surrendering to who I am…

nervous nellie

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Ever since being collared, I’ve felt my submission going to a new level. I know that sounds obvious – sort of the very definition of a collar. What is surprising to me are the feelings that go with it – feelings I wasn’t necessarily expecting.

It is easy to fantasize about being slave. In your head, your Master says exactly the right things and you respond easily and gracefully. Even things that might seem scary in your mind (pushing you into areas where you hesitate) are easy to romanticize (i.e. he’ll say, “It’s OK” and I’ll do it).

The feelings I’m experiencing as a sub recently fall more into the “nervous nellie” category. I want to serve. I want to be ready to serve. I want to meet his needs. I want to – to the extent I can – anticipate his needs. This “being ready” mentality is pushing me in to trying to think of every scenario/every path…and I just end up working myself up into, well, a nervous nellie!

Last Friday Master came over. He’d mentioned taking pictures of me, which – I now realize – I assumed would be during sex (I guess he could have meant not during sex). I was watching the Olympics when he arrived, and then we started watching them together. We got really into it, and I realized at one point that we could easily wile away the afternoon watching it rather than having sex. Well, that could be OK but I also wanted to have sex! 🙂 I mentioned to him that we didn’t have to finish watching. He acknowledged what I said.

When he got up to go to the bathroom, I thought that was a cue that we were headed into the bedroom. I was sort of waiting for the cue since I wanted to be sure to layout pads on the bed so that all the wetness I generate is easily thrown into the washer rather than changing all of the bedding afterwards. I guess I could have set that up before he arrived, but I hadn’t. (That’s a whole other blog entry…the flip side of wanting to be ready is not wanting to be too ready). I turned off the TV and headed into the bedroom. When he came out, he said, “Why did you turn off the TV?” OK…misread cue.

I headed back to the living room where he started fondling me. We did eventually head to the bedroom and has some very good sex. He even took some pictures.

He’s been training me to cum with nipple play. At one point, he made the statement, “When I play with your nipples, you will open your legs.” A short while later, he was playing with my nipples, and I didn’t open my legs. I blurted out, “Oh, I was supposed to open my legs!” He responded, “You’re not supposed to do anything.” I got it…I know what he was saying. He doesn’t want me to do things because I’m supposed to…I’ll do things because it becomes a natural, automatic reaction. Still, in that moment, it was requiring some forethought, and I missed the mark.

After sex, he asked for a towel. I assumed he was going to shower. I walked in to the bathroom to make sure a clean one was hanging up. I said he could use either towel. He repeated his request for a towel. He wanted one to sit on in the living room since he was naked. Sigh! I obviously suck at mind reading.

Same thing happened when I offered to cook him dinner. I offered him dinner right after we had sex. He wasn’t hungry then. We watched more of the Olympics. As the evening progressed, I was thinking about if he wanted dinner, how long would it take to cook? I was fine with him waiting to say when he was ready to eat, but being ready to eat and cooking time are two different things. As he headed into the shower, I asked again if he wanted to eat. I kind of got the sense he thought I was pestering him, but really I was just trying to gauge timing/cooking. If he didn’t want to eat here, that would be fine. Since I didn’t know his intentions, though, I was trying to anticipate every possible scenario.

All of this so doesn’t match what I thought I’d be like as a sub-on-my-way-to-being-slave. I’m not really beating myself up about it (i.e. I have to be perfect). It feels like the awkwardness of adolescence where I’m trying to figure myself out and I’m not quite sure so my thoughts and actions reflect that lack of confidence. I’m trying to tell myself this is a stage…one that I will grow out of.

I can hear Master saying now, “Relax! Surrender!” Maybe I am trying to hard. I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t like feeling so awkward.

1 comment

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surrendering to who I am…

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