It’s 9 am, and for the first time in a while I don’t have an early morning meeting. So, it is a little bit of a lazy morning here in bed.

I wake up with a low grade anxiety (although I’m sleeping OK). Master feels far away right now, even though he’s not really. We played Word with Friends this morning and exchanged a quick message about a game that just finished. He’s here, in my life and has never gone away, despite the times I push him away.

My eyes well up with tears…every time we’ve expressed that we’ve been on the verge of ending our relationship (i.e. no contact – I’m done), it’s been because I pushed. I expressed that my needs weren’t being met, and he gets to the point where he says what else can he do. My biggest fear is that he’ll go away and I push him to that point and he thinks about it but never does.

This is what happens…I explode and then I get to this point…where I feel incredibly guilty…guilty for all I put him through (or anyone through, really). I just want to curl up in his arms and say, “I’m sorry.” If only sorry were the magic word to make all this fear go away.

I just read kaya’s latest blog entry. She mentioned that her Master is traveling, and they are not in contact very often at the moment. When they do talk, he sounds displeased. She talked about her usual reaction to his displeasure (which goes to almost non-functioning), and how he needs her to function, especially while he is away. She ended the passage, “Who wants to own a bitch, right?” Yes, who wants to own a bitch.

All he’s ever asked of me, really, is to take care of myself. To treat myself with the respect and care that I want for myself. To offer Him the best of me. And I twist that around in my head to mean he doesn’t care, he doesn’t want me, that I am no good, that I am not worthy, that I am less than <insert some external measurement>.

He gives me so much, and it goes into a sinkhole…and I ask for more: more attention, more dominance, more reassurance. Pretty demanding for a submissive…

Today I was thinking about how people looking at BDSM from the outside often have trouble distinguishing why this is different from abuse or may be horrified at women or men subjugating themselves to another like we do. Actually, it is just not those outside the lifestyle; people opening up this part of themselves for the first time are often battling their desires with cultural norms and trying to define the difference for themselves.

I, too, have struggled with this concept. More so when I first claimed my submissiveness, although the feeling has cropped up at points over the years as I continue to peel the layers of self-knowledge.

As I was driving today, I realized it could not be more crystal clear that this thing we do (TTWD) is not even close to abuse or being treated less than another.

This weekend, Master and I had a deep, emotional conversation – one in which He was holding up the mirror to some of my behaviors and helping me sort out complicated feelings I was having. He was blunt and honest with me in a way I think most people avoid (even when they’re close). At the end of it, He asked me if He was too tough – trying to gauge my reaction and not wanting to push me over some edge. I assured Him he was not too tough, although I’m sure that was difficult to discern through my tears.

As I reflected on that conversation today, I realized there was no way I could be “less than” in this relationship. If anything, being in this relationship demands that I express myself fully. I can’t be “less than” with Him. Well, I could but our relationship would hit some ceiling that would eventually prove dissatisfactory for one or both of us.

This is not a one-way street. I think that being your full self is expected of Him, too – and any Dominant/Master and submissive/slave. Yes, the power structure puts the decision-making into one person’s hands but that in no way suggests that the other is “less” because of it. If anything, the only way this kind of power structure works is if both people open themselves up and be all that they are meant to be.

There was a time when I equated being vulnerable with being hurt. When I’d make myself vulnerable, I’d almost immediately panic and start anticipating or seeing hurt around me. I’m now starting to equate vulnerability with safety, comfort and love. There may be pain as the old beliefs break up and fall apart, but there is no fear because I know who has my back (and my front and my top and my bottom …the person who owns all of me).

This is an e-mail I sent to Master sharing with him my internal struggles about cumming on command…

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I shared that I had a tough time last weekend, and you asked me why it was so tough. It’s hard for me to pinpoint. I know that during the weekend my attitude was, “Fuck it!” and I just proceeded to do what I thought I wanted. Of course, I didn’t feel good at the end.

It seems cliche to say I was grabbing for control (although eating disorders have a lot to do with that). I have felt lost since cumming on command. Actually, I’ve felt schizophrenic. On one hand, I am calm and fine; on the other, I am panicking. At any one moment, I can be feeling one or the other. I feel like I’ve been teetering on the line of two worlds…with the question, “Which one am I going to choose?

The part of me that panics is not worried about the idea of cumming on command, but the experience was totally different than what I expected. It was so…automatic. My brain was thinking, “I’m not ready yet,” and my body said differently. In some ways, it felt like I wasn’t even there…but it was me…and it just ends up being so confusing.

It’s easy to get caught up in the romantic notions of surrendering…”my will is His will.” Even in the vanilla world, mushy notions of being one with your partner is the stuff of wedding vows and Hallmark cards. Yet now – having had a taste of truly surrendering my will – I shake my head a bit that people (including me) don’t seem to understand the depth of what they are asking for when they say that. Don’t get me wrong, the idea is no less beautiful or no less desired – it is just one thing to think you want to be One with someone and another to experience it.

On other slave blogs or posts to groups on FetLife there is talk about ideas like, “Am I really a slave?” These conversations often center around the fact that in our society, a person cannot be legally owned by another. So really, if a slave decided, “This is it. I don’t want to play anymore” there is nothing legally binding a person to stay. What strikes me about these conversations is that it seems wonderful to create a world where your will becomes another’s but really…isn’t this just a world we create that is separate from reality?

I’ve been happily going down this path toward slavery, and I do so badly want my will to be broken. Yet, I realize now that I always thought that my choice would still be involved. I thought that breaking my will would involve me somehow aligning my choices with yours but – that as much as we could fantasize about me being owned by You – that as a human in a free society my brain would still have to make the conscious choice to do as You say or be as You want me to be. You could command me to do certain things, but – in the end – I would still have to make the choice to follow.

So when my body obeyed and my mind seemed to be bypassed, I was stunned. And then when I masturbated and couldn’t cum or just had weak orgasms, I really panicked. My brain is thinking one thing, and my body is doing another. It’s scary…and it’s nothing like how I thought breaking my will would look like.

I laid my head on His chest with my arm draped across his waist. We finished the bits and pieces of our conversation, and then we fell silent. I noticed our breathing: His faster than mine. I allowed myself to let go…to just feel being with Him.

When I came out of the meditative state I was in, I noticed how our breathing was now in sync. Without conscious effort, we were breathing as if we were one.

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I like to take classes on spirituality. They can get quite surreal as we talk about the nature of God, the Universe and how we are individuals and part of Oneness.

In one of the classes I took last week, the teacher suggested that there is no God’s Will. You could have heard a pin drop in that room after he said that. Even for a group of people who like to question and understand for themselves rather than take the word of someone else, we were shocked.

“Thy Will Be Done.” It’s a mainstay of the Lord’s Prayer. But it’s not just Christianity; I can’t think of a major religion that doesn’t have the concept of God’s Will in some form or fashion.

I admit in my quest to be the best person I can be, I’ve often thought, “If I could just give way to God’s Will,” then I would be a better person. In other words, if I could just get out of the way, then God would shine through.

I realize my thinking has been the same with Master. If I could just get my willful self out of the way, then I could surrender to His will and all would be well. Of course, my own will does arise, and I struggle with idea of surrender.

I want to surrender right up to the point where I fear I may disappear. I then buck and wonder what I’m doing. I assert my will until my innate desire to be His draws me back in. The circle continues, and – while I do learn and grow – I have believed both my will and His will can’t exist at the same time. I get dizzy trying to decide which one to follow.

What if it wasn’t either/or…what if both are meant to exist…what if surrender wasn’t about giving something up…what if surrender was about harmonizing?

Like our breath syncing without effort while lying together, my will and His will can harmonize and act as One.

How do I spell relief? C-U-M

In the past 20 days, Master has let me cum twice (no masturbation or playing with my nipples). Actually, I could have cum a few more times last Monday when He let me play with my nipples only, but I was satisfied in that moment with one, big orgasm.

The level of sexual tension created by not touching myself at all is quite high. I’ve dealt with the restriction by bringing myself to the brink of orgasm several times without touching myself at all (just by viewing videos and reading stories that spark my imagination). It really does underscore the power of our minds in our sexual expression!

I also tried to get creative on ways to stimulate myself. At one point, I was craving feeling my nipples erect and tight. Since I couldn’t touch them, I threw my bed covers off of me and hoped that the chilly room would make them stand up. It didn’t work very well (maybe winter would be a better time to try this trick!), but never underestimate the ingenuity of a sub!

I probably made the tension worse by bringing myself to the brink of orgasm again and again. I didn’t think much, though, about how it might be contributing to stress I’m feeling in others areas of my life (work in particular).

When Master entered my apartment today and asked me how I was doing, the nicest way I could put it was that I was not in a good mood at all. When He asked if I would like to cum, I hugged Him and begged, “Yes, yes! Please make me cum!”

He let me have a treat today and suspended the requirement to ask permission to cum each time. He said I could cum as many times as I wanted when I wanted to. Oh, his cock felt so good inside me! …and his mouth on my nipples. Mmmmmm. My pussy is on fire just thinking about it again! I tried to keep count of my orgasms, but I lost track after five.

I came hardest when He was teasing and touching my nipples. At one point He just hovered over one nipple and let His breath tease it. I came very easily by just feeling his breath on my nip and his hard cock resting inside me!

He’s now said I can play with myself unrestricted this week. I’ve already cum twice since He left, and plan on a nice session tonight before bed.

Interestingly enough, the stress from work and my attitude about it has adjusted significantly this afternoon. Go figure!

Having the restrictions lifted this week will be nice, and I will enjoy it. I have been thinking, though, about my attitude toward restriction.

In my last post, I wondered how long my restriction would last. As I wrote that question, I felt a tinge inside me…like it wasn’t quite right. I also started thinking about Master telling me not to beg to cum last Monday, and I started to question my attitude toward this restriction.

I asked Master for clarification on begging. I asked if He was telling me not to beg in that moment or if He didn’t want me begging in general. He told me it was a command in the moment. Still, it made me think about my begging…

Begging can be very erotic. “Please Master, may i cum? Please may i?” can make the body-tingling tension build for both us. In those moments, I’m not asking for control.

When I wonder when my restriction will end, however,  I am – in essence – begging for the moment I can have control back.

So, one night last week as I was thinking about all of this, I asked myself, “What if every orgasm I have for the rest of my life was by Master’s choice?” I felt my whole being shift with that question. No longer did I worry if or when I would get control back. In fact, I realized that is exactly what I want and feeds my aspirations to be His slave. That night, I slept the deepest I have slept in a long time.

Even when He gives me permission to have as many orgasms as I want and to play with myself unrestricted, He is in control.

Relinquishing my desire for control in exchange for serving Him makes every orgasm sweeter and deeper. It is one more step to surrendering the keys to my soul.

Master shared with me a video a while ago from the kink.com site Public Disgrace. The hour long video showcases a woman being used by many men in a bar.

The first time I viewed this video, I just watched. I was aroused but did not touch myself at all. The video worked me up so much, I came twice without touching myself.

I’ve since viewed the video off and on at various times. Sometimes I pull it up as masturbation inspiration (using my vibrator).

I pulled it up again this past week. I flipped through the video (I’ve come to know exactly where my favorite parts are). After only a few minutes of watching it, I came again without touching myself.

I’m a little bit surprised at how drawn I am to this video. Master has shared other videos with me, but this is the one I view over and over again.

The first time I viewed it, Master asked me to outline what I liked and didn’t like. In general, I liked the gang-bang aspects of it, and I didn’t like the humiliation.

It’s still hard for me to see things like her head or throat being stepped on and other types of humiliation, but I also can’t deny how arousing this whole video is for me.

After Master and I slept together for the first time, he asked me what my limits were. I answered, “I don’t know.” He said, “That’s the best answer you could’ve given.”

When Master shows me videos like this, I’m honest about what I like and don’t like. I don’t see it as expressing my limits; I’m just giving my honest, off the top of my head reaction.

I know my fantasies and what turns me on, but Master’s punishment a couple of weeks ago and re-watching this video have made me think about the things I don’t know about myself yet…the things that arouse me in ways deeper than I knew possible.

My body seems to know more about this than my mind does, and I wonder with excitement what will happen if I listen and let it guide me.

I’ve always been curious about the term 24/7.

When I first discovered my submissiveness, it seemed like an extreme – a place I wasn’t sure I’d go. Clearly, I was turned on by dominance in the bedroom, but afterwards, wouldn’t things just go back to “normal?”

Later (I’m not quite sure when), it became a fantasy. As I’ve realized that my submission is not something I turn on or off, the idea of 24/7 is appealing. 24/7 started to mean a lot of things to me like living with Master and a sense of expressing my submissiveness more freely and regularly. The idea has been aspirational, which also implies a sort of gap (that something is missing in the moment).

Recently Master’s and my schedule have just been crazy between travel and work and other commitments have thwarted efforts and desires to see each other.

When I was talking to him yesterday and we were trying to figure out schedules, it looked like I might not see him for two more weeks. I cried out, “Nooooo…” when he suggested that was the reality. I knew we’re both busy and this is just the circumstances right now, but I found myself thinking about my fantasy of 24/7.

On profiles (like FetLife or alt.com), there is usually an option to say 24/7 or “practice the lifestyle when I can.” I chuckled to myself that this is one of those times when “practice when I can” seems to fit.

But then I wondered…is that really true? We may not play all the time (or as often as we’d wish). There is the fantasy of 24/7 and all I may think that implies, and there is also the reality: that I am His 24/7 no matter what the circumstances….when I’m working, when I’m traveling and other times when I’m seemingly on my own.

Instead of feeling like my fantasy bubble burst, I smiled and took great comfort.

I am His 24/7 no matter what.

I’m a big fan of LOST. One of the many, many things I enjoy about it is the theme of free will.

This final season has so many good episodes, but my favorite so far I’d have to say is “Ab Aeterno.” I’ve watched it several times already, and I always dwell on this scene.

Jacob: “When [the people I bring] get [to the island], their past doesn’t matter. … [They died here, and I didn't help them] because I wanted them to help themselves. To know the difference between right and wrong without me having to tell them. It’s all meaningless if I have to force them to do anything. Why should I have to step in?”

I read a few slave blogs. At first, I drank them up and saw them as kind of a manual for how slavery is. I read entries about Masters who overpower their slaves when they exert their will. I started wanting that. I thought maybe that was the key to pushing my will aside and becoming Master’s slave. The day before Master collared me, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world. I pleaded with him to break my will. I figured the only way I would give it up it is to have it taken from me.

He took my request to break my will seriously, but he won’t break it the way I think I want it broken.

From Day One, he has always told me I have a choice. There are times I’ve thought I understood this over the years, but I don’t always remember it. It’s a little too easy to think that just because he’s my Master that that single choice to submit to Him is the only choice I have to make.

As much as I value my submissiveness, I also value my independence. As I shared in this blog post, it’s what driven me to become a very successful businesswoman, to be a risk taker and to be persistent on this journey to discover and be who I am.

I wouldn’t thrive in a relationship where my will was taken by consensual force. It might look like I was submitting, but I’d really just be complying.

He could have been the one sitting on the beach speaking the words that Jacob spoke…and he’s expressed that to me in one way or the other over the years. I always think I get it, and I do understand it…but surrendering seems harder to do.

I feel like I’m on the verge of one of the most important choices of my life. At the very least, I’m at a huge fork in the road. The choice is very clear, and I know what I want. It’s not even a question of which choice I want to make. The final step is to make it. Yet, I hesitate and wish in all sorts of insidious ways that He’d make it for me.

In a recent post, I wrote how I’m still struggling to sort out my instinct to serve and submit from my habit to please at the expense of myself.

The word “compliance” popped into my head a few days after I wrote that post, and the light bulbs started to go on.

As a child, compliance could have been my middle name…at least that is how it looked on the outside. On the inside I was the rebellious child. I might look like I was conforming but really I was just trying to get whomever (usually parents) off my back. I didn’t really act out my rebellion in many overt ways, but I created a distance (and to some extent isolation) so that I felt the freedom I wanted to feel.

I got rewarded for my compliance, and I enjoyed the praise. I felt like I’d figured out the magic formula: I could comply and be the good girl and get their positive attention while not really giving in and doing my own thing, even if it was only in my mind.

There was a flaw in my magic formula, though. While I’d figured out how to please them and still not give in, I also felt invisible. I often felt like my parents didn’t get me or understood my point of view. Sometimes I’d get quite angry or sad and stew about how they didn’t understand me (which I’m sure you can only imagine how that was exacerbated by regular teenage angst as I grew). Instead of expressing myself, though, I kept quiet. I’d comply and retreat further in my world.

Without them knowing, I’d do my own thing. I figured what they didn’t know didn’t hurt them, and I could easily show compliance if I needed to. For many years, I thought I’d pulled the wool over their eyes. My mother has told me now as an adult that she knew I’d say one thing to her and do another. I was never really a bad kid, so for her it was a matter of picking her battles. Could she force me to do something if I was being so willful?

I felt such relief when Master first uttered the word submissive to me. For a woman who fights between wanting to be seen and feeling invisible, I felt both seen and heard in a way I’d never felt before. It’s been easy to associate all my past people-pleasing behavior to my submissiveness, but – for the first time – I’m starting to distinguish between how I comply vs. how I submit.

My mind has been going all sorts of places lately. I’ve been trying to concentrate on a work project that’s due, but it has been hard to keep focused. Besides wandering to regular life stuff, I find myself having flashes….sexual flashes if you will. I wouldn’t call them full blown fantasies. More like my mind trying to pull in a different direction…

I’ll be working on the couch when flashes enter my head of Master lifting my legs to fold me in half and fuck me. I don’t let my mind go there since I’m trying to concentrate on work, but then it will happen again…and again.

I have been horny the past few days but just masturbating isn’t satisfying. I find myself craving pain.

I wanted to masturbate with my dildo in my ass. Since I regularly do this, I don’t experience a lot of pain now but if it’s been a while, it can take a few, painful moments to relax. It has been a while, so I knew it would provide a few moments of luscious pain when I inserted the dildo. I imagined Master entering me with very little prep, gasping as he grabbed me hard and pulled me toward him.

With the dildo in my ass, I stuck my g-spot toy in my pussy and started playing with my nipples. Master is training me to come from nipple stimulation, and so it doesn’t take me long to cum once I start touching my nips. It felt good, but I wanted more pain.

I took out the clothespins. It seemed a little strange to put them on myself, so I hesitated…but not for long. When Master puts the clothespins on me, he does so rather quickly and the pain is very intense. I wasn’t sure I could do that to myself, so I eased into it a bit by not placing the clothespin directly on my nipple. That pain was not very intense. So, I took a deep breath and placed it on my nipple…and then placed a second one on the other nipple.

As happens with Master, the initial pain is intense! My breathing gets shallow and instincts kick in to take them off and stop the pain. When He’s in control, it’s a little easier to give into the pain, although I admit when it gets really intense I’m more hanging on until it ends than enjoying it.

I could have easily taken off the clothespins and stopped the pain on my terms, but I asked myself, “What if I gave into the pain? What if I surrendered to it rather than endured it?” I took a deep breath and let the sensations sink into my body.

I was pleasantly surprised how the sensations came in waves. After the initial intensity, I didn’t feel any pain as the endorphins started to kick in. Then I’d move a little bit and pain would shoot through my body. Even when I would lie still, though, the pain would subside and then rise again and then subside. The mix of pleasure and pain emerged in a new way. I felt myself going deeper and enjoying it more.

I played with the clothespins again today. I put them on and left them on for a little bit. I even flicked my nipples while they were on as I played with my pussy. When I removed the clothespins, an orgasm welled up from inside me and I squirted a lot! That felt sooo good, I did it again…and had yet another orgasm when removing the clothespin.

In some ways, it feels like I’ve been “battling” pain most of my life…how to avoid it, how to contain it when I feel it, how to soothe it, striving to figure out ways to make it stop. Different strategies work at different times, but I’m realizing that I’ve mostly learned to endure it. Enduring it is better than giving into it because my fear is that if I succumb, it will somehow destroy me.

What if I didn’t endure but surrendered? physically? emotionally? spiritually? What if I let the sensations and feelings sink in take their natural course rather than trying to control?