Is it safe to blog when cum drunk?

He undressed in front of me. I sat on the couch fully clothed. I wonder in moments like this if I should eagerly jump off and strip, too…or wait for His direction.

I waited for His direction. He stroked his cock in front of me.

“You’re making my pussy wet,” I state.

“It doesn’t take much to make your pussy wet,” He replies.

True.

He stands in front of me, and I start sucking. I love the feel of His cock on the back of my throat. I relax my jaw as He pumps and fucks my mouth.

He tells me to strip and points me toward the bedroom.

As soon as He enters me, my body tingles. It’s hard to describe the feeling of completeness I have when He’s inside me.

I ask to cum pretty quickly. He says no and, ” what about foreplay?” Yes, I want to linger and not cum so quickly but I also feel the orgasm welling up inside me; I don’t want to mistakenly cum without permission.

He teases and sucks and slaps my nipples and breasts. He bites soft and harder. I’m lingering on that edge, and with each breath to help hold myself back the intensity builds.

“Do you want to cum?”

“yes”

“You may cum.”

The first one starts, and the wonderful, luscious roller coaster begins.

He suck my nipples…”May I cum?” Yes…

He fucks my pussy fast and hard…”May I cum?” Yes…

He rests His cock in my pussy while biting me….”May I cum?” Yes…

At one point instead of asking, I declared, “I’m going to cum.” He didn’t acknowledge me with a yes, so I rephrased, “May I cum?” Yes…

He moves around the bed and puts His balls in my face. I lick and suck while He fingers my clit, then fingers my pussy. I asked to cum, and did so both times including squirting over His hand.

He rolled over, and I licked his nipples. He pulled my hair tightly as He was about to cum himself. “Swallow my cum,” He says and I move my mouth onto His cock just as He cums in mouth.

My body just buzzed afterwards…and I am still glowing hours later.

“You asked every time,” He said afterwards with a pleased tone of satisfaction.

As He walked out the door, I thanked Him for all the orgasms. He suggested that might have to last me as my freedom to masturbate freely (which I’ve had for several weeks now) may be coming to an end.

I caress my body and slowly tease my nipples as I smile both in deep satisfaction and in joyful anticipation of His next command.

I took a trip at the end of June, and Master told me to expect an assignment while I was away. Here’s my report to Him on fulfilling the assignment.

Since I didn’t get my assignment on Friday night, I knew it would come Saturday. You knew my schedule for the day, but I wasn’t sure how you’d use that information in the timing of my assignment.

When I arrived at my friend’s party, I had to go to the bathroom. While in there, I wondered if I had to come in here to fulfill any assignment how that might work out. When someone tried to open the door as soon as I sat down on the toilet, I knew the bathroom was going to be busy during this party. That could either help or hinder my assignment…if it came during the party.

I checked my phone a few times during the party. I didn’t think I’d hear the text message sound. If there was a time limit on my assignment, I didn’t want it dwindling away and making it more challenging to fulfill because I didn’t check.

I got your text message just as I was leaving the party. I smiled and felt myself get all excited as I read it. Since I was just getting on the road, I knew it would be at least 45 minutes before I could complete it.

As I drove, I was trying to figure out how to do this. The friends I was staying with were gone for the day. They said they’d been home between 3-5 pm. It was just 3 pm when I got the assignment. So, if they were home when I got home, do I just go into the bathroom? Or do I just say I need to take a nap? Since life it so hectic and their house (especially if they’d just gotten home), I half-wondered if I should stop at a gas station bathroom on the way home and complete it! But I didn’t entertain that thought for very long…

When I got to their house, no one was home. They are having the outside of her house painted, though, and the painters were here.

I went in and came into the bedroom and stripped. It was very hot here yesterday, so stripping would have been first on the agenda in any case. I knew they could be home at any minute, and the likelihood of their son bursting into his room (which he’d given up to me for my stay) upon their arrival was high. So I set up a blanket to cover myself quickly, if needed.

I then relaxed and started playing with my nipples. It felt so good! Even though I am not on restriction right now, playing with my nipples always feels like a treat.

I was trying to decide what fantasy inspiration I would use here. The thought of You watching me while I cum for you usually works. The fact that I might be walked in on at any minute added to my excitement. But it was this painter working just a few feet from the open bedroom window that got me pretty wet.

I don’t think I’ve shared my general fantasies of delivery men or other household workers (painters would qualify) with you…that these men show up at the house, and I answer the door scantily clad, and I flirt and tease and subtly encourage them they can have me if they want me.

So, hearing him working outside the window got me pretty aroused. I then started fantasizing that you and I were playing on my couch. My doorbell rings. He says it is UPS, and he needs a signature. You get up and throw on your pants, but you tell me to lay exactly where I am with my legs open. You open the door and a handsome, muscular UPS guy hands you the package and asks for your signature. He’s just staring at me while you sign, and I’m blushing but not closing my legs because you told me not to. You see him staring at me and invite him in. I didn’t get much further than before I came!!

I laid there for a few moments naked when the doorbell rang. I wasn’t sure if was the painter wanting to use the bathroom or something. I got up and quickly dressed. They rang the doorbell again as I was dressing. Turned out it was more friends whom they were expecting (she’d told me they were coming, but didn’t say when). They’d talked to our mutual friends and said they should be there at any moment. I welcomed them in while thinking, “Wow…just in the nick of time!”

I enjoyed my afternoon orgasm so much that it spilled over a bit when I was ready for bed. I came again right before I texted you last night thinking of You standing over me telling me to cum.

Thank you for my assignment, Master! I always enjoying cumming for You.

I’m on restriction still. I can’t play with my nipples or masturbate to orgasm.

After I wrote my last post, I was quite worked up and asked Master if I could masturbate. He replied,

“I like it when you’re horny. As someone said on The Upper Floor, ‘Let the bitch stew!’

No masturbation today…no orgasms today.”

As usual, this caused me to both stick out my pouty lip and get even more horny!

Well, leave it to a sub to find a loophole. I’m now fascinated with bringing myself to the brink of orgasm without touching myself. I proceeded to work myself up to the verge of two orgasms that afternoon. I told Master of my mischievousness, but then got nervous that perhaps I’d crossed the no masturbation line. He said I’d indeed found the loophole, and that because I didn’t touch myself or have an orgasm I was fine.

When Master and I talked on Monday, we realized I’d gone 10 days. He suggested that the restriction might continue well into next week, and I panicked slightly. He warned me not to beg. It was a luscious mix of sexual frustration and excitement at the thought He might torture me in this way for a while.

He called back later that night and said I could play with my nipples only to orgasm. He didn’t put any restrictions on the number of orgasms, just that I could only play with my nipples (and He was explicit that I couldn’t touch my pussy or play with my dildo in my ass…which is another loophole I thought of invoking until He beat me to the punch with a no).

I came within 15 minutes of playing with my nipples. It wasn’t a race to see how fast I could cum but just an indication of how primed I already was! It felt really good and pretty intense. I waited until I was ready for bed, so the one orgasm was quite satisfying and I didn’t try for more. I slept very well that night.

The next morning when I reported back to Master, he said I was back on restriction until further notice.

These past few days with work have suppressed my libido for now, so the sexual frustration is minimal at the moment. Even in these moments when I’m not totally worked up, I love just the thought that He is in control of my pleasure.

My pussy tingles with every question: How long will this last? Will He allow me an orgasm here and there? When will He give permission next? What will His instructions be? Every thought produces the same feeling as if He was in the room caressing my body, licking my nipples, pulling on my nipple rings or fingering my pussy.

Last week, I mentioned how re-watching a video about humiliation made me cum without touching myself.

I have cum without touching myself before. I remember the first time it happened…

I was in my early 20′s. I was at work on a weekend (or after hours, I’m not sure which). That was back when the Web wasn’t even a sparkle in Tim Berners-Lee’s eyes. Home internet access wasn’t the norm, so I was reading Usenet newsgroups after finishing my work.

I started reading an erotic stories newsgroup. The stories were getting me all hot and bothered. I was by myself, but I didn’t think I should touch myself right there in the office. I could feel the excitement building. I squeezed my legs together tight, and then the tingles washed over me. I couldn’t believe it. I’d just had an orgasm!

I also know that I’ve had orgasms before in my sleep - just from dreams and not from touching myself while asleep. So, while I’ve known having orgasms without touching myself was possible, I haven’t given much thought or credence to my ability to do so…that was until I had them again watching this Public Disgrace video Master shared.

When I came twice without touching myself watching this video for the first time, it made me start to wonder about my ability to do this on a regular basis. There are times since with Master where I could feel the orgasm starting to well up inside me without direct stimulation of my pussy. I would ask Him for permission to cum but then feel the urge subside. I didn’t want to cum without permission, but then performance anxiety would take over once I announced it.

Then last week two things happened: I came without touching myself while re-watching the video and then (separately) Master came over and we teased and played with each other without cumming. (He, of course, was directing the action, but we had a fun time just arousing each other.)

When He left after our teasing each other, He said I could masturbate to one good orgasm and then He put me on nipple and masturbation restriction until further notice. The teasing was going to continue remotely.

I had my one orgasm then went five days without nipple play or masturbating. On the sixth day I was really horny, and I started thinking there might be a loophole in my restriction. He didn’t want me to play with my nipples or masturbate, but what if I came without playing with myself?

While I had discovered this loophole, I knew I needed to ask before proceeding. I sent Master an e-mail asking permission to cum without touching myself, but he’d already gone to bed so I knew permission wouldn’t happen that night.

Still, I wondered how far I could arouse myself. So, I looked at some videos and read some online stories. I got myself very worked up. I started to feel the orgasm welling up inside me, and I knew I needed to stop and not cum without permission. I wasn’t quite sure how to stop myself at that point; I was a hair’s breath from going over the edge.

I know guys sometimes think about sports when they want to distract themselves. So, I thought “baseball.” I’m not really into baseball, so all I could think about was the word baseball. I repeated it a couple of times and felt my body retreat from the impending orgasm. It was the weirdest sensation. I felt the tingles start to come over my body (in particular my legs) but they stopped short of enveloping me and sending me over the edge. I had to lie perfectly still for a couple of minutes. I know if I had made even the slightest move, I would have had an orgasm. My pussy felt like it was on fire. I couldn’t believe I’d brought myself that close to the edge without touching myself.

The next morning Master responded to my request. He said if I was that horny then I should cum without touching myself and report back on my experience.

I was glad I didn’t cum the night before (actually more proud that I stopped myself so close to the edge), and I looked forward to doing it again that night.

It took me about an hour to work myself up. I watched various videos and read stories. All were arousing, but what sent me over the edge was watching a video where a woman had clothespins on her pussy lips and she was being playfully tortured by two other women. I came pretty quickly after starting that video. It was quite late at this point, so I wrote a quick thank you to Master for my orgasm with a report to follow.

I’m struck that my recent ability to orgasm without direct stimulation seems easiest when I’m watching videos about humiliation. It adds to my own intrigue about what I don’t know about myself (and my body) yet and what is truly possible.

“There are many things on my agenda today. First, go sit on the bed,” He says.

I go into the bedroom and sit on the bed. He enters the room with a bag, sets it down and starts to open it while he declares. “Today is punishment day.”

My pussy immediately tingles. Punishing a masochist with pain is an interesting paradox.

He blindfolds me, and then tells me to lay face down on the bed with my hands just at the edge of the bed. I hear him jingling items around until he walks to my hands and starts to cuff them. He also places a bar in between the cuffs.

The tail of the blindfold has fallen over my mouth. With my head close to the bed, I start to have a bit of trouble breathing. He asks me if I can breathe, but I manage to move the blindfold away from my mouth with a few strategic open and closings of my mouth.

He spreads my legs. He lubes my ass and works an object into it. Many things can remind me that I’m owned, but having Him play with or fuck my ass is near – if not at the top – of the list. In order to let Him in fully, I have to let go. Relaxing my sphincter puts my whole body into a very receptive state.

He caresses my body while He tells me a bit of His thinking. He was trying to decide how many lashes: 25 seemed like too few and 100 seemed a bit much. He suggests the number will be something in between…and tells me that I don’t have to keep count because He predicts I’ll be too overwhelmed to do so.

The first lashes start. I want to keep count, but lose my place after about 4. I know it is important to keep my legs spread, and I feel grateful for the bar between my arms to help me keep them in place. I’m writhing, and the lashes are painful. Then one hits right at the small of my back and top of my buttocks. It’s the one that sends me over the edge to crying.

He alternates between what feels like a flogger and what feels like a cane (although I’m not sure exactly what instruments He’s using). The stings on top of the tender skin from the flogger feels almost unbearable. I grab the bedding with my fists and mouth, trying to diffuse the pain. When I let the bedding out of my mouth and gasp for breath, I feel the drool running out of my mouth.

He tells me to turn over, and helps me maneuver the spreader bar to do so. I keep my legs open although I fear that my pussy is next. Instead, He starts swatting my nipples. I don’t have time to warn Him that something is wrong with my left nipple. He hits it and I scream while starting to curl up into a ball. He commands, “Keep your legs open!” In between sobs and trying to catch my breath, I say that I have to tell Him something. It’s hard to put together the words, but I manage to spit out that the left one has a small tear or something near the nipple ring. I’ve been soaking it in salt water, but it is not healed yet. He works around it with subsequent lashes, although he does end up hitting it again. These are the only two times I move my hands and legs from their assigned positions.

Before I know it, He is lashing my pussy. He’s using the cane-like device, and the pain is intense. He comments that I like it, and I do in way that I’m still trying to comprehend.

As He finishes, he asks, “The next time…will you talk instead of reacting?”

I say yes but it kind of eeks out and doesn’t match my conviction, so I repeat louder, “Yes.”

He has me sit up. I hear rustling. He then comes up behind me on the bed, and pulls my hair to the side. I feel the collar around my neck and take a deep breath. I take several more as he works to lock it. I feel His hand brush my hair lightly in circular motions as he turns the wrench. I couldn’t be happier.

I looked in the mirror as I was cleaning myself up after sex. I just smiled. I’ve often told Master that when I look in the mirror, the person I see isn’t how I see myself in my mind. Wearing His collar starts to change that. I look and feel more of who I am when wearing it.

Sitting on the couch in the living room afterwards, I asked, “Did you count?”

“Yes,” He replied.

“How many?”

“115″

My mind has been going all sorts of places lately. I’ve been trying to concentrate on a work project that’s due, but it has been hard to keep focused. Besides wandering to regular life stuff, I find myself having flashes….sexual flashes if you will. I wouldn’t call them full blown fantasies. More like my mind trying to pull in a different direction…

I’ll be working on the couch when flashes enter my head of Master lifting my legs to fold me in half and fuck me. I don’t let my mind go there since I’m trying to concentrate on work, but then it will happen again…and again.

I have been horny the past few days but just masturbating isn’t satisfying. I find myself craving pain.

I wanted to masturbate with my dildo in my ass. Since I regularly do this, I don’t experience a lot of pain now but if it’s been a while, it can take a few, painful moments to relax. It has been a while, so I knew it would provide a few moments of luscious pain when I inserted the dildo. I imagined Master entering me with very little prep, gasping as he grabbed me hard and pulled me toward him.

With the dildo in my ass, I stuck my g-spot toy in my pussy and started playing with my nipples. Master is training me to come from nipple stimulation, and so it doesn’t take me long to cum once I start touching my nips. It felt good, but I wanted more pain.

I took out the clothespins. It seemed a little strange to put them on myself, so I hesitated…but not for long. When Master puts the clothespins on me, he does so rather quickly and the pain is very intense. I wasn’t sure I could do that to myself, so I eased into it a bit by not placing the clothespin directly on my nipple. That pain was not very intense. So, I took a deep breath and placed it on my nipple…and then placed a second one on the other nipple.

As happens with Master, the initial pain is intense! My breathing gets shallow and instincts kick in to take them off and stop the pain. When He’s in control, it’s a little easier to give into the pain, although I admit when it gets really intense I’m more hanging on until it ends than enjoying it.

I could have easily taken off the clothespins and stopped the pain on my terms, but I asked myself, “What if I gave into the pain? What if I surrendered to it rather than endured it?” I took a deep breath and let the sensations sink into my body.

I was pleasantly surprised how the sensations came in waves. After the initial intensity, I didn’t feel any pain as the endorphins started to kick in. Then I’d move a little bit and pain would shoot through my body. Even when I would lie still, though, the pain would subside and then rise again and then subside. The mix of pleasure and pain emerged in a new way. I felt myself going deeper and enjoying it more.

I played with the clothespins again today. I put them on and left them on for a little bit. I even flicked my nipples while they were on as I played with my pussy. When I removed the clothespins, an orgasm welled up from inside me and I squirted a lot! That felt sooo good, I did it again…and had yet another orgasm when removing the clothespin.

In some ways, it feels like I’ve been “battling” pain most of my life…how to avoid it, how to contain it when I feel it, how to soothe it, striving to figure out ways to make it stop. Different strategies work at different times, but I’m realizing that I’ve mostly learned to endure it. Enduring it is better than giving into it because my fear is that if I succumb, it will somehow destroy me.

What if I didn’t endure but surrendered? physically? emotionally? spiritually? What if I let the sensations and feelings sink in take their natural course rather than trying to control?

For Christmas, one of the presents I gave Master was a set of keys to my apartment.

When the idea first came to me, I was thinking more about the convenience of him getting into my building without having to call. It’s a tedious but inevitable part of apartment life. It’s not that big of a deal I guess, but it did start to feel odd to have him call to be let in. In fact, the idea seemed a bit overdue the more I thought about it.

As the idea percolated, the symbolic started to seem more important than the practical. For as much as I’ve revealed of myself to Master, there are still ways I hide. It’s easy enough to retreat when one lives alone. He knows the ways I can hide, so it’s not a very good secret. Yet, I started to think about how I would be if I knew he could drop in whenever he wanted.

For as much as I want to be His slave, I’ve struggled with surrender. It’s easier for me to submit to him sexually – restraining me, whipping me and all the other ways he controls my pleasure. It’s much harder to let down and let go of the emotional walls and just be me in any given moment. Not that I’m not me with him…but there are still so many ways I try to control my emotional response. As ineffective as I know those ways are, I cling to the control.

Master said he’d come by today. I wanted to shower before he came but didn’t rush to do so. Just as I thought I should get into the shower, I heard the keys in my front door. I was naked, but I usually am when Master comes to visit. I’ve been sick, and I have a lingering cough. I’d rubbed Vicks VapoRub on my feet and chest to help alleviate it, and I was wearing socks because of the ointment. So here I am in nothing but socks, smelling of Vicks and needing a shower. It was a more “relaxed me” than I usually let him see…and I just chuckled. Master seeing me the way he did today wasn’t a hard, emotional wall to break down but it was a layer of vulnerability I’d normally guard.

I like that I didn’t know when he was coming. I like that he can now drop in on me anytime he wants. I like that my opportunity to withdraw and hide is diminished.

Ultimately, it is up to me to unlock the doors Master encounters. Giving Master the keys to my apartment is not a magical answer but it is one step toward surrendering the keys that protect my soul.

Before Master locked His collar on me, I had it in my possession. Over the course of a couple of weeks, I progressed from wearing it around the house, to wearing it for a few hours out during the day to wearing it full time (unlocked). I had to report on my experiences. This was my last report. He collared me the next night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During a bodywork session today, the therapist noticed my collar. He looked up close and touched it. I smiled. And that was it. He didn’t ask about it, and he didn’t say anything.

I have to admit that made me mad. Not at him. I was mad I was going to have to report to you that “nothing happened.” It proves the points you’ve been making that I’m more worried about what people will think than what they will actually think. And even though I agree with your points, something in me wants to prove my points – to justify my fears and all the feelings that go along with them.

I can feel anger welling up inside me…and I’m trying very hard not to direct it at you. I felt it on Saturday when I shared my fears about my family. I was mad at your curt (although very Domly) responses.

When I read your “OK” response, I was seething. Did you just not want to deal with me and these feelings? Were you dismissing them? I know you don’t do that, but that wasn’t stopping these irrational thoughts from picking up speed.

I was wearing the collar. I’d worn it at home all day. And I ripped it off when I read your “OK” response. It was almost midnight. I knew my assignment to wear it non-stop would start on Sunday. But in that moment I wanted control. I wanted you to respond a certain way. I wanted to be right. I wanted things my way.

I left the collar off for about an hour. I put it on when I went to bed. I was fighting with myself – both wanting to be angry and to let it go. But I’d already decided I was going to carry out my assignment as directed and – by God – I was going to wear the collar no matter what! I was NOT going to push a panic button on my first day of wearing the collar full-time.

After getting through Sunday and writing my report, I did feel better. My anger seemed to subside, and I was hoping it was momentary. Then when you wrote back that the report was humorous (and serious), I thought, “I wasn’t trying to be funny!” I felt the anger swell again. And it swelled more with each e-mail message you sent last night.

I sat here last night and wanted to rip this collar off. I didn’t want to give you a single ounce of control at that point!

I didn’t rip it off, but my will was not letting up. I was going to keep control by not giving you the satisfaction of taking it off! (and now I’m laughing at myself while I write this…)

In the shower on Tuesday morning as I’m washing around my collar, I admit I’m panicking. I’m not taking off the collar but I’m panicking. I wonder if I’ll ever be ready for you to lock it. I’m wearing it right now with the instructions to not take it off, but the truth is I still have the power to take it off. I can make the decision to take control back. Even though I might suffer some consequences, I still have the choice. I still have my own will.

I’ve tried not to fantasize too much you locking the collar on me but – in a word – I’ve imagined it to be “sweet.” You’d lock the collar with some nice fanfare, and I’d happily submit to this next step of our journey together.

With the water running over me, I noticed I was just standing there staring at the shower floor. I’d been in a trance. I was fantasizing about you taking me by the hair, pushing me to my knees, exposing my neck to you and with your strong hands grabbing my throat and locking your control around my neck. I imagined that I was crying and telling you I wasn’t ready yet…that I needed more time to get used to the idea. Without words, you did not indulge my fears. You just took me forcefully and locked the collar.

I indulged this fantasy while driving home Tuesday night. After locking the collar I collapse and just bawl. You let me cry but you don’t leave me alone. You spread my legs and start fucking me. You comment on how wet I am for someone who said she wasn’t ready to be collared. You fuck me; you bite me; you spank me. In between sobs I’m saying no, but I cum over and over again and my resistance wears down. You fuck my mouth; you fuck my ass. You cum inside me and on me. You mark me as your own.

When you’re done, you let me lay in your arms. I’m not crying…I’m not fighting. I know my will is no longer my own. I’m Yours.

…

There is that part of me that wants to hold on to every bit of freedom I have and is not going to let it go easily – if at all if you leave it up to me to let it go.

I want to be taken. I want to be claimed. I want to feel your power over me. You don’t want to rule by force (and I don’t want to be ruled by force), but I want to feel your power over every cell in my body and know my will is Your Will.

I’m working on stretching my anus so Master can easily fuck my ass.

He’d mentioned having me stretch myself a while ago. I interpreted what he said as “someday.” When he mentioned it again two weeks ago, there was something about the tone of His voice that I realized it wasn’t some future thing…but now. So, I started that night. I used my g-spot toy, which was great. It has two “bulbs” on the end, making for nice anal massage.

I then got a little eager and used my dildo the next day. I got it in and all seemed well. I thought I was ready for Master. I must have gotten a tear, though, because when Master tried it just hurt. At Master’s suggestion, I let it heal for a few days. Now I am back to stretching.

I’m really enjoying giving myself anal massage. I’m actually surprised I have not discovered this sooner! It is so very relaxing. I know my goal is to stretch for Master, but giving myself a nightly anal massage along with masturbating just seems like a fine routine.

…

I start out by lubing my g-spot toy. I lay on my side and bring one knee up. The cool lube feels like it is melting as it touches my warm skin. I guide the end to my anus. I run the bulb end over it to coax myself to relax. I push gently but firmly, and I feel my body allow this object in. I pause…not because it hurts but to savor the opening feeling.

I start moving my toy in and out, a little deeper each time. When I sense I’ve inserted to the widest part of my toy I pause again, savoring the open feeling more. I allow myself to explore and feel all the different sensations. Short thrusts…long ones…fast…slow. My pussy gets more and more wet but I concentrate solely on my ass.

I imagine Master spooning with me and his cock moving in and out of me. I smile as I think how relaxing this is and laugh a little at the idea of Master telling me to “go massage your ass” in moments when I’m totally worked up and need to relax.

My body enjoys each sensation, and my mind wanders to all the ways Master can use my ass.

I slowly pull the toy all the way out and go to the sink to wash it and wipe up a bit. I come back to the bed, spread my legs and insert the toy into my very wet pussy. Hitting my g-spot with these rhythmic thrusts is so deeply satisfying. The first orgasm wells up inside me. The feeling like you’re going to pee (as people describe) is definitely true. It also feels very out of control to let go and ejaculate (which is why I suspect most women hold on and don’t allow themselves to go there). The warm cum flowing up and out of my body and then dripping down my pussy and onto the towel in between me and the sheets gets me more aroused. The orgasms and the cum just keep flowing. I could probably keep going and going. When I feel mostly satisfied, I rub my clit for a nice finale.

I curl up with my pillow to start drifting off to sleep…but something feels like it is missing. I start thinking how suckling Master’s cock would be the perfect way to fall asleep. Without him here, I pull out my dildo and put it in my mouth. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out as my lips curl around it and my eyes close. My tongue follows the ridge of the head and the saliva seeps from my from lips and makes suckling it easier. I push it in as far as it will go (seeing if I can go further each time) and then pull it out to the tip to suckle some more. I don’t even notice as my movements slow. My awareness returns briefly as the dildo feels heavy in my hand. I allow my jaw to drop a little to release it from my mouth. I move my hand to the edge of the bed and let the dildo drop to the floor. I pull my hand back under the covers and drift to sleep.

…

Preparing myself so I am ready for Him – whether it is stretching my ass, surrendering to the capabilities of my body like being able to ejaculate, practicing with a dildo so I can take his cock deeper into my throat or suckling a dildo to pacify myself when he’s not here – is  fun and satisfying. But my greater joy is having my mind, body and soul ready, willing and able to serve at His pleasure.

Last Saturday I learned the wonderful capabilities of my body and experienced female ejaculation and multiple orgasms for the first time. I’ve been sharing with Master all week in much detail as I learned more about my body through my (somewhat obsessive) exploration with my dildo. I couldn’t wait for Master to come and experience all of this with me (pun intended).

“I’m on my way…I’m trying to decide what to do with you first,” He says on the phone. My body tingles knowing my wait to see him is ending. I also love that he is plotting and planning and that my job is to surrender.

I showed Master my newfound skills. I was a bit worried about performance anxiety and if I’d be able to replicate cumming with an audience. That worry was quite unfounded. Having Master watch me masturbate is highly arousing. He massaged around my vulva as I masturbated with this wonderful g-spot tool. I loved how his strong touch enhanced the deep pleasures welling up from inside me.

I don’t even know how long we spent having sex. Time suspended. We did so many things…he fucked my sopping wet pussy after I came masturbating for Him…I licked his ass and fucked it with my tongue…he tried to fuck my ass (more on that later)…he blindfolded me…he whipped me with something new (he wouldn’t tell me what it was) and I loved it…he fucked my pussy with my g-spot tool and watched the cum come out of me like a waterfall…he pulled on one of my nipples while doing this and I came (with cum) instantly, which pleased me no end…he then put his cock in my pussy and I ejaculated with him inside me (which pleasantly surprised him)….I licked his nipples and He came…I asked to lick his balls and reveled in savoring them…while down there I explored his ass with my tongue again…I licked his nipples one more time…He came again…and I lapped up every last drop of cum before resting in his arms.

We spent the rest of the day together, and I enjoyed spending so much uninterrupted time with him. In fact, I didn’t even realize how late it was when he finally got up to leave.

He called me on his way home, which was wonderful since I didn’t really want our day to end. He gave me an assignment to work on stretching my ass with my dildo over the next two weeks, which I will eagerly do. We then talked and talked until he got home. I love how we still have so much we’re learning about each other.

I slept soundly and deeply…the best I’ve slept in a while actually. I woke gradually this morning. I feel very content, but I also have an empty feeling.

I hate this feeling after he leaves. In the past, it has triggered other feelings related to times as a child when I felt left alone. Before when I didn’t recognize that I was being triggered, I’d focus on whatever I felt was not perfect about our relationship and we’d deal with that for however many days. I look back and I lament how the old marred the new…and how confusing it must have been for Master to have a great time with me and then have me be so sad or mad or upset afterwards.

Since joining FetLife, I’ve realized there is a term for this: subdrop. I didn’t realize that most (if not all) subs experience this. From my reading I know it can vary in degrees. I’d say today is a mild case of subdrop. Still I’d rather do without it!

When I start to feel the emptiness, I close my eyes and caress my body. I lightly touch my nipples and tug on the rings. I imagine Master is watching me or guiding me and asking me to soothe myself since he’s not here. I think about suckling his cock. He and I have joked that it is my “pacifier.” I take my dildo and suckle it. Surprisingly, it does help.

I’ve always struggled with my needs…that I am somehow bad for having them. It’s taken me a lot to untangle those messages…and it’s in times like these when I can be with the feelings rather than succumbing to them that I realize how far I’ve come.

I know He is not going away. I feel that comfort more and more each day. I also feel Him weaving more and more into the fiber of my being. In that sense, I feel myself going through a metamorphosis. I will not just one day suddenly be His slave…I am becoming His slave.