surrendering to who I am…

independent choices

i

Last week, I was trying to make a decision. I knew Master would want input on the decision. I did ask Him, although I asked via a text message that I sent late in the evening.

I didn’t get a reply. I thought of what would make Master comfortable saying yes. I contemplated whether to wait or go ahead. I weighed the “risks” (how far my decision would have an impact, whether Master would approve, etc.), and I decided to go ahead without hearing from Master.

Well, I caught Master by surprise (and not in a good way). Ultimately, He didn’t ask me to backtrack on the decision but was very clear: He wanted to be aware of such things before they happened.

What was interesting to me was my reaction – or to be more accurate – my two, different reactions.

On one hand, I started to panic. That part of me that always seems worried I’m going to displease Him surfaced. I kicked myself for not following my first instinct to ask and for not having the patience to wait for His answer. I wanted to text Him later that day and ask, “Are you mad at me?” I was in a needy, begging for assurance state.

Deeper inside me, I was having another reaction. I was calm. My calculated reasoning that it was OK to proceed missed the mark. I got clear feedback on what He does want in a case like this, and this part of me noted it for future reference. I smiled at this relatively small example of my will and His Will. I was in a self-assured, content state, and I decided any “mistake” I made in this regard was just part of our path together.

In the grand scheme of things, I’d say this is a relatively minor incident. We have not discussed it since, and in some ways it isn’t even worth noting. What strikes me about this, though, is the two different reactions. It is an example and sheds more awareness on how I sometimes feel like two different people.

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surrendering to who I am…

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