surrendering to who I am…

fear, disappointment and needs

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I’ve always seemed to struggle with my needs vs. another. It’s been this way since I was little. How I learned to deal with this was to be extremely flexible, figuring if I was flexible in meeting someone else’s needs, my own would somehow get met.

It’s a strategy that has never really worked. How could it? At the very least, it makes my needs a guessing game for another person and – at its worst – it makes that guessing game a minefield of my pent up emotions.

This past weekend was such an instance with Master. What should have been a simple conversation about the logistics of getting together turned into me exploding about not feeling like a priority.

When a land-mine like this goes off, my first instinct is to retreat. Fear takes over, and protective instincts kick-in. From the outside, I’m just very quiet – while boiling inside.

So, I didn’t “explode” until almost 24 hours after Master let me know his schedule was not going to work out.

Master both firmly and compassionately replied to me, and all He said did more to meet my needs and soothe me than I could have imagined.

In His message, one of the things he expressed was, “I wish I didn’t sometimes disappoint you. It is an unfortunate inevitability that makes us both a bit sad.”

My first thought was, “You don’t disappoint me.” The way He said it came across as He was somehow falling short. That was the opposite of how I was feeling – which was that I was falling short (unworthy, really).

I then looked up the word disappointment, which is “fail to meet the hopes or expectations of.” It really made me think about what my expectations are, and how my unexpressed needs end up turning into high expectations and demands on another when they finally are expressed.

I’ve struggled with my behavior of bending to someone else’s needs at the expense of my own and how it reconciles with my submissiveness. It’s always felt like murky waters – that I was acting this way because I’m submissive…so how could I change it? Never has it been clearer to me than right now that this behavior is NOT part of my submissiveness. It’s borne out of past hurts and feeling unworthy; it really has nothing to do with the present moment. In fact, I wouldn’t even call it submissive behavior. It might be an oblique way of topping from the bottom (trying to manipulate a situation to meet my needs) but really it is just unproductive – no matter what the relationship.

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surrendering to who I am…

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