surrendering to who I am…

my most valuable asset

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What do you feel is the most valuable asset you have to offer your Owner? Explain why.

As I began this assignment, I found it hard to pick a single trait. I started writing down many traits like my instinct to please, my power to observe and my capacity to learn and then started drawing a clever diagram on how they all worked together.

While all of that is true, I took a deep breath, calmed my mind and asked myself, “What has been the one constant through all these years of exploration?”

I then thought about times when I told Master either “I can’t do this anymore” or was on the verge of doing so. In those contexts, it was always about our relationship not looking like I wanted it to look and blaming him for that.

Since right before he collared me, I told myself I would not end our relationship for those kinds of reasons again. I knew in the times when I did tell him, “I can’t do this anymore,” two things happened:

  1. I felt lost and more miserable without his guidance, and
  2. I have always felt owned by Him, and whether we are actively in a sexual relationship or not, that dynamic is always there.

In the years since I’ve been collared, I have reached points where I want to break away. I’ve thought of the above reasons not to, and I didn’t. A couple of years ago, though, I was on the verge again. During a pause in a mundane conversation, we were looking at each other eye-to-eye and I almost blurted it out then… “I can’t do this anymore.”

At that point, I was most cognizant of feeling lost without his guidance. In the days after that, I thought about how I could have the feeling of that guidance and still break away.

I thought specifically about my weekly reports. I asked myself, “How would I write and share with my Owner if I’d truly surrendered?” I realized how differently the reports would look. It was the moment I grasped how I based my surrender on an ideal, and how I unconsciously punish and resent Master for being human.

That was a turning point for me.

Things didn’t get better right away, but this point of view started informing my choices. My focus shifted slowly from “being His” to “being me.”

My quest has always been to be me – authentically and fully – although for many years the only way I could entertain the possibility of that being safe was interlocked with Him, His presence and His energy fueling me. As gently (and sometimes forcefully) he would try to point that out to me, I’d dismiss it and blame him.

Since shifting my focus from “being His” to “being me,” I strive to see the best in Him while honoring his humanness. It has made a lot of difference in that I feel much more content and find my willingness to surrender deepen.

My most valuable asset I offer to my Master, my Owner is the deepest commitment to be my true self. In doing so, I hope I also hold the space for Him being His true self. It’s a journey we take separately as much as we take it together.

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surrendering to who I am…

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