surrendering to who I am…



My mind has been going all sorts of places lately. I’ve been trying to concentrate on a work project that’s due, but it has been hard to keep focused. Besides wandering to regular life stuff, I find myself having flashes….sexual flashes if you will. I wouldn’t call them full blown fantasies. More like my mind trying to pull in a different direction…

I’ll be working on the couch when flashes enter my head of Master lifting my legs to fold me in half and fuck me. I don’t let my mind go there since I’m trying to concentrate on work, but then it will happen again…and again.

I have been horny the past few days but just masturbating isn’t satisfying. I find myself craving pain.

I wanted to masturbate with my dildo in my ass. Since I regularly do this, I don’t experience a lot of pain now but if it’s been a while, it can take a few, painful moments to relax. It has been a while, so I knew it would provide a few moments of luscious pain when I inserted the dildo. I imagined Master entering me with very little prep, gasping as he grabbed me hard and pulled me toward him.

With the dildo in my ass, I stuck my g-spot toy in my pussy and started playing with my nipples. Master is training me to come from nipple stimulation, and so it doesn’t take me long to cum once I start touching my nips. It felt good, but I wanted more pain.

I took out the clothespins. It seemed a little strange to put them on myself, so I hesitated…but not for long. When Master puts the clothespins on me, he does so rather quickly and the pain is very intense. I wasn’t sure I could do that to myself, so I eased into it a bit by not placing the clothespin directly on my nipple. That pain was not very intense. So, I took a deep breath and placed it on my nipple…and then placed a second one on the other nipple.

As happens with Master, the initial pain is intense! My breathing gets shallow and instincts kick in to take them off and stop the pain. When He’s in control, it’s a little easier to give into the pain, although I admit when it gets really intense I’m more hanging on until it ends than enjoying it.

I could have easily taken off the clothespins and stopped the pain on my terms, but I asked myself, “What if I gave into the pain? What if I surrendered to it rather than endured it?” I took a deep breath and let the sensations sink into my body.

I was pleasantly surprised how the sensations came in waves. After the initial intensity, I didn’t feel any pain as the endorphins started to kick in. Then I’d move a little bit and pain would shoot through my body. Even when I would lie still, though, the pain would subside and then rise again and then subside. The mix of pleasure and pain emerged in a new way. I felt myself going deeper and enjoying it more.

I played with the clothespins again today. I put them on and left them on for a little bit. I even flicked my nipples while they were on as I played with my pussy. When I removed the clothespins, an orgasm welled up from inside me and I squirted a lot! That felt sooo good, I did it again…and had yet another orgasm when removing the clothespin.

In some ways, it feels like I’ve been “battling” pain most of my life…how to avoid it, how to contain it when I feel it, how to soothe it, striving to figure out ways to make it stop. Different strategies work at different times, but I’m realizing that I’ve mostly learned to endure it. Enduring it is better than giving into it because my fear is that if I succumb, it will somehow destroy me.

What if I didn’t endure but surrendered? physically? emotionally? spiritually? What if I let the sensations and feelings sink in take their natural course rather than trying to control?

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surrendering to who I am…




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