I’m having a change of heart.
I have long touted that I want my will broken, which has created more internal conflict for me than I care to admit.
I’ve been in a battle: His will vs. my will. I found it easy to express I wanted to follow His will until something inside me would rise up to assert my own.
I’d try to resolve this by figuring out ways to have my will be His will. I’m embarrassed to write that. It’s not what I would have consciously called what I was doing at the time, but – if I am honest with myself – that is the essence of what was happening.
When trying to find ways to bend His will didn’t work, I’d turn on myself. If only I were a better submissive, then I would submit to His will without equivocation. I questioned my ability to serve Him and absorbed all the conflict. If I take in all this pain, then wouldn’t that redeem me? Then would I not – once again – become a great submissive worthy of being His slave?
The thing I have failed to recognize in myself is that I don’t have to work at serving. It’s instinct. In fact, I would suggest I offer and provide my best service when I’m not thinking about how to do so.
When I recognize and honor my inherent ability to serve, then I ask myself, “What about my will?” More specifically, I ask, “What would I like?”
In recent personal reflection, I realize I have almost always couched what I would like in terms of others and how to fit into perceived limitations. For instance, I might think about what I want but then calculate whether the person could give it to me or participate in what I wanted with me. I’d then contort what I wanted into something that perhaps maybe they could or would be willing to provide. I’ve become an expert at watering down or hiding what I would like so that it didn’t offend or upset the status quo.
I don’t need to become better at serving; I need to become better at knowing what I would like and asking for it.
I feel freedom when I write that. It’s not the freedom in asking for what I want but the freedom in it being OK to ask for what I want.
I don’t expect to get everything I want. I don’t expect people to provide me everything I ask for. I do, however, increase the likelihood of being happy and fulfilled by being in touch with what I want and feeling free to express that.
My will has been contorted and distorted in ways I perceived kept me safe. I no longer will beat myself up about that. It made sense at the time, but that is now outdated.
I now feel the freedom to ask myself, “What would I like?” I want to explore that without a presupposition that my safety is at risk. If I have an inherent sense of safety (and trust that I will know when I am not), then what will I reach for?
Ironically, the idea of asserting my will seems to remove the conflict between His will and mine. I suspect I’ll find it easier to align with His will when I am clear on my own. My inherent ability to serve will only blossom as I express and offer the purity of my desires.