It’s 9 am, and for the first time in a while I don’t have an early morning meeting. So, it is a little bit of a lazy morning here in bed.
I wake up with a low grade anxiety (although I’m sleeping OK). Master feels far away right now, even though he’s not really. We played Word with Friends this morning and exchanged a quick message about a game that just finished. He’s here, in my life and has never gone away, despite the times I push him away.
My eyes well up with tears…every time we’ve expressed that we’ve been on the verge of ending our relationship (i.e. no contact – I’m done), it’s been because I pushed. I expressed that my needs weren’t being met, and he gets to the point where he says what else can he do. My biggest fear is that he’ll go away and I push him to that point and he thinks about it but never does.
This is what happens…I explode and then I get to this point…where I feel incredibly guilty…guilty for all I put him through (or anyone through, really). I just want to curl up in his arms and say, “I’m sorry.” If only sorry were the magic word to make all this fear go away.
I just read kaya’s latest blog entry. She mentioned that her Master is traveling, and they are not in contact very often at the moment. When they do talk, he sounds displeased. She talked about her usual reaction to his displeasure (which goes to almost non-functioning), and how he needs her to function, especially while he is away. She ended the passage, “Who wants to own a bitch, right?” Yes, who wants to own a bitch.
All he’s ever asked of me, really, is to take care of myself. To treat myself with the respect and care that I want for myself. To offer Him the best of me. And I twist that around in my head to mean he doesn’t care, he doesn’t want me, that I am no good, that I am not worthy, that I am less than <insert some external measurement>.
He gives me so much, and it goes into a sinkhole…and I ask for more: more attention, more dominance, more reassurance. Pretty demanding for a submissive…