Trust is often touted as the cornerstone to D/s…and it is. But sometimes it seems like we talk about trust as a one time act or decision.

We meet a dreamy Dom. He sees and acknowledges a part of ourselves we’ve learned to hide to accommodate the society and culture we live in. We let ourselves submit to Him and feel a sense of freedom at finally being able to be who we are. We dream how life could be if every fantasy was fulfilled just by the command of His voice. We go along happily thinking trust is now a given. Then some everyday piece of reality hits us (it could be big or it could be small). We don’t feel safe and our guard goes up. It might be bad enough that we cry to ourselves, “I thought I could trust him.” We seem to view trust as binary – either it is there or it is not.

What we don’t seem to realize when we decide to go down the rabbit hole is that trust is not something handed to you by another person. Trust is an exchange that chips away at the walls we build around our hearts. Those walls have been built by past mistrust; and a single declaration of trust cannot bring the walls down in one stroke.

Trust is an everyday act.

I can easily say I trust my Master and mean it. We do have a foundation of trust that is strong. Yet even though I say I trust him, there are still ways I hide and protect myself. If I want him to mold and shape my essence into the form that pleases and serves Him then I must let him have the clay – my fears, my dreams, my feelings, my thoughts. He never demands these of me. In fact, one of the sweetest things he ever said to me was when I was having trouble talking and he said, “Would you like me to go outside and call you?” He knew that saying it over the phone might be easier than saying it face-to-face.

I’m noticing how my everyday actions either reflect or don’t reflect my trust in Him. It’s difficult to admit when I don’t because I’ve bought into a myth that trust is either there or it is not. So, I tell myself I trust Him, yet continue to guard some of my most vulnerable feelings. As I progress toward slavery, I realize saying the words, “I trust you, Master” is not enough. I don’t have to strip my soul bare in one, fell swoop, but I can deepen the trust through my daily actions…one step at a time.

For Christmas, one of the presents I gave Master was a set of keys to my apartment.

When the idea first came to me, I was thinking more about the convenience of him getting into my building without having to call. It’s a tedious but inevitable part of apartment life. It’s not that big of a deal I guess, but it did start to feel odd to have him call to be let in. In fact, the idea seemed a bit overdue the more I thought about it.

As the idea percolated, the symbolic started to seem more important than the practical. For as much as I’ve revealed of myself to Master, there are still ways I hide. It’s easy enough to retreat when one lives alone. He knows the ways I can hide, so it’s not a very good secret. Yet, I started to think about how I would be if I knew he could drop in whenever he wanted.

For as much as I want to be His slave, I’ve struggled with surrender. It’s easier for me to submit to him sexually – restraining me, whipping me and all the other ways he controls my pleasure. It’s much harder to let down and let go of the emotional walls and just be me in any given moment. Not that I’m not me with him…but there are still so many ways I try to control my emotional response. As ineffective as I know those ways are, I cling to the control.

Master said he’d come by today. I wanted to shower before he came but didn’t rush to do so. Just as I thought I should get into the shower, I heard the keys in my front door. I was naked, but I usually am when Master comes to visit. I’ve been sick, and I have a lingering cough. I’d rubbed Vicks VapoRub on my feet and chest to help alleviate it, and I was wearing socks because of the ointment. So here I am in nothing but socks, smelling of Vicks and needing a shower. It was a more “relaxed me” than I usually let him see…and I just chuckled. Master seeing me the way he did today wasn’t a hard, emotional wall to break down but it was a layer of vulnerability I’d normally guard.

I like that I didn’t know when he was coming. I like that he can now drop in on me anytime he wants. I like that my opportunity to withdraw and hide is diminished.

Ultimately, it is up to me to unlock the doors Master encounters. Giving Master the keys to my apartment is not a magical answer but it is one step toward surrendering the keys that protect my soul.