This is an entry from my private journal on June 18, 2006. It was during a time that I was yearning for an outlet to express my submissiveness. Master was in my life as a friend but we were not actively engaging in our dynamic. (I contend it has always been there, although there have been times when it was suppressed or dormant.) I’d had experiences with other Dominants, and I was trying to reconcile my deep-seated need with my experiences.

I was remembering this period of time the other day when Master and I were talking about  the ways in which submissives try to fulfill this need when they don’t have a Master at that moment. Some women try to give themselves that physical sensation by attempting to restrain themselves or inflicting pain on themselves. I admit to having tried that but I realize that my deep down need was more emotional than physical.

During this time in 2006, I felt lost and I was yearning to just be told what to do. It is the core need that I ache for sometimes (even now). When this need is not being fulfilled, I can feel myself going crazy a bit. It can be very frustrating because there is really no way to fulfill this need on my own (i.e. telling myself what to do). And, it is not just anyone that can fulfill it (in fact, I’ll rebel to most people telling me what to do). It’s a need really only a Master – my Master – can fulfill.

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I don’t know how to integrate this part of me [my submissiveness] into my life. I don’t know how to live peacefully with it. I feel like it is a caged animal that – when let out – I have no control over. I let Him (generic Him) have control…because he was the one saying it was OK to let it out…and then he leaves…doesn’t stick around…treats it like a playful moment. Ah…isn’t that fun and exciting. It is…but I’m not satisfied with a moment. I need more…I need it consistently…I need it deeper…I need it to the core of my being…and yet I’m only felt with a taste…left with these feelings…alone…for me to figure out what to do. I’m lost without his direction.

I had a dream last night that Master was lying on the bed with His legs open. I went straight to suck on His dick then realized that I didn’t ask permission to suck it. I stopped and asked, and He told me to proceed. I was sucking when He told me that I needed to get Him off three times with just my mouth. I was sucking when I dozed off. Master wasn’t happy, and I was wondering if He was going to punish me for that. I think that dream was just emphasizing how tired I am at the moment from working long hours. I did think it was interesting, however, that I was worried about displeasing Master even in my sleep.

I shared this dream with Master this morning. He replied that He wouldn’t be unhappy with me for falling asleep if I was truly that tired. His response itself didn’t surprise me, but the contrast of my feeling in the dream and His response did.

Master can push me and expect a lot from me, but He always has my best interest at heart. He would not demand something of me that would be for His pleasure at the expense to my true needs (like sleep). Even if He pushed me beyond those needs for a moment in time, it would be with a greater purpose in mind. The feeling I had in the dream is not one that comes from Master but from myself. I am the one that pushes myself to serve others at the expense of my own needs.

I worry so much about not living up to people’s standards and expectations of me. One mistake – in my mind – wipes out anything I’ve done well. I often find myself trying to guess what will please someone because if asking what they would like would be failing to anticipate what they need. It seems silly even typing this out (nobody is a mind reader!), but it is what is going on in my head often times. Even the logic that nobody is a mind reader sways me from this deep-seated need to please and be perfect.

When I first started exploring my submissiveness, I was very confused about this need to please and my submissiveness. Was I being submissive in all situations? Was it a misplaced, and I needed to discern when/where to be submissive? Or was it just my nature to serve and I couldn’t help but act this way? In essence, was it all one in the same?

It’s clear to me now that they are not the same. One is surrendering to serve someone you trust, who has your best interest at heart. The other is borne out of a belief that you are not enough and struggling to fill a hole inside of yourself.

The difference is clearer to me, although filling that hole is difficult. Maybe it is not a matter of filling the hole but dissolving the belief and changing the premise of being good enough. The one thing that is true is that another – not even a Master – can fill it.

“For some people, anal stimulation will play only a small and very occasional part in their overall sexing. For others, anal stimulation will be a more frequent part of sexual play and practice. Measure the frequency and style of anal stimulation by its efficacy in opening internal energy knots, relaxing the entire body, and moving energy from the pelvic floor up the spine and throughout the whole body. Most importantly, measure anal sex by its capacity to prepare you and your partner to surrender more deeply in love, a love without boundaries.” —David Deida

A few months ago, I asked Master if I could have a regular schedule to use my dildo to stretch my ass. I enjoy anal masturbation but didn’t do it too frequently before being put on permanent restriction. Nevertheless, I always thought it would be good to do it regularly so that I didn’t get tight and have trouble when He was ready for anal sex.

Master contemplated my idea and gave me the assignment to stretch my ass three times/week. At first, that sounded like a lot! That wasn’t the number I had in mind. (I was thinking once/week.) I didn’t really share that part of my reaction with Master. I liked the idea of having this assignment, so I just proceeded. He also instructed me to come up with a way of tracking my progress that He could check periodically.

It took me a few weeks to get into the groove of doing the assignment. I couldn’t decide when the week ended. I was already in the habit of sending Master a weekly report on Fridays. But in the first week or two, I found I hadn’t completed three times by Friday. So, I thought for purposes of ass stretching, the week could end on Sunday. But then I’d struggle to remember when I did it and lose track for a moment of how many times I’d done it that week. I’d shared some ideas on how to track this assignment with Master. Of the ideas, He liked the one that could be stored in a shared folder on the computer so He could check it easily and when He wanted. That idea took me a couple of weeks to implement. Finally, I created a simple spreadsheet that made it all easy to track. The week ends on Friday so it corresponds with my weekly update, and I can give Master an update on all things at the same time.

Given this rigmarole, I missed the mark of attaining my three times for the first few weeks. Now I am in a groove, and the assignment is part of my regular routine.

I find ass stretching very relaxing. You don’t know how tight your ass muscles are until you insert a large object into your anus. When I insert the dildo, I instantly relax. If I do it in the morning, the relaxation can last into the day. If I do it at night, it can help me fall asleep.

I love all the ways that Master and I have sex, but anal sex definitely makes me feel owned. It feels very primal.

Only two other men have tried anal sex with me. One was a man who was eager to have anal sex. As much as I thought I wanted it, too, my body would not let him enter me. The other was a Dom I felt instantly comfortable with. My body opened up for him much more easily than I expected. I really liked that man, so – in perspective – I can see how it was easier for me to open up. This was the only other man that I entertained the idea of being a master to me. Yet, it was the exercise of trying to envision him as my master that made me realize that I was already owned by the one I call Master today.

I gladly do this stretching assignment every week. It is a reminder every time for me to relax into who I am, and it makes it easier for Him to enter me…in more ways than one.

I read this on libby’s blog today, and I decided to answer the questions for myself.

1. I hate it when…He tells me to do something, and I get nervous about doing whatever it is right and end up doing it awkwardly.

2. I fear…ending up alone with no family of my own (husband/children).

3. I need…reassurance. This could apply to lots of things, not just D/s. I guess at some level, I’m always doubting myself, so I look for reassurance outside of myself.

4. I want to meet…Princess Donna of kink.com.

5. I’m hungry for…opportunities to serve Him.

6. I love it when…He commands me to do something.

7. I’m afraid of…other people’s judgment of me (particularly of those close to me).

8. I want to get…a larger dildo for my ass stretching, maybe one that vibrates.

9. I can…have multiple, squirting orgasms (and have started to have them on command).

10. I can’t…(yet) contort myself into the flexible positions that Master and I would like my body to be able to do.

11. I’m nervous to…have sex with multiple people at the same time (say in a party that Master has arranged) but want this fantasy to come true very badly.

12. I’m happy when…I have a task or assignment to work on for Master.

13. I’m sad when…the circumstances of my life don’t look the way I want them to, and it looks hopeless to change.

14. I love watching…videos Master picks for me to watch and sharing my reactions (good and bad) with Him.

15. I love listening to…Master cum, especially when He grabs my hair and He utters the sounds close to my ear.

16. I’m looking forward to…when pain = pleasure.

17. I like waking up to…Master rolling on top of me when I’m asleep and being roused by Him starting to fuck me.

18. I’m glad that…Master and I resumed our sexual relationship two years ago and that we are going down the path to being Master/slave.

19. I’m disappointed that…our relationship took so many turns over the past 15 years. Sometimes it’s hard not to think of that time as wasted time. But all the self-knowledge that I acquired over this 15 years was required before I could go down this path to Master/slave with Him.

20. I wish I could…share openly with people all of the wonderful things about my M/s relationship and all the profound things I’m learning about myself by going down this path to slavery. I wish BDSM wasn’t a taboo subject and that people were more open to the world of possibilities and self-knowledge that walking down this path allows.

When I ask Master for permission to masturbate, it’s a 50/50 chance that He’ll say yes. The only two, possible answers are yes or no.

When He says yes, it comes with a bit of explanation. He might say, “Yes you may, but you can only play with your nipples” or “Yes, but you have to start now and cum within 30 minutes” or “You only have an hour.”

When He says no, it is usually much more succinct. No further explanation is required, really. I’m always struck though how pithy the answer is.

The thing is that no matter what His answer is, I’m happy.

When He says yes, I get excited in anticipation of what I am allowed to do. I get enthusiastic about not only masturbating but in sharing about the experience afterwards in a report to Him. I get giddy that I get to play and savor something that I used to take for granted.

When He says no, I get more turned on than if He had let me masturbate. I get tingly (as if on the verge of orgasm) and feel His control surge through my body. I get curious what He has in store for me next.

I might be disappointed for a moment if I had my heart set on playing, but these feelings quickly subside in favor of feeling His control seep into every cell of my body.

Having Him control my sexuality and having full say over when I cum and when I don’t is a win/win situation for me. I’m a happy, satisfied sub in either case.

It seems a bit fitting to feel so lucky on St. Patrick’s Day. It’s not the luck o’ the Irish, though…it’s how lucky I feel to be owned by my Master.

Today He placed a new collar on me. As He put it, this one is more socially acceptable. It also fits me better since the other one was getting too big from the weight I’ve lost.

It’s beautiful, and I smile when I look at it in the mirror. I also keep wanting to touch it. Touching it is like pressing a button that whispers in my ear, “I’m His.”

It’ll be interesting to see how people react to my new collar. I’m sure people will notice it’s new, and especially in contrast to my previous collar. That collar drew its share of attention for being unusual.

In the days before He collared me, I was nervous that wearing the collar would be like wearing a neon sign on my forehead that said, “I’m a submissive.” Once He collared me, though, I loved the fact that it declared in its prominent yet subtle way that I’m owned. When people would comment on it, I would break out in a deeply satisfying smile. No matter what their reaction was, I reveled in the contentment of being His submissive.

I’m very happy with this new collar, but I will miss the old one. It was a catalyst for being more comfortable with myself in general and was – in a way – permission to let me shine through in ways that I previously thought I needed to hide. People don’t need to know about my submissiveness or my sexual proclivities, but they can see a more confident and content me. I’m sure that will continue to blossom with this new collar.

BDSM comes in a variety of flavors of which M/s is one. And within M/s there is another level of variety. Some relationships center on service; others emphasize pain and bondage. Some Masters don’t mind a bit of sassiness because it adds to the dynamic of them overpowering their slave; others prefer not to wrest control from the one they own.

The characteristic, though, that is consistent in all these relationships is the need for emotional transparency from their slave. This has been a particularly difficult area for me in the past, and an area that has been transforming since my collaring.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that He can only truly own me when I give Him all the information about what’s going on inside me. If He doesn’t know how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking or what I want, then He cannot make decisions that guide me and us in the direction He desires.

One thing that has helped me with this is having to write a weekly report to Him. Initially I asked for this as a way to report to Him on an assignment He’d given me. He didn’t necessarily want me to report on this; He just wanted me to do it. But I knew it would be easier for me if I had the accountability of reporting to Him. So, I started the weekly reports, and then stopped them after a few weeks when I got busy with work. I’m still awaiting punishment for stopping those reports. I resumed them when He told me I had a punishment coming, and I’ve written them every week like clockwork since.

It’s become much more than reporting on an assignment. It’s an exercise of pausing every week to check in with myself and tell Him how I’m doing. Each week, I find myself opening up more and more. Each time I open up, He affirms how safe it is to do so with His responses. Each piece of myself I open up and share is one more step in surrendering all of me to Him.

“You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight.” ~Jim Rohn

I’ve been intending to write a year in review blog…well…since the end of the year. I hadn’t done so because as I looked back on all the changes I’ve made in the past year and how different my life looks now, I wasn’t sure how I could summarize it in a blog post that wasn’t a mile long. Pretty soon, it is not going to be a year in review blog entry, so here it goes…

A year in review you’d think would start with January, but I actually consider that my year started with my collaring a year ago November. In the days before it happened (when the collar was in my possession but not yet locked), I wasn’t sure I was ready. I wanted to be collared so bad, but in those last moments I truly wondered if I could surrender. I wrote to Master an e-mail titled, “break my will” where I thought the only way I could cross to the other side would be to have Him take (what I thought was) the last bit of resistance by force. He did lock the collar (and not by force)…and the journey to break my will began.

The collar not only symbolizes us taking one step closer to His complete ownership over me, but personally I took it as making a commitment to be who I am – to express my authenticity more fully. In the days before He locked it, I truly wondered if I was worthy to wear His collar. I knew there were still so many ways of being that were my way of hiding – and as much as I’ve longed to come out of hiding – that part of me that is ever vigilant about whether it is safe or not often kept me scared enough to let it be a dream and not to act on it.

I saw my collaring as a marker of the beginning of internal changes now manifesting on the outside. For example, at the same time that Master collared me, I told Him I was thinking of re-doing my living room (selling all the old and buying new). He just chuckled at my sudden urge to make changes. I thought it was a leap to correlate the changes, but in hindsight, the urge to have my physical surroundings change makes perfect sense.

I set out to make other physical changes but quickly ran into roadblocks. As is usual for me, I’d step out and encounter something that set off my internal safety alarms. I’d then run back and hide in an attempt to control my world. I look back on the e-mails and some of the journal entries about conversations with Master in the first half of last year, and all of it was an exercise in stepping out in trust. I look back at the individual conversations and see the theme of what was going on inside. I started to reveal to Master what I thought were the ugly parts of me…things that I thought would surely somehow prove I’m not worthy to be His (and even times when I pushed to prove how worthy I was). It was a wall I’d built and chipped away at, but I’d not been doing all the things I needed to do to tear the wall down. I finally figured out that Master wasn’t going to be able to tear down the wall. I had to dismantle it. I had to let Him in.

So, I took even more steps. Once I’d decided that it was all up to me, I took them one by one. I’d been taking tiny steps all along, but these were bigger steps. The initial, big steps were hard. I cried with each one – only because doubt surfaced, and I asked myself if I had it in me to really do this. By July, I’d put all the pieces in place and now it was time to just put one foot in from of the other.

The last half of the year seemed to fly by. Once I had momentum, all the moving parts started to work in harmony. I’ve been taking better care of health; I’m losing weight; my business is flourishing, and I’m finding my sweet spot with work projects that make work less drudgery. I’m being more open and transparent with Master, and – in turn – with others in my life. I’m feeling more comfortable and at peace with myself, and the urge to hide is fading away.

I knew I was opening up – even blossoming – but little did I know how far down the path toward slavery I’d come. This past year I’ve also been on the path to giving up control over my sexuality. It felt like fun games to be on restriction, to only cum in ways He told me to (like when playing with my nipples). I’d have days on restriction and days off restriction. Then one day in October, He told me to “Cum,” and I did – my body responded automatically to His command. It was quite a shock to me at first, and now – months later and having to ask permission for every single orgasm, I feel peace.

Having Master control my sexuality in this way feels like the most natural thing in the world, and I feel more myself now with this and all the other changes in my life than I did a year ago. Within His control, I feel the most free I’ve ever felt.

Just as I’d say my year began with my collaring, I feel like it ends here in mid-February. Two years ago this month, Master reclaimed me as His. We’ve both known through the years that at some level I am His. We’ve had lots of ups and downs over the years, but two years ago we both decided to dive in again. Little did I know two years ago that I’d be where I am now.

This year has been pretty incredible, and yet – I feel the best is yet to come.

As I said in my last blog entry, I have not been in charge of my own orgasms since last October…and I couldn’t be happier!

Shortly after Master put me on restriction in October, I came on command for Him. That took some emotional adjustment. I didn’t expect my response to be so automatic (I felt like my brain had been bypassed!). What was most interesting to me was that instead of grabbing for control, I didn’t want control at all. Master took me off restriction, but I begged to be put back on….and that is how it has been since.

Before this kind of restriction, I masturbated pretty frequently. Master would sometimes ask me how often I masturbated, and I couldn’t cite a number. “Whenever I feel like it,” was my answer. I hazard to guess it was at least 3-4 times/week (sometimes more/sometimes less). While I would have more elaborate play sessions, my regular masturbation usually took the form of using the vibrator right before bed and falling asleep.

I used to play a lot with my nipples, too. I’ve had my nipple rings for 14 years now. When naked, I used to love to take the rings and twirl and twist them. Master would often catch me touching them when I didn’t even realize I was; it was just so natural to touch and play with them. Now, nipple play is on restriction, too. I honestly can’t remember if that happened at the same time as being put on masturbation restriction or if that was in place earlier than that. I smile because not playing with them just seems so natural now that it feels like it has been this way forever.

I have to ask permission to masturbate, so it requires some forethought to be sure I ask Master with time enough for Him to respond. Interestingly enough, I don’t ask to masturbate often. Certainly, I ask a lot less than one would think given how I masturbated before this.

I find not playing with myself and only doing so when I have permission feels like the most natural thing in the world. It doesn’t take willpower to restrain myself; I just follow direction.

My orgasms are fewer and farther between, but my libido is strong – and probably even stronger than before. I’ve gone through streaks of not masturbating or not having sex before. During those times, it can come to a point where you just feel dormant, and your desire is hidden away. This is not the case at all here. I feel sexy, and I feel a lot of energy. Sometimes people even comment that I’m glowing. I just smile because there are many things going well in my life right now, but if I had to name of the source of this glow, it would be being under His control.

All of this makes the times I do masturbate and play with my nipples – and have sex with Master – that much sweeter. When I touch my clit now, it is usually sensitive and already hard just as soon as I hear I have permission. Being on restriction makes it so I’m simmering, and all it takes is a command to bring me to a boil.

I have not had control of my orgasms since last October. It started during a time when we were both away on separate trips with a simple “No orgasms until I see you next” instruction from Master. I’d been on restriction before, and I enjoy it. Little did I know it would be the beginning of the end of me controlling any of my orgasms.

In general, when we think about someone controlling someone’s else life, we usually think of a person explicitly telling another what to do…and to submit to another is to follow their direction. My experience of having all of my orgasms controlled is different than that.

I have to ask Master for permission for every orgasm (masturbation or during sex) – that is the single directive He has given me. Yet, now I find myself seeking His permission in other areas of my life.

For instance, I had an opportunity to travel to see a friend for a weekend. Previously, taking a trip like this would be a matter of telling Master, “I’ll be out of town” or “I’m going to see my friend”…announcing my decision. Yet, I had this urge to ask Him permission to go. I sat with it for a while thinking if I should or not. He’s not requiring me to ask permission to travel; He hasn’t even expressed interest in controlling things like this. Nevertheless – in that moment – I felt like I couldn’t make this decision on my own.

I wrote to Him:

“I have to admit that before saying yes to this trip, I feel I need to consult with you – to ask permission. The urge to do so feels very natural, and the thought of asking permission to travel is not only comforting but arousing (in the sense of feeling your control). I do hesitate with this feeling, though – not because I’m struggling with asking for permission - but because I’m not sure if asking you for permission for things like this is pestering you in areas you don’t want to have input on.”

His response was essentially that we are entering new territory, and we need to sort out over time the things that require His input and the things that don’t. He encouraged me to ask when I feel the urge and that we’ll sort out the details. Master is not one to micromanage; and – as much as I crave His control – I’m not really a person that likes micromanagement! He will pick and choose the things that require His input and the things that don’t. In essence, He controls even when He decides the things He doesn’t care to control.

Still, it’s not about Him directing my actions or controlling my decisions. By controlling a very fundamental aspect of my being – my sexuality – I am naturally relinquishing and seeking His control in other aspects of my life.