surrendering to who I am…

let His fingers do the talking


I’ve had the requirement to ask permission to cum for a long time now. This includes masturbation as well as during sex.

In the beginning and for a long while, I asked every single time I’d cum during sex. That can result in a lot of asking! Over time, I noticed how asking was interfering with the rolling waves of orgasm. I was trying to control the urge so He could control my urge to cum.

Recently, permission has become more wordless. He may ask me if I’m ready to cum, but I’m more than content for Him to decide when rather than asking. We seem to have evolved to an initial ask (rarer on my part) or His command and then fewer words (if any) after that.

One particular time recently, He was fingering me. I was leaning into every sensation, feeling each moment roll into the next. I can’t remember if I asked to cum the first time or if He told me to, but the one after that I did not. When I apologized for not asking, He just said “cum,” and I came again.

I focused all my attention on His finger. It was clear that His finger at this point was giving the commands. Master has learned the cues my body gives when I’m ready to cum, and He was deftly navigating now.

For split seconds, I would feel the urge to direct the sensation. “Over here, over there,” I’d think to myself and want to direct my hip movements. I’d then pause and surrender, knowing full well that all I need to do was lean into each sensation.

It’s a very different sensation to let an orgasm bubble up and out from within you. It’s not a passive act at all. It takes skill to receive and allow. It’s a kind of power I vaguely understood but never fully comprehended. It’s not a competing power but a complementary one.

With each stroke, it was clear we wanted to go to the same place, and He’d take me there. Without words, there was no decision to follow…just following.

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surrendering to who I am…




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