surrendering to who I am…

on restriction

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I’ve been on restriction from masturbation since right before Thanksgiving. At first, it was only for a weekend. Then my family arrived in town from Thanksgiving. Master then turned it into “until further notice.”

With my family here, I have to be honest that masturbation was one of the last things on my mind. Besides lack of privacy in my home (I was also sharing my bed), dealing with family kind of sucked the sexual drive out of me. I love my family, but sometimes it is hard to deal…especially as I observe family behavior patterns. All my dreams that I’m going to change my life and my own behavioral patterns start seeming kind of hopeless as I watch them deal and react to life in the same, old ways.

The times I talked with Master while they were here were titillating. I was sure my libido would return once my family left. Interestingly enough, it didn’t.

It’s not like I didn’t want to masturbate at all. In fact, I noticed how my habit is to grab the vibrator as I crawl into bed. Since I’m on restriction, I find myself reaching for it, and then stopping. I didn’t realize that habit was so ingrained.

I did have a dream one night during the week that I started to masturbate, and then I remembered I wasn’t supposed to. I wondered (in the dream) if Master would consider playing with myself but not having an orgasm as violating the restriction.

Since I work from home, I can generally masturbate whenever I feel the urge. I like the fact that I can masturbate during the day, and then have a phone meeting right after doing so. I don’t generally track whether or when I masturbate…I just do it when I feel the urge. Now that I’m on restriction, I’m noticing how many times a day I think about masturbating! Let’s just say it is a lot. 🙂 During these moments, I played with my nipple ring a bit. I wondered if that was violating the restrictions. I almost sent a text message to Master asking him that question, but I got distracted by work and never did.

Given how many times I think about masturbating in a day, you’d think my libido would be higher right now. It’s just not.

I saw Master on Friday. He asked me how the restriction was going. I shared all of this plus the fact I’d gotten a flu shot and was feeling a little puny from the side effects. I think we’re both a bit surprised this restriction hasn’t had a different effect on me. He said he was going to lift the restriction but decided not to after hearing my report.

He did show me this great video from kink.com. That woke me up some…it was definitely arousing. Since Master is quite the compassionate one, he said I could masturbate that night (up until midnight), but then I was back on restriction.

He left, and I thought about masturbating. I both wanted to and didn’t. It was a weird feeling.

He called a few minutes later. He said I didn’t have to masturbate…only if I wanted to. I can’t even explain how freeing that was to hear. I felt myself melt inside. Maybe I’m more depressed from my family’s visit than I care to admit…and in that moment, I just felt permission to be however I needed to be.

Even though the urge was not high, I decided to masturbate. I was really missing my dildo and butt plug in my ass more than wanting to play with my clit or pussy. I took out my dildo. It has been more than a couple of weeks since doing any sort of anal masturbation, but instead of easing into it with smaller toys, I wanted to feel what it would feel like if Master were to fuck in me the ass right in this moment…him balls deep in my ass.

I lubed the dildo and laid on my side. The dildo inserted fairly easily, although I had to just stop and rest once the head was past my sphincter. I imagined Master saying, “Surrender.” My whole body relaxed, and the dildo slipped in the rest of the way. I moved it in and out, and it felt soooo good.

I put the dildo in all the way, and then took out my g-spot toy. It felt so good to work my pussy with my ass so full. Two, deep orgasms welled up from inside me. On the second one, I cried…just letting out a couple of weeks worth of frustration that I’d been burying instead of expressing.

I sent a text message to Master telling him I wish it was his dick in my ass. He called, and all I could really do was giggle. Obviously, my mood had changed.

I masturbated to one more nice orgasm after we talked…and one more with the vibrator right before going to bed at midnight. I’m not sure how long I’ll be restricted, so I wanted to get what I could in…

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surrendering to who I am…

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