keys
For Christmas, one of the presents I gave Master was a set of keys to my apartment.
When the idea first came to me, I was thinking more about the convenience of him getting into my building without having to call. It’s a tedious but inevitable part of apartment life. It’s not that big of a deal I guess, but it did start to feel odd to have him call to be let in. In fact, the idea seemed a bit overdue the more I thought about it.
As the idea percolated, the symbolic started to seem more important than the practical. For as much as I’ve revealed of myself to Master, there are still ways I hide. It’s easy enough to retreat when one lives alone. He knows the ways I can hide, so it’s not a very good secret. Yet, I started to think about how I would be if I knew he could drop in whenever he wanted.
For as much as I want to be His slave, I’ve struggled with surrender. It’s easier for me to submit to him sexually – restraining me, whipping me and all the other ways he controls my pleasure. It’s much harder to let down and let go of the emotional walls and just be me in any given moment. Not that I’m not me with him…but there are still so many ways I try to control my emotional response. As ineffective as I know those ways are, I cling to the control.
Master said he’d come by today. I wanted to shower before he came but didn’t rush to do so. Just as I thought I should get into the shower, I heard the keys in my front door. I was naked, but I usually am when Master comes to visit. I’ve been sick, and I have a lingering cough. I’d rubbed Vicks VapoRub on my feet and chest to help alleviate it, and I was wearing socks because of the ointment. So here I am in nothing but socks, smelling of Vicks and needing a shower. It was a more “relaxed me” than I usually let him see…and I just chuckled. Master seeing me the way he did today wasn’t a hard, emotional wall to break down but it was a layer of vulnerability I’d normally guard.
I like that I didn’t know when he was coming. I like that he can now drop in on me anytime he wants. I like that my opportunity to withdraw and hide is diminished.
Ultimately, it is up to me to unlock the doors Master encounters. Giving Master the keys to my apartment is not a magical answer but it is one step toward surrendering the keys that protect my soul.
June 21, 2010 at 10:48 pm
[...] control in exchange for serving Him makes every orgasm sweeter and deeper. It is one more step to surrendering the keys to my [...]