Destiny/sublimed

I haven’t written a blog post in about a month. I ended up doing some private journaling to Master during this time. I wound up down a rabbit hole, and now I’m trying to orient myself and figure out where I am.

I feel lost….and I feel lost in several ways. Lots of things occupy my thoughts these days, and I’m frustrated by several situations in my life; however, I can’t say that any one of these situations is the problem. I just feel a deeper sadness.

My private journaling the past month has been focused on releasing some of the past…although that sounds trite. It was more like realizing that the way I remembered the past was from everyone else’s point of view, and I’d lost touch with how I felt and what I was thinking at the time. When I reconnected with how I felt and why I made decisions I made, I felt such a release and a new sense of freedom.

After that initial exhilaration, though, I felt a deep sense of loss…mourning over lost time, over fighting with myself for so many years, over harboring anger and resentments.

Now, I’m not sure where I’m at. Lots of things in my life seem like they’re false or illusions. I wonder how I really feel (or am scared of how I really feel). The pressure of the inside and the outside is colliding.