surrendering to who I am…

jealousy

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I have always prided myself on not being a jealous person. So, when jealousy arises within me, I am quick to deny it.

I’ve tried to soften jealous feelings over the years by saying that I am sometimes envious but not jealous. By that I mean I might covet what someone else has, but I don’t project ill will toward the person for having it. By separating the two, I perceive that I amĀ dealing with these feelings in a more grown up manner. At some level, though, I am still denying the feelings going on inside me.

I looked up the definition of jealously. One definition is “mental uneasinesss from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc. as in love or aims.” When Master mentions another women in our conversations, it doesn’t matter what her relationship is to Him, I feel jealousy rise up within me. Since I don’t consider myself a jealous person, I immediately try to push down those feelings and be open. Yet, the wheels inside my mind are already spinning, especially in comparing myself to whomever He is talking about.

Another definition of jealousy is “vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.” I want to guard that Master and I have something special, and sometimes hearing Him talk about other women – past or current lovers in particular – I immediately go to the thought, “I am not special.”

When I notice and allow these jealous feelings, I realize that it is about comparison for me. “What does she have that I don’t have?” “How does she fulfill his needs, and how could I fulfill them instead?” I am always the one lacking when considering these questions, and I so desperately want to show Him I am not lacking.

When I see jealousy rise up in my friends and their relationships, I am always struck by how we women put each other down. “She shouldn’t be flirting with my man!” or “How dare she act like that! Who does she think she is?” or “She’s a bitch!” Rarely – if ever – are the husband/boyfriend/lover’s actions questioned. He’s the one she’s guarding/protecting. The other woman is the predator….and now she is the prey for theĀ “wronged” woman.

The hard thing about jealously – especially when I bury it – is that it pulls me away from Master emotionally. There are times when I seem to manage it, and then I can ask Him questions about the other woman. I may still be comparing myself to her, but I somehow manage to stay open and hear about her. Other times, it just hurts because I feel so inferior, so I purposefully avoid asking any questions or see how I can redirect the topic so I don’t have to deal with the feelings at all. Master notices and then holds back, not wanting to hurt me.

The problem is it starts to create a bubble around us that is too easily popped. It separates me from parts of Master’s life, and that has the opposite effect than I intend.

It’s easier to pull away and be silently angry than to be vulnerable and admit I feel insecure. It also prevents me from changing how I feel about myself because I’m always projecting onto someone else.

It’s heedless of me to want to be His slave and yet make a passive (and futile) attempt to steer direction by being angry and hurt by parts of His life (assuming He would see how much He is hurting me and stop).

I don’t want to live in a fantasy world with Master. I want to feel secure in His world, and that starts with feeling secure in myself.

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surrendering to who I am…

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