“You’re off restriction for the time being.” My stomach sank as if I had just dropped several feet in a free form fall.
I thanked Him because it seemed like I should be grateful for this window of freedom. I wasn’t sure why I thanked Him instead of sharing my true feeling in the moment.
Shortly after we hung up, I sent Him a text asking, “What if I don’t want to be off restriction?”
I figured He’d want an explanation as to why I wanted to stay on restriction, and I wasn’t sure I could articulate why. In that moment, I just wanted to get rid of that free form, lost sort of feeling.
I experienced this free form, lost feeling right before He put me on restriction three weeks ago. We had both been very busy, and we were each preparing for separate, week-long trips. We didn’t have a chance to connect before we left, and I not only missed Him but also started to feel lost.
He remedied this shortly after He left when in a short e-mail exchange He told me, “No orgasms until I see you next. Play as much as you like (or not)…just don’t cum.” I felt instant calm and relief from my lost feelings. I was surprised at the effect this had on me, but I really enjoyed it.
When we saw each other upon our return, He fucked me silly. I came and came and came. I came when I didn’t think I had anything more in me. I was so cum drunk, I had trouble functioning until I’d recovered the next day.
I wrote to Master privately the next day: “When I woke up this morning, I was trying to figure out how to describe how I felt. My brain seemed to be in a different place. The best word I can think of is receptive. I laid in bed wondering, ‘What do You want me to do next?’ It wasn’t an anxious, sub-frenzy ‘what’s next’ but just being patient, docile and receptive to however You direct me next.”
That same weekend, He gave me an assignment to play with myself at least every two hours for at least 10 minutes (cumming was not required; playing and arousing myself was). I was away at a weekend retreat with girlfriends, so it was a challenging assignment. I had a lot of fun fulfilling the assignment (and a few, good orgasms!). In fact when it ended and I was back on restriction, I noticed that my pussy started pulsing and tingling on the two-hour schedule. My body had learned quickly!
After a pause for a couple of days, Master told me to resume the every two hour schedule in the middle of last week. He came to my apartment during that day and watched me masturbate at one of the two hour marks and then fucked me at the next two hour mark.
As He fucked me, I asked permission as usual. He kept me focused by granting permission, not granting permission and allowing me a window where I didn’t have to ask permission. I did get mixed-up at one point where I thought I was still within the window of not having to ask permission and almost came when He reminded me, “Don’t cum.”
Then, at one point, He just said, “Cum.” I heard the command and my thought was, “I’m not there yet.” He was inside me, but I wasn’t on the edge. I didn’t think it was going to happen when my pussy erupted and squirted. I felt it come up from deep inside me, and I was stunned.
I just looked at Him and said, “Is it happening…is my body really becoming Yours?” He commanded me a second time, and I came again.
I know it happened; we both felt it, but there is a part of me that is still incredulous.
After He left, I had a couple of more two hour sessions ahead of me. At the end of the day, I was back on restriction…that was until He called last Saturday.
One might think in my state of incredulity that I’d welcome being off restriction and to feel control of my body again. Instead, I didn’t want control back. I wanted to stay on restriction. I am feeling very vulnerable, which was underscored by the sinking feeling in my stomach. On restriction, I felt safe in this vulnerable state; even the thought of being off restriction brought panic.
Master responded to my text message saying, “You’re off restriction. If you choose not to take advantage of it, that’s your decision.” The only thing I could think of is that self-restriction is like trying to spank myself with a hairbrush – it doesn’t satisfy the need. I shared this with Him and asked to be put back on restriction.
He replied with what I thought was an out-of-proportion and punitive response, which is that I’m not allowed to play at all…and no stimulation (physical, mental or visual). He said He might take me off total restriction sometime before Christmas.
Now my will has kicked in. I am complying, but I don’t want to give Him the satisfaction that this total restriction is affecting me. He saw me today and asked me how I was doing. I responded with a smug, “I’m doing fine.” He was going to fuck me, but since I was “doing fine” He didn’t. Now I regretted my flippant answer. As I write this I both regret my answer and still feel willful.
I think any Master or slave can predict how this one is going to turn out… 
