he was the one saying it was OK to let it out…and then he leaves…doesn’t stick around…treats it like a playful moment. Ah…isn’t that fun and exciting. It is…but I’m not satisfied with a moment. I need more…I need it consistently…I need it deeper…I need it to the core of my being…and yet I’m only felt with a taste…left with these feelings…alone…for me to figure out what to do. I’m lost without his direction.

I had a dream last night that Master was lying on the bed with His legs open. I went straight to suck on His dick then realized that I didn’t ask permission to suck it. I stopped and asked, and He told me to proceed. I was sucking when He told me that I needed to get Him off three times with just my mouth. I was sucking when I dozed off. Master wasn’t happy, and I was wondering if He was going to punish me for that. I think that dream was just emphasizing how tired I am at the moment from working long hours. I did think it was interesting, however, that I was worried about displeasing Master even in my sleep.

I shared this dream with Master this morning. He replied that He wouldn’t be unhappy with me for falling asleep if I was truly that tired. His response itself didn’t surprise me, but the contrast of my feeling in the dream and His response did.

Master can push me and expect a lot from me, but He always has my best interest at heart. He would not demand something of me that would be for His pleasure at the expense to my true needs (like sleep). Even if He pushed me beyond those needs for a moment in time, it would be with a greater purpose in mind. The feeling I had in the dream is not one that comes from Master but from myself. I am the one that pushes myself to serve others at the expense of my own needs.

I worry so much about not living up to people’s standards and expectations of me. One mistake – in my mind – wipes out anything I’ve done well. I often find myself trying to guess what will please someone because if asking what they would like would be failing to anticipate what they need. It seems silly even typing this out (nobody is a mind reader!), but it is what is going on in my head often times. Even the logic that nobody is a mind reader sways me from this deep-seated need to please and be perfect.

When I first started exploring my submissiveness, I was very confused about this need to please and my submissiveness. Was I being submissive in all situations? Was it a misplaced, and I needed to discern when/where to be submissive? Or was it just my nature to serve and I couldn’t help but act this way? In essence, was it all one in the same?

It’s clear to me now that they are not the same. One is surrendering to serve someone you trust, who has your best interest at heart. The other is borne out of a belief that you are not enough and struggling to fill a hole inside of yourself.

The difference is clearer to me, although filling that hole is difficult. Maybe it is not a matter of filling the hole but dissolving the belief and changing the premise of being good enough. The one thing that is true is that another – not even a Master – can fill it.

“For some people, anal stimulation will play only a small and very occasional part in their overall sexing. For others, anal stimulation will be a more frequent part of sexual play and practice. Measure the frequency and style of anal stimulation by its efficacy in opening internal energy knots, relaxing the entire body, and moving energy from the pelvic floor up the spine and throughout the whole body. Most importantly, measure anal sex by its capacity to prepare you and your partner to surrender more deeply in love, a love without boundaries.” —David Deida

A few months ago, I asked Master if I could have a regular schedule to use my dildo to stretch my ass. I enjoy anal masturbation but didn’t do it too frequently before being put on permanent restriction. Nevertheless, I always thought it would be good to do it regularly so that I didn’t get tight and have trouble when He was ready for anal sex.

Master contemplated my idea and gave me the assignment to stretch my ass three times/week. At first, that sounded like a lot! That wasn’t the number I had in mind. (I was thinking once/week.) I didn’t really share that part of my reaction with Master. I liked the idea of having this assignment, so I just proceeded. He also instructed me to come up with a way of tracking my progress that He could check periodically.

It took me a few weeks to get into the groove of doing the assignment. I couldn’t decide when the week ended. I was already in the habit of sending Master a weekly report on Fridays. But in the first week or two, I found I hadn’t completed three times by Friday. So, I thought for purposes of ass stretching, the week could end on Sunday. But then I’d struggle to remember when I did it and lose track for a moment of how many times I’d done it that week. I’d shared some ideas on how to track this assignment with Master. Of the ideas, He liked the one that could be stored in a shared folder on the computer so He could check it easily and when He wanted. That idea took me a couple of weeks to implement. Finally, I created a simple spreadsheet that made it all easy to track. The week ends on Friday so it corresponds with my weekly update, and I can give Master an update on all things at the same time.

Given this rigmarole, I missed the mark of attaining my three times for the first few weeks. Now I am in a groove, and the assignment is part of my regular routine.

I find ass stretching very relaxing. You don’t know how tight your ass muscles are until you insert a large object into your anus. When I insert the dildo, I instantly relax. If I do it in the morning, the relaxation can last into the day. If I do it at night, it can help me fall asleep.

I love all the ways that Master and I have sex, but anal sex definitely makes me feel owned. It feels very primal.

Only two other men have tried anal sex with me. One was a man who was eager to have anal sex. As much as I thought I wanted it, too, my body would not let him enter me. The other was a Dom I felt instantly comfortable with. My body opened up for him much more easily than I expected. I really liked that man, so – in perspective – I can see how it was easier for me to open up. This was the only other man that I entertained the idea of being a master to me. Yet, it was the exercise of trying to envision him as my master that made me realize that I was already owned by the one I call Master today.

I gladly do this stretching assignment every week. It is a reminder every time for me to relax into who I am, and it makes it easier for Him to enter me…in more ways than one.

I read this on libby’s blog today, and I decided to answer the questions for myself.

1. I hate it when…He tells me to do something, and I get nervous about doing whatever it is right and end up doing it awkwardly.

2. I fear…ending up alone with no family of my own (husband/children).

3. I need…reassurance. This could apply to lots of things, not just D/s. I guess at some level, I’m always doubting myself, so I look for reassurance outside of myself.

4. I want to meet…Princess Donna of kink.com.

5. I’m hungry for…opportunities to serve Him.

6. I love it when…He commands me to do something.

7. I’m afraid of…other people’s judgment of me (particularly of those close to me).

8. I want to get…a larger dildo for my ass stretching, maybe one that vibrates.

9. I can…have multiple, squirting orgasms (and have started to have them on command).

10. I can’t…(yet) contort myself into the flexible positions that Master and I would like my body to be able to do.

11. I’m nervous to…have sex with multiple people at the same time (say in a party that Master has arranged) but want this fantasy to come true very badly.

12. I’m happy when…I have a task or assignment to work on for Master.

13. I’m sad when…the circumstances of my life don’t look the way I want them to, and it looks hopeless to change.

14. I love watching…videos Master picks for me to watch and sharing my reactions (good and bad) with Him.

15. I love listening to…Master cum, especially when He grabs my hair and He utters the sounds close to my ear.

16. I’m looking forward to…when pain = pleasure.

17. I like waking up to…Master rolling on top of me when I’m asleep and being roused by Him starting to fuck me.

18. I’m glad that…Master and I resumed our sexual relationship two years ago and that we are going down the path to being Master/slave.

19. I’m disappointed that…our relationship took so many turns over the past 15 years. Sometimes it’s hard not to think of that time as wasted time. But all the self-knowledge that I acquired over this 15 years was required before I could go down this path to Master/slave with Him.

20. I wish I could…share openly with people all of the wonderful things about my M/s relationship and all the profound things I’m learning about myself by going down this path to slavery. I wish BDSM wasn’t a taboo subject and that people were more open to the world of possibilities and self-knowledge that walking down this path allows.

When I ask Master for permission to masturbate, it’s a 50/50 chance that He’ll say yes. The only two, possible answers are yes or no.

When He says yes, it comes with a bit of explanation. He might say, “Yes you may, but you can only play with your nipples” or “Yes, but you have to start now and cum within 30 minutes” or “You only have an hour.”

When He says no, it is usually much more succinct. No further explanation is required, really. I’m always struck though how pithy the answer is.

The thing is that no matter what His answer is, I’m happy.

When He says yes, I get excited in anticipation of what I am allowed to do. I get enthusiastic about not only masturbating but in sharing about the experience afterwards in a report to Him. I get giddy that I get to play and savor something that I used to take for granted.

When He says no, I get more turned on than if He had let me masturbate. I get tingly (as if on the verge of orgasm) and feel His control surge through my body. I get curious what He has in store for me next.

I might be disappointed for a moment if I had my heart set on playing, but these feelings quickly subside in favor of feeling His control seep into every cell of my body.

Having Him control my sexuality and having full say over when I cum and when I don’t is a win/win situation for me. I’m a happy, satisfied sub in either case.

His voice…

…makes me smile when He says, “Hello.”

…excites me when He calls.

…makes me wet when I see Him.

…whispers in my ear when I read e-mails from Him.

…calms me when I am nervous.

…soothes me when I am upset.

…focuses me when I am scattered.

…strengthens me when I have lost faith in myself.

…guides me when I step out and express myself.

…thrills me when He commands me.

…arouses me when He controls me.

…seduces me when we explore new territory.

…erupts from within me when He commands me to cum.

…envelops me when He declares I am His.

…seeps into every cell of my being with each step of our journey.

…lives in me every moment, even in the silence.

It seems a bit fitting to feel so lucky on St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not the luck o’ the Irish, though…it’s how lucky I feel to be owned by my Master.

Today He placed a new collar on me. As He put it, this one is more socially acceptable. It also fits me better since the other one was getting too big from the weight I’ve lost.

It’s beautiful, and I smile when I look at it in the mirror. I also keep wanting to touch it. Touching it is like pressing a button that whispers in my ear, “I’m His.”

It’ll be interesting to see how people react to my new collar. I’m sure people will notice it’s new, and especially in contrast to my previous collar. That collar drew its share of attention for being unusual.

In the days before He collared me, I was nervous that wearing the collar would be like wearing a neon sign on my forehead that said, “I’m a submissive.” Once He collared me, though, I loved the fact that it declared in its prominent yet subtle way that I’m owned. When people would comment on it, I would break out in a deeply satisfying smile. No matter what their reaction was, I reveled in the contentment of being His submissive.

I’m very happy with this new collar, but I will miss the old one. It was a catalyst for being more comfortable with myself in general and was – in a way – permission to let me shine through in ways that I previously thought I needed to hide. People don’t need to know about my submissiveness or my sexual proclivities, but they can see a more confident and content me. I’m sure that will continue to blossom with this new collar.

Today I was thinking about how people looking at BDSM from the outside often have trouble distinguishing why this is different from abuse or may be horrified at women or men subjugating themselves to another like we do. Actually, it is just not those outside the lifestyle; people opening up this part of themselves for the first time are often battling their desires with cultural norms and trying to define the difference for themselves.

I, too, have struggled with this concept. More so when I first claimed my submissiveness, although the feeling has cropped up at points over the years as I continue to peel the layers of self-knowledge.

As I was driving today, I realized it could not be more crystal clear that this thing we do (TTWD) is not even close to abuse or being treated less than another.

This weekend, Master and I had a deep, emotional conversation – one in which He was holding up the mirror to some of my behaviors and helping me sort out complicated feelings I was having. He was blunt and honest with me in a way I think most people avoid (even when they’re close). At the end of it, He asked me if He was too tough – trying to gauge my reaction and not wanting to push me over some edge. I assured Him he was not too tough, although I’m sure that was difficult to discern through my tears.

As I reflected on that conversation today, I realized there was no way I could be “less than” in this relationship. If anything, being in this relationship demands that I express myself fully. I can’t be “less than” with Him. Well, I could but our relationship would hit some ceiling that would eventually prove dissatisfactory for one or both of us.

This is not a one-way street. I think that being your full self is expected of Him, too – and any Dominant/Master and submissive/slave. Yes, the power structure puts the decision-making into one person’s hands but that in no way suggests that the other is “less” because of it. If anything, the only way this kind of power structure works is if both people open themselves up and be all that they are meant to be.

There was a time when I equated being vulnerable with being hurt. When I’d make myself vulnerable, I’d almost immediately panic and start anticipating or seeing hurt around me. I’m now starting to equate vulnerability with safety, comfort and love. There may be pain as the old beliefs break up and fall apart, but there is no fear because I know who has my back (and my front and my top and my bottom …the person who owns all of me).

BDSM comes in a variety of flavors of which M/s is one. And within M/s there is another level of variety. Some relationships center on service; others emphasize pain and bondage. Some Masters don’t mind a bit of sassiness because it adds to the dynamic of them overpowering their slave; others prefer not to wrest control from the one they own.

The characteristic, though, that is consistent in all these relationships is the need for emotional transparency from their slave. This has been a particularly difficult area for me in the past, and an area that has been transforming since my collaring.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that He can only truly own me when I give Him all the information about what’s going on inside me. If He doesn’t know how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking or what I want, then He cannot make decisions that guide me and us in the direction He desires.

One thing that has helped me with this is having to write a weekly report to Him. Initially I asked for this as a way to report to Him on an assignment He’d given me. He didn’t necessarily want me to report on this; He just wanted me to do it. But I knew it would be easier for me if I had the accountability of reporting to Him. So, I started the weekly reports, and then stopped them after a few weeks when I got busy with work. I’m still awaiting punishment for stopping those reports. I resumed them when He told me I had a punishment coming, and I’ve written them every week like clockwork since.

It’s become much more than reporting on an assignment. It’s an exercise of pausing every week to check in with myself and tell Him how I’m doing. Each week, I find myself opening up more and more. Each time I open up, He affirms how safe it is to do so with His responses. Each piece of myself I open up and share is one more step in surrendering all of me to Him.