surrendering to who I am…

assert my will

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I’m having a change of heart.

I have long touted that I want my will broken, which has created more internal conflict for me than I care to admit.

I’ve been in a battle: His will vs. my will. I found it easy to express I wanted to follow His will until something inside me would rise up┬áto assert my own.

I’d try to resolve this by figuring out ways to have my will be His will. I’m embarrassed to write that. It’s not what I would have consciously called what I was doing at the time, but – if I am honest with myself – that is the essence of what was happening.

When trying to find ways to bend His will didn’t work, I’d turn on myself. If only I were a better submissive, then I would submit to His will without equivocation. I questioned my ability to serve Him and absorbed all the conflict. If I take in all this pain, then wouldn’t that redeem me? Then would I not – once again – become a great submissive worthy of being His slave?

The thing I have failed to recognize in myself is that I don’t have to work at serving. It’s instinct. In fact, I would suggest I offer and provide my best service when I’m not thinking about how to do so.

When I recognize and honor my inherent ability to serve, then I ask myself, “What about my will?” More specifically, I ask, “What would I like?”

In recent personal reflection, I realize I have almost always couched what I would like in terms of others and how to fit into perceived limitations. For instance, I might think about what I want but then calculate whether the person could give it to me or participate in what I wanted with me. I’d then contort what I wanted into something that perhaps maybe they could or would be willing to provide. I’ve become an expert at watering down or hiding what I would like so that it didn’t offend or upset the status quo.

I don’t need to become better at serving; I need to become better at knowing what I would like and asking for it.

I feel freedom when I write that. It’s not the freedom in asking for what I want but the freedom in it being OK to ask for what I want.

I don’t expect to get everything I want. I don’t expect people to provide me everything I ask for. I do, however, increase the likelihood of being happy and fulfilled by being in touch with what I want and feeling free to express that.

My will has been contorted and distorted in ways I perceived kept me safe. I no longer will beat myself up about that. It made sense at the time, but that is now outdated.

I now feel the freedom to ask myself, “What would I like?” I want to explore that without a presupposition that my safety is at risk. If I have an inherent sense of safety (and trust that I will know when I am not), then what will I reach for?

Ironically, the idea of asserting my will seems to remove the conflict between His will and mine. I suspect I’ll find it easier to align with His will when I am clear on my own. My inherent ability to serve will only blossom as I express and offer the purity of my desires.

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surrendering to who I am…

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