separation
When Master recently announced plans that He would be away for a week – to a place where regular communication would be difficult – I panicked. Many emotions went through me. Some were particular to this trip but one – anxiety about being separated – is the emotion that seems to grow rather than diminish as I move closer to slavery.
On the surface, it might seem very odd (especially to vanilla folks). I am a grown woman running her own business perfectly capable of taking care of myself. In fact, dependence of any sort has been something I’ve mostly avoided. I grew up with the message that dependence is bad and will only lead to hurt. So, starting to feel dependent on Master sparks anxiety and fear.
The thing I’m most tangibly dependent on from Master at this time is permission to masturbate; however, there could be many solutions to that for a week including asking permission before He leaves or simply knowing I can’t ask for a week (I’ve gone a week before, it’s not that long!). So, when the panic rose and I cited asking permission to masturbate as an example of my need to be connected, I knew that even as I uttered those words it was about something more.
This post from Sir J’s A Dominant Character blog helped me tremendously. Even though he was talking to dominants, I appreciated it purely from the submissive’s point of view.
Sir J talked about how “any separation from her owner will be painful.” I guess I think of separation anxiety in vanilla terms and beat myself up for having it. Knowing it is normal for a sub/slave was comforting.
Sir J also said, “You have your work, your entertainment and your friends; her world is you.” I heaved a huge sigh of relief upon reading this. I often feel a small part of His world (which I’m realizing I probably distort to be much smaller than it is). He does feel like my world, and sometimes the disparity jolts me. Again, though, that is looking at the D/s and M/s world through the lens of the vanilla world. When I shift my point of view back to our world, I appreciate my place in His world rather than wishing I was His entire world.
I’m not sure what I’ve been thinking as I move toward slavery, but I didn’t anticipate the feeling of dependence. It seems silly to write that out because wouldn’t that be core to the definition of slavery? My dependence on Him is highlighted in times of separation like this. I know where I’ll end up is an interesting mix of independence within dependence, but I realize I’m still struggling with them as being competing states rather than synergistic ones.
