surrendering to who I am…

contentment

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As I said in my last blog entry, I have not been in charge of my own orgasms since last October…and I couldn’t be happier!

Shortly after Master put me on restriction in October, I came on command for Him. That took some emotional adjustment. I didn’t expect my response to be so automatic (I felt like my brain had been bypassed!). What was most interesting to me was that instead of grabbing for control, I didn’t want control at all. Master took me off restriction, but I begged to be put back on….and that is how it has been since.

Before this kind of restriction, I masturbated pretty frequently. Master would sometimes ask me how often I masturbated, and I couldn’t cite a number. “Whenever I feel like it,” was my answer. I hazard to guess it was at least 3-4 times/week (sometimes more/sometimes less). While I would have more elaborate play sessions, my regular masturbation usually took the form of using the vibrator right before bed and falling asleep.

I used to play a lot with my nipples, too. I’ve had my nipple rings for 14 years now. When naked, I used to love to take the rings and twirl and twist them. Master would often catch me touching them when I didn’t even realize I was; it was just so natural to touch and play with them. Now, nipple play is on restriction, too. I honestly can’t remember if that happened at the same time as being put on masturbation restriction or if that was in place earlier than that. I smile because not playing with them just seems so natural now that it feels like it has been this way forever.

I have to ask permission to masturbate, so it requires some forethought to be sure I ask Master with time enough for Him to respond. Interestingly enough, I don’t ask to masturbate often. Certainly, I ask a lot less than one would think given how I masturbated before this.

I find not playing with myself and only doing so when I have permission feels like the most natural thing in the world. It doesn’t take willpower to restrain myself; I just follow direction.

My orgasms are fewer and farther between, but my libido is strong – and probably even stronger than before. I’ve gone through streaks of not masturbating or not having sex before. During those times, it can come to a point where you just feel dormant, and your desire is hidden away. This is not the case at all here. I feel sexy, and I feel a lot of energy. Sometimes people even comment that I’m glowing. I just smile because there are many things going well in my life right now, but if I had to name of the source of this glow, it would be being under His control.

All of this makes the times I do masturbate and play with my nipples – and have sex with Master – that much sweeter. When I touch my clit now, it is usually sensitive and already hard just as soon as I hear I have permission. Being on restriction makes it so I’m simmering, and all it takes is a command to bring me to a boil.

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surrendering to who I am…

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