Sometimes I think He is more comfortable with my independence than I am.
It’s not really that I’m uncomfortable with my independence. Quite the contrary. I’m very familiar with it. It’s the drive behind actions such as moving out-of-state to go to college and starting my own business. It’s demonstrated in my thirst for knowledge and continual learning. It’s my strength when I know that circumstances around me aren’t quite right, and it compels me to transform my world in search of my desires and ideals.
It’s also what I cling to when I feel out of control. It’s where I retreat when I feel stuck. It’s what I lean on when I think I have nothing else to lean on. It’s in these moments I feel uncomfortable with my submissiveness.
For most of my life, my submissiveness has been something to contain…to manage. Submissiveness is not valued in society in general. Top that with early experiences where one’s submissiveness suffered abuse, and it becomes something you just want to hide.
When I hear His voice, I don’t want to hide. Quite the contrary. I feel a deep sense of freedom when I follow His direction…freedom to be who I am.
Sometimes the way I respond to Him utterly surprises me…not in what I say or do (although that can be surprising in and of itself) but in its naturalness. I respond from such an honest and pure place. There’s no struggle here – no crisis of confidence. I just am.
So, what’s happening when I do struggle? He always says I have a choice. It seems so contradictory. I know it is my choice to submit, but after that am I not supposed to be relieved of the struggle over choice?
When I find myself “overly pleasing,” I’m either so anxious to be pleasing Him that I think more will be even better, or I’m not sure I am pleasing Him so I start fishing for what will. I also find myself saying in these times (either explicitly or implicitly), “Tell me what to do.” It’s in these moments I feel uncomfortable with my independence.
He told me early on in our relationship that submission is in the mind and doesn’t require chains to enforce itself. I didn’t fully understand what he meant at the time.
My submission is not something that comes from external command. My submission comes from deep within me. It’s not something I have to chase or capture. I just have to connect and allow. What emerges is the clay which He has the opportunity to mold and shape through His direction and discipline, bringing form and substance to my essence. As my essence takes the shape He envisions, my independent choices reflect my submission to Him.
He knows this better than I do, but my understanding is budding.