surrendering to who I am…



I am no longer afraid of being abandoned by Master. I’ve known him going on 20 years now. Our relationship started about 18 years ago, and – a majority of this time – I’ve been afraid that one day He will abandon me.

Now, 18 years is a long time to think that I’ll one day be abandoned. It sounds pretty silly on the surface. But in regards to relationships, I’ve had a “never convinced” program running. One day, Master can do everything to reassure me that I won’t be abandoned, and I’ll feel great. The next day it’s like starting at square one again, and putting Him to the test so He can prove all over again that He won’t abandon me.

The thing is He never does. There are times over the years where I’ve let that sink in…just a little, but I get scared again – for whatever reason – and we start all over again.

My decision that He won’t abandon me came when I was learning about patterns of dysfunctional behavior. In the worst family dynamics, abandonment (the fear of or threatening to) is a manipulation, however unconscious. When engaged in this dynamic, the feelings are so raw and so real, that the people involved don’t always realize it is a manipulation. All they know is that when the intimacy gets too close, it’s time to push the person away. Once they are away, it’s time to reel them back in with, “Please don’t abandon me!”

When I realized that this a “game” that can never be won, I stopped cold in my tracks. As it was explained to me, humans engage in this dynamic because we feel abandoned by our original Source (God, the Divine, or however you view that which gives Life). That made a lot of sense to me, and it also changed my direction in how I pursue filling this seeming gap in my life.

So, now when Master says, “I will always be here for you,” I can truly let it sink in. It’s quite different to hear that already possessing the feeling that you can’t be abandoned vs. wishing and hoping it will someday be true.

Would I have gotten to this place without Master assuring me all these years that He is here for me? I can imagine two scenarios:

  1. I lead a life where I get His reassurance until the end and never really feel it completely, or
  2. I lead a life from this turning point knowing I cannot be abandoned by anyone and feeling how nourishing it is to let it in. I now allow His words to water the seeds that have me grow into who I am.

I think Master staying by my side and supporting me has fueled my persistence, to keep reaching for what I want and what I know to be true. I still had to do the work to let it in, though, and change my beliefs and attitudes rather than always making Him responsible for saying something to make this feeling go away.

I’m grateful for both His steadfastness and my persistence.

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surrendering to who I am…




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